Tomb Raider

For the finale of “Video Game Adaptations Month,” I thought that I would review the three “Tomb Raider” movies. I’ve never played any of the games because I knew nothing about them when the movie was released. I just looked at them like decent action flicks that were really enjoyable to watch with Angelina Jolie in the starring role. I guess they casted her because she was the hottest thing at the time, and who can blame them? Let’s get it started with “Lara Croft: Tomb Raider,” released in 2001.

The movie raises silliness to an art form. Here is a movie so massively silly, yet so great to look at, that only a nitpicker could find mistakes.

Roger Ebert said in his review, “And please don't tell me it makes no sense. The last thing I want to see is a sensible movie about how the Illuminati will reunite the halves of the severed triangle in order to control time in the ruins of the ancient city that once rose in the meteor crater--if, and it's a big "if," the clue of the All-Seeing Eye inside the hidden clock can be used at the moment of planetary alignment that comes every 5,000 years, and if the Tomb Raiders are not destroyed by the many-armed Vishnu figure and the stone monkeys. The logic is exhausting enough even when it doesn't make sense.”

Ebert continued, “This is, at last, a real popcorn movie. I have been hearing for weeks from fans of "The Mummy Returns" and "Pearl Harbor," offended that I did not like those movies--no, not even as "popcorn movies." I responded that "The Mummy" was a good popcorn movie but "The Mummy Returns" was a bad popcorn movie. It is my job to know these things. That "Pearl Harbor" is even discussed in those terms is depressing.”

The story of “Lara Croft: Tomb Raider” is here as a support system for four special effects scenes. From the start you can see that the movie is completely advanced. “The Mummy Returns” had no story, and one special effects scene, which was 121 minutes long.

The film starts with Lara Croft doing serious fighting with a deadly robot, which looks like it is paying tribute to the beginning of the Pink Panther movies where Clouseau took on Kato. When everything is done, we find out that she is Lady Lara Croft (Angelina Jolie), daughter of the tomb raider Sir Richard Croft (Jon Voight), whose memorial stone sadly tells everyone, “Lost in the Field, 1985.” Lara Croft lives in a giant country estate with a faithful butler (Chris Barrie) and a private hacker and weapons system designer (Noah Taylor). Detailed research-and-development and manufacturing buildings must be hiding somewhere, but we don’t see them.

Lara Croft is a hot girl with a great set of ears. Ebert said, “She hears a faint ticking under the stairs, demolishes the ancient paneling (with her bare hands, as I recall) and finds an old clock which conceals the All-Seeing Eye.” This is the Key to whatever it is the Illuminati plan to do with the lost city, etc., in their plan to control time, etc. Why they want to do this is never told. A letter from her father is found stuck in the binding of an old edition of William Blake. “I knew you would figure out my clues,” it says. This works out as well, since fate hangs in the balance while she plays his parlor games.

Ebert said, “We now visit "Venice, Italy," where the Illuminati gather, and then there is an expedition to the frozen northern land where the ancient city awaits in a Dead Zone inside the crater created by the meteor that brought the Key to Time here to Earth--I think.” Machines do not work in the Dead Zone, so Lara and the others have to use dogsleds. It is cold on the tundra, and everyone ears fur-lined parkas. Everyone but Lara, whose light gray designer cape flies behind her so that we can like the tight matching sweater she is wearing, which sticks tightly to areas on her body that can be found a foot below and a little to the front of her great ears.

The inside of the city is a massive feat in art direction, set design and special effects. Ebert said, “A giant clockwork model of the universe revolves slowly above a pool of water, and is protected by great stone figures that no doubt have official names, although I think of them as the Crumbly Creatures, because whenever you hit them with anything, they crumble. They're like the desert army in "The Mummy Returns" and the insect alien soldiers in "Starship Troopers"--they look fearsome, but they explode on contact, just like (come to think of it) targets in a video game.”

Angelina Jolie plays a great Lara Croft, however to say she does a good job playing the protagonist of a video game is perhaps not the highest compliment. She looks great, is flexible and athletic, doesn’t overplay, and takes with great seriousness a plot that would have lessened to a weaker woman to laughing. In real life she is a good actress. Lara Croft does not appear as a person with a personality, and the other actors are also nobodies, but the movie smartly confuses us with a plot so thick that we never think about their personalities at all.

Ebert admitted, “Did I enjoy the movie? Yes. Is it up there with the Indiana Jones pictures? No, although its art direction and set design are (especially in the tomb with all the dead roots hanging down like tendrils). Was I filled with suspense? No. Since I had no idea what was going to happen, should happen, shouldn't happen or what it meant if it did happen, I could hardly be expected to care. But did I grin with delight at the absurdity it all? You betcha.”

Not everybody could play Lara Croft. Not everybody would want to, but that’s another issue. Rich, humorless, awesomely capable, uncertain about romance, stacked, she appears in “Lara Croft Tomb Raider: The Cradle of Life,” released in 2003, as once again a heroine too busy saving the world to stress herself with tomb raiding. Actually, she isn’t really a raider here. The word suggests criminal activities, when maybe it is only meant to remind us of raiders of lost arks and those things.

In the first movie, you will remember, she fought the Illuminati in her journey to reunite the halves of a damaged triangle in order to control time. In the sequel, which with becoming humility is 10 letters shorter than “Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl,” she goes up against a deadly race for control of Pandora’s Box, which brought life to earth but was closed before it could also release a plague that would kill us all. Ebert said, “Devout Darwinians will note that if the box was opened to admit life and then immediately closed on death, whoever or whatever came out of it must have evolved with startling speed into a box-closing organism.”

Lara Croft, the daughter of the archeologist Sir Richard Croft (“Lost in the Field, 1985”). Actually, since the title insists it has no comma, if grammar means anything she is Lady Lara Croft Tomb Raider. In the somewhat foggy chronology she describes early in the film, the original box arrived from space and was found by an Egyptian pharaoh in 2300 B.C. “in a place he called the Cradle of Life,” she explains to her colleagues, mentioning Pandora’s Box. “You mean the Greek myth?” she is asked. “That’s the Sunday school version,” she says. Only Lara Croft would go to a Sunday school that teaches Greek myth.

