“You’ve never heard of
the Anaheim Mighty Ducks?” asks Charlie, the team’s top player. “They named a
pro team after us!” Ebert said, “He uses this as a pick-up line with a cute
brunet. Maybe it would have worked even better if he'd added, “And the same
company that owns the team produced all three Mighty Duck movies, in a
transparent exercise of cross-promotion!” As the movie opens, the state
champion Ducks have all been given scholarships to snobby Eden Hall, a private
academy with a hockey program so good that they have more flags hanging from
the ceiling of their arena than a used-car lot on Washington's Birthday.” Not
everyone is happy about the new students, who bring blacks, Asians, Jews, obese
kids and even a girl into the famous hockey program, which looks if not like
they mostly consist of rich white jerks.
Leading the hypocrites
is the negative labeler Dean Buckley, played by David Selby, who tries
everything he can think of to rid the scholarships. Then there’s the varsity
coach, played by Jack White, who really lays it into his team by saying: “They
don’t belong in our school. Now show them why!” The Ducks are sad as the movie
starts to find out that beloved Coach Bombay won’t be coaching them anymore.
Bombay, the great lawyer who began them because of court-ordered community
service, has moved on to the Junior Goodwill Games. Their new coach is a former
professional player named Coach Orion, played by Jeffrey Nordling, who lectures
on defense.
“I’m a scorer,” says
star player, Charlie, played by Joshua Jackson. Ebert said, “We've seen more
than one movie, and can guess where *that* kind of talk will lead, although we
are not prepared for the way the script delivers with a bludgeon rather than a
scalpel: The Ducks go out to a 9-0 lead, but don't play defense, and so their
opponents then score 9 straight goals to tie the match.”
Ebert continued, “The
movie's desperation can be seen in several totally contrived scenes, of which
the most obvious shows the fat kid losing control while on in-line skates,
rolling away while Charlie speeds to rescue him. The kid, screaming piteously
for help, rolls down a flight of stairs, into city traffic, past snarling dogs,
etc., while sometimes skating on one leg, knocking over garbage cans, etc., and
finally flying through the air and somehow landing just as Charlie is able to
save him.” The problem here is that only one of the best skaters ever could
really perform well enough to do every one of those stunts. We think who the
movie is trying to fool.
Ebert said, “Most of
the dramatic scenes involve a feud between the freshman Ducks and the snob
varsity, who stick them with the bill at an expensive private club, leading to
the first movie scene since the 1930s in which we are asked to believe that the
penniless diners could work off their bill by washing dishes.” Other added
parts include a scenic trip to the Mall of America, and a curious side story
with old Hans, played by Joss Ackland, who has been with the team since the
beginning, always believed in them and listen to their games on the radio while
shaking his head sadly at their insanities.
Hans is a familiar type
of movie piece: a character who we can predict is going to die before the end
of the film. Ebert noted, “I've gotten to where I can spot them in their first
shots, and I whisper “He's gonna die!” to my wife, who tells me to be quiet and
watch the movie.”
Ebert continued, “At
the end of the film, there is skullduggery involving the Ducks' free
scholarships, which of course can be settled if they win a big match and if
Coach Bombay comes back to practice his formidable legal skills. Everyone in
the movie seems to agree that athletic skill is the only criterion for
scholarships at Eden Hall, a school where I cannot remember anyone ever taking
any classes, although my attention may have wandered.”
As you can predict, this
is the worst of the trilogy. Sure, I understand that kids don’t adapt to change
for some time, but not this long. Are
you saying that all kids don’t like change and want things to stay the same?
These are some of the stupidest kids I have ever seen on a Disney movie. Just
do yourself a favor and never see this movie. You will regret ever seeing it
and I don’t see how anyone can like this garbage.
Now that we have “thankfully”
ended off this terrible sports trilogy, stay tuned later tonight for when I
review the other movie that was released yesterday.
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