Some two centuries later, the box was found by Alexander the Great, who hid it in a temple, which was buried beneath the sea by an earthquake, its location revealed as the film starts by another earthquake. Lara is involved in a deadly race against Dr. Jonathan Reiss, played by Ciaran Hinds, for obtaining the box. Ebert said, “He wants it in order to wipe out humanity, except for the best and the brightest, of course, after which he will rule, I guess.” Lara chooses as her only friend Terry Sheridan, played by Gerard Butler, and they go on an adventure that will have them dead-sea diving, jumping from the tops of Shanghai skyscrapers, and fighting in Africa.

Ebert said, “I describe these details only because this kind of story amuses me, and always has, ever since those long-ago days when I curled up on the sofa with H. Rider Haggard's She .” Adventures involving the ancient, the occult and the exotic are really superior to those with modern cars and guns and cops. A perfect adventure should have at least one great private library somewhere in it and a butler, also ancient falling temples, things that shine real bright and cool costumes.

As we see, the location of the Cradle of Life is encoded on the outer surfaces of a shining sphere that Lara and Terry find in Alexander’s undersea temple, which mysteriously remains watertight until halfway through their visit, after which it leaks and ruins excellently. To escape back to land, Lara cuts her wrist so the blood will be smelled a shark, hits the shark in the nose to confuse it, and holds onto its fin as it swims for the surface. Now that’s a tomb raider.

In a summer where the special effects in movies have grown gradually more tedious and boring, “Lara Croft Tomb Raider: The Cradle of Life” uses imagination and exciting locations to give the movie the same kind of nice adventure feeling we get from the Indiana Jones movies. There’s a great use of giant neon signs in Shanghai, an escape by parasails, a secret lab hidden in a retail mall, a pole-vault to a helicopter, and a perfect scene where the villain, chasing of Lara, gets into an elevator and then a little brat gets on and pushes all of the buttons. Ebert admitted, “I've been waiting for years for that to happen.”

Ebert said, “Not everybody, I observed, could play Lara Croft.” Angelina Jolie can, with a straight face, a dry humor, a serious tenacity and a British accent, which adds a type of style to the activity. She’s all class, which is why she has friends everywhere, ready to fly parasails on top of skyscrapers, or allow her to parachute into the Land Rovers as they race across the African savanna. Kosa, played by Djimon Hounsou, is the Masai warrior who’s her sidekick in the African part. Also, Sheridan delivers one of the more sincere romantic lines in recent movies: “You can break my wrist – but I’m still gonna kiss you.” She is not, he will find out, very sentimental.

This is a better movie than the first one, more guaranteed, more entertaining. The director is Jan de Bont, who demands a type of logic from his screenwriters, so that despite the story is completely ridiculous; obviously, it is consistent within its own ways. Ebert said, “I was relieved to discover I am not tired of movies like this after all.” They have to be good, is the fact.

Now the 2018 “Tomb Raider” movie is based on the 2013 video game, with Alicia Vikander as the latest embodiment of a character who’s been around for 22 years, and surprisingly plays like a throwback to the classic late-80s/early 90s era of action filmmaking, represented by films like “Cliffhanger,” “The Last of the Mohicans,” the first couple of Indiana Jones films, and Jackie Chan’s “Armour of God” series. From the animated beginning, where the title character’s archeologist father, Lord Richard Croft, played by Dominic West, tells of an ancient, cursed tomb supposedly having the all-powerful, weaponizable remains of the Japanese shaman queen Himiko, through its nicely shot chases and emotional moments, to its finale scene on an island filled with booby-trapped ruins, “Tomb Raider” is better and more original than anyone could have expected.

Although it borrows from the game (and a little bit, its sequel) for structure and most of its main action scenes, the movie never feels like a pointless companion piece to a work that was created for a different style. Matt Zoller Seitz said in his review, “I've never played the game, but I had a great time watching the movie it inspired, thanks ]to the direction; the stunt choreography, which leans on real performers and props whenever it makes sense to; the emphasis on problem-solving one's way out of tight spots; and most of all, the actors, who flesh out archetypal characters who might have seemed cliched or merely flat on the page, and make them as real as they can, considering what sort of movie they're in.”

First among equals is Alicia Vikander. With her weakly royal behavior, she’s correctly cast as a woman, who’s literally to-the-manor-born, but the humility and sense of fair play she displays makes you like rather than resent that character. More importantly, she’s an action hero par excellence. Apparently bereft of body fat, Vikander throws herself into action. Seitz said, “She makes you feel the physicality of this intensely visceral performance, letting out a high-pitched grunt of rage or pain when Lara crashes into a wall or gets slammed on the ground by a brawny foe, and letting sparks of fury flash in her eyes as Lara delivers a coup-de-grace.”

The movie has given a lot of thought to the question of how a small woman could successfully fight enemies who are a lot bigger and stronger. The answers are persistent speed, the strategic use of full body weight, and dirty fighting. This is not to say that “Tomb Raider” is “realistic” in any sense, because no video game movie is – at one point, Lara pulls through after a pierce injury that would put a 250-pount Green Beret into a coma – but that the filmmakers and Vikander are doing everything they can to sell the physical and emotional reality of a moment.

As written by Geneva Robertson-Dworet and Alastair Siddons, there’s a strong element of domestic melodrama at the heart of the story: Lara’s father went missing and is said to be dead. The movie gradually tells the details of their relationship, balancing Lara’s admiration, even worship, of her father against the pain made by his frequent absences and final disappearance. This is the story of a daughter learning from, exceeding, and ending up forgiving her dad – an adventure that hits higher beats than you see in genre films starring male heroes whose fathers died, disappeared, or disappointed them (although the third Indiana Jones movie deals in these themes, as well).

Abandonment by the father and its aftermath are at the heart of every character’s story here. Lu Ren, played by Daniel Wu, the alcoholic sea captain who sails Lara to the island that contains Himiko’s tomb, is dealing with his own father problems: his same-named father once ran the boat, and ended up disappearing, too, which might explain why their relationship feels more sibling than romantic (they obviously respect each other, but there’s no love chemistry because the movie isn’t interested in finding any). The bad guy, archaeologist turned corporate mercenary Mathias Vogel, played by Walton Goggins, is himself an absentee husband and father. He’s spent seven years trying to locate Himiko’s tomb at the request of the mysterious Trinity organization, and resents the unseen master who’s keeping him on the island until he finishes the job.

Lara has empathy for others, and feels things deeply. Seitz said, “I liked how you could hear the catch in her voice or see tears almost well up in her eyes as she deals with moments that cause her distress.” These details confirm that “Tomb Raider” isn’t going to attach standard-issue, strong-silent tough guy clichés on a female lead and that will be the end. Seitz said, “There's more sensitivity and intelligence on display here than there needed to be, and while "Tomb Raider" doesn't go as far in this direction as I would've liked, the unmistakable effort means a lot.” Mainly hitting is the moment after Lara kills someone for the first time: she sits next to the corpse, looking psychically disturbed along with physically exhausted. The act of killing is shown in such a casual manner in so many action and adventure films that it’s shocking to see it treated as if it means something.

However, in the end, this is a movie about a woman running, running, running, running, then pausing just long enough to kill a man with a bow and arrow, defeat him in hand-to-hand combat, or solve a tumbler-styled puzzle that will open the stone door of a temple containing ancient treasures. “Tomb Raider” treats Vikander as a movie piece of sculpture, admiring her not in an objectifying way women have been treated, but as you might an athlete. Director Roar Uthaug often adopts the perspective of an especially kinetic videogame, filming Vikander from a low angle as she races toward the camera or from a high perspective looking at the back of her head and her shoulders, the better to appreciate Lara as she cuts a path through her world.

Seitz admitted, “There are at least five action sequences in this movie that rank with the best I've seen recently.” The first is a “fox hunt” on bicycles through the streets of London where Lara, who works as a messenger before accepting her destiny, leading a gang of her colleagues on a chase through winding streets filled with cars and trucks. Another is where Lara dives off a cliff into a raging river. She catches herself before going over a waterfall by hanging to a rusted-out, World War II-era bomber that’s shaking on its edge, and then slowly moves over and through the husk of the plane, trying to get to the riverbank before the whole thing crumbles. (A great Indiana Jones-style moment: as she hears the clasping groan and sees the plane falling to pieces, she mutters, “Really?”)

There are frustrations here and there, mainly having to do with the planning and some of the supporting characters, who are lively and memorable but often lack one or two scenes that would’ve made them seem as mythically bright as the material demands. (Seitz said, “Vogel's misery is fascinating at first, but ultimately becomes tedious, and I didn't like the way the film sidelined Ren during the final act.”) Still, this is a beautifully made and modest piece of action cinema, with a number of scenes that are as beautiful as they are exciting, and a female hero who’s as elegant as she is deadly: an action-packed Audrey Hepburn.

Hope everyone was able to sit through this long review, but like I said, I judged these as movies and not video game adaptations because I have no knowledge of the video games these movies are based on. If you don’t like them because they didn’t do the video games justice, I completely understand, but as simple action movies, I think they are fine, enjoyable flicks. The latest one is probably the best. Check them out and see for yourself.

Thank you for joining in on “Video Game Adaptation Month.” I know I reviewed a lot of stinkers, but now everyone knows about why I have mentioned a few times that video game adaptations seem to spell disaster almost all the time. Stay tuned next month to see what I will have in store for everyone.

Mortal Kombat

Next up is the great video game franchise known as Mortal Kombat. This was a huge deal when it first appeared in arcades. At the time, Mortal Kombat was the violent and goriest game ever made. You could literally use “Fatalities” to kill your opponent in some of the most unimaginable ways. I believe I also first laid eyes on this game at a cousin’s house and I was in shock and awe, but also intrigued at the game. I loved playing it, but never figured out how to do the “Fatalities.”

Once they had decided to come out with a “Mortal Kombat” movie in 1995, people were praising this movie saying it was “The Best Video Game Adaptation Ever Made.” Really, because there are a lot of problems with this movie, like it not following the basic concept of the game. I know people love this movie, as I did when I first saw it at a cousin’s house when I was in Middle School, but when I rewatched it years later; I started noticing all the mistakes this movie made. Before you start sending your hate mail about me bashing “Mortal Kombat,” hear me out first. Remember, all of this is simply opinion, not fact, so don’t go crazy, even if you are wrong.

First off, why is this movie rated PG-13? Wouldn’t it have been cool if they had included some of those great “Fatalities” that we all saw and loved in the games? Oh, there is a “Fatality,” but it’s a little sissy version of it. That means the violence is toned down “a lot” in this movie, so we don’t get to see any of the blood and gore that we loved seeing in the game.

The basic story is that Mortal Kombat is a tournament between the fighters of Earth and Outworld that was created by the Elder Gods who want to invade Earth by Outworld. If Outworld wins Mortal Kombat ten consecutive times, Emperor Shao Khan will invade and conquer Earth.

One of the coolest characters in the game was lightning god Raiden, but in the movie he is played by Christopher Lambert. Nothing wrong with that, except for the fact that he does NOTHING BUT TALK THROUGHOUT THE MOVIE!!!! HE ONLY LIFTS UP A FINGER TO HELP THE PEOPLE HE SELECTED!!!! WHY DON’T WE SEE HIM FIGHT AND BE IN THE ACTION YOU JERKS!?!?!?!? He basically just sits on the sidelines and acts like a Obi-Wan Kenobi style mentor.

Raiden handpicks three people, Shaolin Monk Liu Kang (Robin Shou), actor Johnny Cage (Linden Ashby), and military officer Sonya Blade (Bridgette Wilson). All three have their own reasons for joining the tournament. Liu Kang wants to avenge the murder of his brother, Chan (Steven Ho), who was killed by the host of Mortal Kombat, Shang Tsung (Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa), Sonya Blade wants to find Australian crime lord Kano (Trevor Goddard) for killing her partner, and Johnny Cage has been called a fake by the media and wants to prove otherwise. These are just some of the most clichéd and juvenile reasons for ever joining a tournament. REVENGE DOES NOT BRING THE PERSON BACK FROM THE DEAD!!!! DON’T YOU KNOW THAT!?!?!?!? WHY GO OUT AND SEEK REVENGE, JUST TO SATISFY YOUR NEEDS THAT THE PERSON WHO KILLED THEM IS DEAD!?!?!?!? In the words of Mr. Freeze, “Revenge is a dish best served cold.”

Another major problem with this movie is that Shang Tsung has mind-controlled everyone’s favorite ninja characters, Scorpion (Chris Casamassa) and Subzero (François Petit), and they are his obedient slaves. Ok Paul W.S. Anderson, here is a little story that you clearly did not even bother researching before making this movie: Scorpion was one of the best fighters of the Japanese Shirai Ryu ninja clan. He was ordered to go to the Himalayas to retrieve a map, which Subzero, a fighter on the enemy Chinese assassins team called Lin Kuei, is also ordered to find. After Subzero fights and kills Scorpion, Scorpion becomes an undead ninja spirit who wants to avenge his own death against Subzero. Later, Subzero participates in Mortal Kombat because he is ordered to kill Shang Tsung and take his treasure. He fails and is killed by Scorpion, and Subzero turns into the undead Noob Saibot. Subzero also had a younger brother who in later games became Subzero, while the older brother was changed to Noob Saibot. WHY DO YOU HAVE THEM WORKING TOGETHER!?!?!? WHAT IS WITH THE EFFECT OF SCORPION’S SPEAR, IS IT SUPPOSED TO LOOK THAT WAY!?!?!? AND WHY DOES SUBZERO TAKE TOO LONG TO CHARGE UP HIS ICEBALL!?!?!?!?

We also have Reptile in here that was created from CGI and the vocal effects were provided by Frank Welker, who does turn into a human and is played by Keith Cooke. Reptile is a Zaterran, a nearly-extinct race of Reptilian humanoids and he is an obedient slave of Shao Khan. However, the CGI effect looks nothing like it does in the game. WHY DON’T YOU HAVE SCORPION, SUBZERO AND REPTILE, EVERYONE’S FAVORITE NINJA CHARACTERS, NOT TALK THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE MOVIE!?!?!?!? Actually, Scorpion does say his famous “Get Over Here” line, which is provided by the game’s co-creator Ed Boon, but that’s about it.

Goro, the prince of the underground Shokan and armies general of Outworld, is played by Tom Woodruff, Jr, but the voice is provided by Kevin Michael Richardson. I do think his effect is decent, BUT HIS LIPSYNC IS OFF!!!!

The movie has a poorly constructed plot, laughable dialogue and subpar acting. I’m serious; Johnny Cage doesn’t stop with his horrible one-liners that make your ears bleed. The lines are just plain stupid. Also, the fight scenes are like the ones you would see in a typical martial arts movie. Sure, some of the moves are there, but they don’t save the terrible fight scenes. The first half is just talking and the fight scenes are all in the second half. BALANCE IT OUT IDIOTS!!!

Why is Sonya at first tough, but once she gets in a headlock when she gets kidnapped by Shang Tsung, she becomes a damsel in distress? WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT TO THIS TOUGH CHARACTER!?!?!? THAT’S JUST AN INSULT!!! SHE IS A MILITARY OFFICER!!!! DOES SHE NOT KNOW HOW TO GET OUT OF ANY SORT OF RESTRAINT!?!?!?!? DID SHE NOT PAY ATTENTION DURING THE SELF-DEFENCE TRAINING!?!?!?!?!? Liu Kang does kill Shang Tsung and frees all the souls he has captured, but does that bring anyone back from the dead? NO!

The worst part about this movie is, once again, THEY LEAVE US OFF ON A CLIFFHANGER!!!! Everyone returns to Earth to have a victory celebration at the Shaolin temple, along with the Emperor’s adopted daughter, Princess Kitana, played by Talisa Soto, who becomes Liu Kang’s love interest. However, Shao Khan, voiced by Frank Welker, enters saying he is there for everyone’s souls, Raiden says, “I don’t think so,” they get into their fighting stances AND THE CREDITS ROLL!!!! To quote the Nostalgia Critic: when will videogame spinoffs learn? Leaving us on a cliffhanger doesn’t guarantee a sequel, you just anger the audience! Even if you do release a sequel, it doesn’t always mean it will be good, just be self-contained!

Case in point, let’s take a look at the 1997 sequel, “Mortal Kombat: Annihilation,” which I also saw at my cousin’s house and enjoyed, but when I rewatched it years later, I had no idea it was this bad. It seems like this has a cult-following because people are saying that this movie is fun to watch but where is the fun in watching this!? Nothing about this is fun, it’s just a pain to sit through. A lot of people agree how awful of a sequel this is. It even has a 3% on Rotten Tomatoes! Even the tagline said “Destroy all expectations,” which this movie successfully did!

To start off, this movie’s opening is the exact same as the first one, only they CG’ed “Annihilation” at the end. HOW CHEAP ARE YOU PEOPLE!?!?!? Another problem is that they recasted three of the characters. Raiden is now played by James Remar, Sonya Blade is now played by Sandra Hess and Johnny Cage is now played by Chris Conrad, who ends up getting killed FIVE MINUTES INTO THE MOVIE!!! Has Chris Conrad ever been in a good movie?

Unlike the first movie, which only had the characters from the first video game, this movie gets overcluttered with every character FROM THE SECOND AND THIRD VIDEO GAMES!!!! We have Shao Kahn (Brian Thompson), Jade (Irina Pantaeva), Jax (Lynn “Red Williams), Sindel (Musetta Vander), Sheeva (Marjean Holden), Shinnok (Reiner Schone), Nightwolf (Litefoot), Motaro (Deron McBee), Ermac (John Medlen), Cyrax (J.J. Perry), Noob Saibot (J.J. Perry), Rain (Tyrone C. Wiggins), Baraka (Dennis Keiffer), Smoke (Ridley Tsui) and Mileena (Dana Hee). J.J. Perry also plays Scorpion and Keith Cooke comes back to play Subzero.

Sindel is supposed to be Kitana’s mother, but why do they look like they are around the same age? When did she give birth? Or does she never age?

There is no story in this movie because the plot is just simply exposition. Everything is just explained out. Also, there are just way too many action scenes and they're completely stupid to look at, making it worse than the first movie because this horrendous sequel is nothing more than a mindless action flick!!!!

The special effects are poorly done, the fighting is sloppier than the first and the claymation is just plain laughable. On top of that, the acting is horrendous, the dialogue is pretentious and the lines are some of the worse ever. The quotes are just some of the worse written ever in a movie. Case in point, look at what Sindel says to Kitana when she finds out her mother is alive.

Also, they made Raiden and Shao Khan brothers, their father is Shinnok and Jade is apparently Asian, when she was ORIGINALLY BLACK IN THE GAMES!!!!

Seriously, this film makes the first “Mortal Kombat” movie look like a masterpiece! Does that mean that the first “Mortal Kombat” is a good movie and I like it now? No! However, I do give it credit for actually being a movie, WHICH IS MORE THAN I CAN SAY FOR THIS GARBAGE!!!!!

I will end with another quote from the Nostalgia Critic: Maybe this is the time when filmmakers will wake up and realize that they have to work hard in order to make movies about video games interesting. They can’t just make trash and expect it to be good. In fact, now is the time that filmmakers may stop worrying about making money and just concentrate on making decent, entertaining films about video games.

Now I know I talked more about the first “Mortal Kombat” when there is so much more that I can thrash on the sequel, but seriously, I think everyone knows the problems with that one. I just wanted to explain why I don’t like the first “Mortal Kombat” movie but everyone else loves it. These two movies have definitely aged, and I would highly recommend never to watch these movies. They are just a pain to sit through and you will regret watching them later. However, if you do end up liking one or both of those movies and think they are fun to watch, I understand.

Alright, next week I will be ending off the month with adaptations on a video game franchise that I have never played because I didn’t know it existed and I didn’t know these films were based on it. I will just be judging those as movies and not as video game adaptations because I don’t know what the video games were like. Just wait and see on the finale of “Video Game Adaptation Month.”

Street Fighter

Next up in the series of awful video game adaptations is “Street Fighter.” For those who have never played Street Fighter, I’ll fill you in on a little history. Street Fighter is a fighting video game franchise developed and published by Capcom. The first game in the series focuses on Ryu, a martial artist who competes in a worldwide martial arts tournament that takes place in five countries and 10 opponents. The second player is Ryu’s American friend, Ken Masters, who can do all the same moves that Ryu can. These are basically the two most playable characters in future installments that were released. However, in 1994, they made a terrible adaptation, loosely following the story of Street Fighter II: The World Warrior.

The basic story is about Colonel William F. Guile (Jean-Claude Van Damme) who wants to take down General M. Bison (Raúl Juliá), the military leader and drug overlord of Shadaloo City who wants to, you guessed it, take over the world with an army of genetic supersoldiers. To help out, Guile gets the help of street fighters Ryu Hoshi (Byron Mann) and Ken (Damian Chapa).

Now our first problem is that even though they got the character of Guile down almost right, why focus on this character that despite his theme song going with everything didn’t really have that much going for him. Also, the reason why he wanted to take down Bison’s Shadaloo City was because Bison killed his best friend, Charlie. However in the movie, Sergeant Carlos “Charlie” Blanka, played by Robert Mammone, is a hostage who is ordered by Bison to be used as a test subject in his lab to turn into the first of his supersoldiers. The doctor and scientist on this test is named Dhalsim, played by Roshan Seth. Hold the phone here!!! What are you people doing!? First off, Blanka was once a human whose plane crashed in Brazil but he mutated into a savage with green skin, orange hair and with the ability to generate electricity. Charlie Nash first became a playable character in Street Fighter: Alpha Warriors’ Dreams as a member of the US Air Force who was charged for finding Bison and destroying his organization, who also happened to have the same fighting style as Guile. Also, Dhalsim is a yogi, husband, father and pacifist who goes against his beliefs by enlisting in the World Warrior tournament to raise money for his village in India.

Guile has the help of two Army Navy people, Lietenant Cammy (singer Kylie Minogue) and Native-American Sergeant Thunder Hawk, or T. Hawk (Gregg Rainwater). First off, Cammy was once a clone assassin working for Shadaloo before breaking free and becoming a caring MI6 operative for the British government. Second, T. Hawk is a Native American fighter from Mexico whose family home was taken over by Shadaloo, resulting in his exile!!! GET YOUR FACTS RIGHT!!!!

What really makes me livid is that Ryu and Ken are changed into con artists in the movie. ARE YOU SERIOUS!?!?!? They both are best friends, rivals and sparring partners who trained under the same master, Gouken. Also, Ryu and Ken compete in the tournament to test their strength against the tournament’s champion. We also have Viktor Sagat, played by Wes Studi, who is turned into a rip off arms dealer in this movie. Ok, since you people do not get these characters right, Sagat is a famous Muay Thai expert from Thailand who is famous for his strength and height that works for Bison!!

Jay Tavare plays Vega, a cage fighting champion, who is one of few characters who they got almost right here, except for the fact that Vega also works under the rule of M. Bison in Shadaloo. Also, Ming-Na Wen plays Chun-Li, a news reporter who wants to get Bison for killing her father. Another character that they got almost right, except for one thing: SHE IS AN EXPERT MARTIAL ARTIST AND INTERPOL OFFICER!!!! On Chun-Li’s crew is former Hawaiian sumo wrestler Edmond Honda (Peter Tuiasosopo) and boxer Balrog (Grand L. Bush), who want revenge against Sagat for ruining their careers. ARE YOU SERIOUS!?!?!? First off, Honda is a sumo wrestler from Japan, like Ryu, who enters the World Tournament to make the world more aware of sumo wrestling!!! Also, Balrog is a disgraced boxer who works for Bison!!! GET YOUR FACTS RIGHT!!!!

Bison’s computer expert is Dee Jay (Miguel A. Nuñex Jr.) and bodyguard is Zangief (Andrew Bryniarski). YOU PEOPLE ARE IDIOTS!!!! ARE YOU SAYING NO ONE ON YOUR TEAM EVER PLAYED ANY OF THE VIDEO GAMES!?!?!?! Dee Jay is a Jamaican kickboxer and karateka, along with being a recording artist and breakdancer. Zangief is a Russian professional wrestler who fights to prove Russia is superior over all the other countries fighters!!!!

Why have all the characters from the game but only have a select few that you get completely right!? If you want to include all of the characters, fine, but GET THEIR CHARACTER TRAITS RIGHT!!!

Why would you even cast Van Damme as Guile? Seriously, it’s hard to understand most of the stuff he says. You couldn’t find anyone else!? The biggest slap in the face is having Raúl Juliá casted as Bison. Especially since in the game, Bison wanted to control the world’s governments through Shadaloo, not create supersoldiers!!! Although rumor has it that Raúl Juliá’s children wanted him to play Bison, and the poor man died of a stroke two months before the film was released, making this, sadly, the man’s last film he acted in.

Like always, the fight scenes are terribly done, seeing how they don’t have any of the special moves that you like doing in the games, although a few of them are done very poorly. Also, the acting in this movie is just straight up atrocious and just a pain to sit through. The writing has some of the worst ever in a movie. Except for one funny line where Zangief says “Quick, change the channel!”

The part that sucks the most is that the post-credit scene shows Bison revived in his ruined command center to try his world conquest mission again. IS THIS ANOTHER VIDEO GAME ADAPTATION THAT LEFT US OFF ON A STUPID CLIFFHANGER!?!?!? I think it was, and that just sucks big time!!!!

Bottom line: don’t see this movie, especially if you’re a fan of this video game franchise, which is famous for its speed and gameplay.

We sadly did get an intended reboot, “Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li,” released in 2009, which is much worse than the first one. The problem starts with casting the dead-eyed, sleepy-voiced, personality-weakened robot Kristin Kreuk (who you might remember from the trashy “Smallville” show) as the main piano-playing/fighter, and they continue with every other terrible façade of the production. Nathan Rabin said in his review, “Kreuk delivers her lines like a first-grade Sunday-school teacher addressing her students, and she boasts the energy and magnetism of a department-store mannequin.” She’s not even the film’s most miscast actor. That goes to “American Pie” alum Chris Klein as a joking Interpol agent. Rabin said, “It’s hard to say what’s sadder: that Klein aspires only to recapture the Jack Nicholson For Dummies smarty swagger of Kuffs-era Christian Slater, or that he fails miserably.” Like the film, Klein goes low, but still misses his point.

Rabin said, “Kreuk plays a big-hearted ivory-tinkler drawn into a web of intrigue after she receives a mysterious scroll beckoning her to Bangkok, where her father (Edmund Chen) has been kidnapped by sneering underworld kingpin Neal McDonough. Kreuk travels east in search of justice, and becomes the eager disciple of an enigmatic mentor prone to delivering pseudo-mystic mumbo jumbo.” Klein co-stars as a tough lawyer who helps Kreuk in wanting to bring McDonough down.

“The Legend of Chun-Li” should have a great blueprint for its action scenes where the typical fights of the classic videogame franchise that inspired it. Rabin noted, “Instead, director Andrzej Bartkowiak (Doom) stingily doles out generic, choppily edited fight scenes, so as not to distract from the parade of bad actors stiffly reciting wooden dialogue while inhabiting characters somehow less complex and multidimensional than their arcade counterparts.” “The Legend of Chun-Li” takes forever to start, wasting great fight scenes with weak exposition and “Dead or Alive” one-liners. Rabin said, “The film’s title should induce wistful nostalgia for lost, Mountain Dew-fueled afternoons manically punching buttons and maneuvering joysticks, but the dreary, joyless, indifferently directed film quickly squanders that goodwill.” I’m not surprised to know that “The Legend of Chun-Li” wasn’t screened for critics, but it shouldn’t have been released in theaters either. I don’t even think Uwe Boll would have done a better job because I hear that his video game adaptations are some of the worst films out there, and people have declared that his films are the worst video game adaptations. Remember, this is from what I heard, I've never seen an Uwe Boll movie, nor do I want to.

Final result: these two Street Fighter movies were doomed from the start. I played Street Fighter II: Turbo at my cousin’s house and I loved the game. Just seeing these movies and not having anything good in them is a giant slap in the face for those who are fans of this franchise.

Look out next week when I review two other horrible video game adaptations. They are sequels, but one movie people seem to love, but I don’t, but the sequel everyone agrees is far worse. Just stay tuned to know what I mean in “Video Game Adaptation Month.”

Double Dragon

Our next atrocious video game adaptation that we will be looking at is “Double Dragon.” From what I have gathered, because I never played any of the Double Dragon games, it was a beat’em up game about twin martial artist brothers, Billy and Jimmy Lee, who fight through the Black Warrior gang to rescue their common love interest, Marian. The arcade game, released in 1987, was such a hit that it was later ported to home video game consoles, famously a trilogy on the Nintendo Entertainment System (NES). With the arcade game and NES games being so famous, an adaptation was made in 1994. That’s right, seven years after the release of the arcade game. It took you that long to make an adaptation?

The story is about a magic medallion called “Double Dragon,” where if the two pieces come together as one, the person who holds it will be powerful. Our main problem with this movie is that the Lee brothers are not twins in the movie, but Jimmy (Mark Dacascos) is two years younger than Billy (Scott Wolf). Did these people ever played the game before adapting it? They are under the care of their guardian, who I think is also supposed to be the adoptive mother, but she looks “way” too young for that, Satori Imada, played by Julia Nickson. She ends up sacrificing herself when the theater home the Lee Brothers live in gets doused in gas and set on fire, but like I said, she is too underrated to even care about. Also, this movie takes place in 2007, after a really bad earthquake hit Los Angeles that it left it looking like a post-apocalyptic and a 80s/90s mix punk environment, now being called New Angeles. You know what? I think I actually remember seeing that all over the news on TV and the Internet back in 2007.

As mentioned before, the movie revolves around the “Double Dragon” medallion, which Satori holds possession of one piece. The other piece is apparently located “Somewhere in China,” which is actually what the movie says. ARE YOU SERIOUS!?!?!? DO YOU NOT KNOW ANY CITY NAMES IN CHINA!?!?!?!? The ninja Lash, played by Kristina Wagner, goes to find the other piece. She is under the command of Koga Shuko, played by Robert Patrick, who looks like a clone of Vanilla Ice and Donald Trump.

Unlike the video game, where you fight the Black Warrior, here we have the Mohawks. These are they gang you have the Lee brothers fighting? Do you really think these people are threatening? These people are nothing but a complete joke that deserves to be in “The Warriors.” Even with the leaders name being Bo Abobo, played by Nils Allen Stewart. DID CHILDREN WRITE THIS MOVIE!?!? WHAT KIND OF A NAME IS BO ABOBO!?!?!?

Look at the car the Lee Brothers drive. It’s a rip-off of all the famous cars from the 80s. The fire exhaust is from Batman’s Batmobile, the design is copied from the Ecto-1 from “Ghostbusters,” the car runs on Mr. Fusion from the DeLorean in “Back to the Future” and even has Knight Industries Two Thousand (KITT) from “Knight Rider.” WHAT IS GOING ON HERE!?!?!? NO ORIGINALITY!?!?!?

We also get some painful cameos in here. George Hamilton and Vanna White (famous for being the hostess on “Wheel of Fortune”) are the anchors on the news and Andy Dick is the weatherman. What were you people thinking when you were making these cameos!? Are they supposed to be funny, because it makes no sense to have them in the movie!!! Especially with some dated jokes about Madonna and Tom Arnold!!!

Remember in the beginning of the review when I mentioned that the Lee Brothers’ common love interest was Marian in the arcade game? Here, Marian is played by Alyssa Milano as the leader of the Power Corps, a Technicolor gang. WHERE ARE YOU FINDING THESE GANGS!?!?!? EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THESE GANGS IN THE MOVIE ARE NOTHING LIKE THEY ARE IN THE GAME!?!?! I know people are probably saying that I shouldn’t get worked up about this because I never played the game, but that doesn’t excuse the fact that video game adaptation or not, this film is one of the worst ever made, especially with some horrible writing, atrocious acting and ridiculous fighting.

Now the biggest slap in the face to those who love the Double Dragon game is when Shuko possesses Jimmy, he backs Billy up into the Double Dragon arcade game. ARE YOU SERIOUS!?!?! YOU PUT THE DOUBLE DRAGON ARCADE GAME IN THE DOUBLE DRAGON MOVIE!?!?!? WHAT’S WITH THIS PARADOX!?!?!?!? THAT’S LIKE IF THE MARIO BROTHERS WHERE PLAYING THE MARIO GAME IN THE MARIO MOVIE!?!?!? IT MAKES NO SENSE!?!?!? ADDITIONALLY, HOW DARE JIMMY KICK THE ARCADE GAME!?!?!?

Shuko, or “Guisman” as he was called before, gets the two halves of the medallion and become these Shadow Warriors who look like Noob Saibot rip-offs.

Bottom Line: this movie blows! If you ever played the Double Dragon games, don’t see this movie because it will make you want to throw this movie out of your window and smash it with a hammer.

Check in next week where I look at two movies that are adaptations on one of the greatest fighting games ever made.

Aladdin (2019)

I just made a huge mistake and saw the “Aladdin” remake, which came out three months ago, tonight. I knew going in that I was going to not like this movie, but I didn’t think that I wouldn’t like it this much. If you want to know what I mean, here we go.

Arab racism aside, the original animated “Aladdin” is a beloved movie, rising from your typical Disney cartoon to something larger than a huge part of it, thanks to its great, hilarious performance from the late Robin Williams as the Genie. Finding someone who can be exactly that way looked to be the most important part of the remake’s success. It’s difficult to say who was the right person that isn’t Robin Williams, but Will Smith is not the one. Genie, sadly, is the one who holds the entire movie together. Without a strong making, Agrabah will fall. In 2019, we should be happy that the fictional city is still around. Will Smith playing the crazy supernatural genie that lives in a dirty lamp sucks but deep, which is more of a reason to be sad. There’s a type of energy and spirit Williams’ voice acting carried that Smith, sadly, lacks. Expecting Smith to save this movie, which is nicely serviceable, is disrespectful to Smith. There is really nothing he, or anyone, could have done.

Megan Reynolds admitted in her review, “It was not my intention to see Guy Ritchie’s live-action remake of Aladdin on opening night, but life had other plans for me, which is why I found myself ensconced in a theater with recliners on Friday, wearing a pair of 3D glasses and ready to be carried away by Ritchie’s big budget retelling of a beloved Disney classic.”

Structurally, nothing really has changed, besides having a few additions to the plot to update it for 2019. The Sultan (Navid Negahban) is still being pushed around by Jafar (Marwan Kenzar), and Aladdin (Mena Massoud) is still a thief still smuggling food through Agrabah, which, as Reynolds described, “Looks like an Epcot imagining of the “Middle East.”” Princess Jasmine (Naomi Scott) has a new handmaiden, Dalia (Nasim Pedrad), along with a changed sense of women empowering which wasn’t included in the original. Reynolds noted, “Jasmine is no one’s chattel but her own, thank you very much, and she will sing not one but two original songs to prove it. Please consider “Speechless,” a song seemingly crafted to fill the “Let It Go”-shaped hole that exists in every new Disney movie.” It is a small part of princess power that this movie did not need, which is mainly what you can say about this remake altogether.

The set pieces look nice, as do the costumes, and the actors did what they could have done. Ritchie obviously relied mainly on special effects and green screens, which means the actors had to work even harder to look engaged with each other or with their surroundings. A Friend Like Me, the Genie’s main song, was destroyed horribly by Smith’s poor interpretations – understandable, knowing that he was likely working on a soundstage and not the computer-generated Cave of Wonders we ending up getting. Reynolds admitted, “The same could be said for “A Whole New World,” the most exciting part of the original to me, and a song that still goes hard at karaoke, in the bathroom, or while doing the dishes. Jasmine and Aladdin hop atop the magic carpet, but the ride that they take lacks the fantastical sense of wonder conveyed in the animated version—perhaps because I knew while watching it that both these actors were astride a green screen platform, dodging and singing around invisible obstacles.”

Really, the best part about the entire movie wasn’t anyone real – it was the magic carpet, a completely computer-generated invention that was filled with a real personality. Reynolds admitted, “When Carpet was torn asunder during the movie’s climactic action sequence, in which Jafar (not hot, and not nearly threatening enough), tries to end the world via his Genie-granted all-powerful magic, I was upset. I tried to rifle through the dusty coffers of my memory to see if Carpet perished in the original; obviously, I was wrong, and obviously, Carpet is repaired anew. The fact that I was elated at its survival but did not care when it seemed Aladdin, Jasmine, the Sultan, and Dalia’s lives were in danger speaks volumes.”

Nostalgia is a really high product and movie executives with money in their eyes are looting the recent past to bring new, improved versions of beloved classics to the theaters thinking of getting the type of huge returns “Aladdin” has – making $113 million its opening weekend, and nicely thrashing everything else in its way. Reynolds ended her review by saying, “This doesn’t mean that the movie itself is worthy of such numbers, but it does seem like an easy way to spend two hours on a hot summer’s day when you no longer feel like driving the kids to the Target and back.”

Say what you will about the original, but that at least had some heart and drive to it. This one had bad acting, unfunny humor, reworked scenes that were superfluous, added scenes that were even more superfluous and songs that didn’t have that upbeat, catchy, toe-tapping vibe that the original had. This was a huge insult for those who grew up and loved the original animated version. I wasn’t a huge fan of it, but I did love Robin Williams’ Genie in that. Will Smith admitted in an interview that he didn’t try and just rapped because he can’t sing. The original had a simple, straightforward plot that was told in a nice, short runtime. The remake didn't really need to be two hours long, which felt tedious and made you wonder when it was going to end! Don’t make the mistake of watching this movie because it will leave you feeling empty and livid that they botched up this remake.

Thank goodness I’m done with that terrible Disney remake. Look out tomorrow when I continue “Video Game Adaptation Month.”

Super Mario Bros: The Movie

I don’t think I can put this off any longer. I feel like I owe it to you, my loyal online readers, as to why I think that every video game adaptation that I have seen have been nothing but pure, utter garbage. Granted I saw a few when I was a kid and a couple more when I got older, but the fact still remains that I’m with everyone who says that an adaptation on a video game has never been good but has been complete trash. That’s because these movie makers have not captured the simple concept of the game and not follow through with the source material 100%. Without further delay, let’s take a look at the very first video game adaptation that was released, “Super Mario Bros: The Movie,” released in 1993.

When I was a child growing up in the 90s, I knew that everyone grew up playing the first three Mario games on the Nintendo Entertainment System (NES) and Super Mario World on the Super Nintendo (SNES). We actually own Super Mario Bros 2 and I remember playing Super Mario Bros 3 at my cousin’s house. I loved those games so much when I used to play them. Then I saw the “Super Mario Bros: The Movie” on TV sometime in the mid-to-late 90s and I remember liking it. Remember, I was a child, I didn’t know any better. Then I saw it again when I was like 12 or 13 on Cable and I don’t remember if I liked it or not. It wasn’t until I fully re-watched it like four or five years ago when I completely got all the reasons why I completely loathe this movie entirely. This movie, along with “Batman & Robin” and “Warriors of Virtue,” are the three movies that I remember liking as a kid and really beating myself up for liking back than, now as an adult. I just can’t believe that I would like these three movies, which are widely regarded as some of the worst films out there.

To start off, the film begins with the traditional Mario theme, which fools viewers into thinking that this movie will be just like the game. That is, until we see an animated history lesson of the dinosaurs extinction. What does that have to do with the game? Next thing you know, we cut to Present Day Brooklyn, which makes viewers think that why this isn’t being taken place in the Mushroom Kingdom? You know, like EVERY MARIO GAME OUT THERE!?!?!? Mario is played by the late British actor, Bob Hoskins, and Luigi is played by Latino actor, John Leguizamo. ARE YOU SAYING YOU COULDN'T FIND ITALIAN ACTORS TO PLAY THESE CHARACTERS, WHO ARE CLEARLY ITALIAN!?!?!?!? From what I heard, Hoskins hated this movie and said it was the worst thing he has ever acted in, even going so far to call it a “nightmare.” Even Leguizamo said in his book that to not feel the pain of acting in this film, they both were always drinking scotch on set. I would probably do the same thing if I was acting in the worst video game adaptation ever.

Another problem I have with this movie is that even though a couple of times before, Mario does say clearly that him and Luigi are brothers, when they are on a double date, Luigi said that Mario raised him, calling him his father, brother, uncle, everything. So what is the relation!? Do you mind making that clear? On top of that, they made their last names Mario!? ARE YOU FLIPPING SERIOUS!?!?!? YOU COULDN’T THINK UP OF AN ITALIAN LAST NAME!?!?!? Unlike the game, which hinted at the fact that the Mario Brothers could be plumbers, in the movie, their occupation is they are plumbers. Also, like every Mario game where Mario is out to save Princess Peach, she’s nowhere in the movie. Instead, we get NYU archeology/paleontology student Daisy, played by Samantha Mathis, as the love interest for Luigi. You mean the Princess from the Game Boy game Super Mario Land!? WHERE IS PEACH, YOU JERKS!?!?!? Instead, it looks like Mario is dating some girl by the name of Daniella, played by Dana Kaminski.

The biggest slap in the face to people is that the villain, Koopa, is played by Dennis Hopper. There is nothing wrong with Dennis Hopper playing the villain, since he played that a lot in the 90s, but Koopa is dragon/dinosaur hybrid. Here, he is a human who looks like a Donald Trump alike magnate! WHY!? Koopa apparently has some sort of fascination with mud, dirt and fungus, which comes off as making you feel unclean. In the end, he does get de-evolved into his dinosaur form, which is a horrible dinosaur CGI effect that looks nothing like in the game. Note: the de-evolve guns that they use are SNES Super Scopes.

Apparently, Daisy wears a piece of the meteorite that made the dinosaurs extinct around her neck at all times. Koopa wants to get that meteorite piece because apparently that piece can cross dimensions into another world where people are descended from dinosaurs instead of monkeys and merge the two dimensions together. Sounds typical, right? Ok, this movie does get credit that they followed the main part of Koopa capturing a princess and the Mario Bros have to go save her. Also, Daisy's father is King Reznor, played by Lance Henriksen, who has been turned into fungus by Koopa. The dimension where humans are descended from dinosaurs look like the same, typical futuristic setting that we have seen in other films like “Blade Runner” and “The Fifth Element,” which doesn’t really have anything new to offer.

Koopa has two henchmen, Iggy (Fisher Stevens) and Spike (Richard Edson). If you remember from Super Mario Bros 3, Iggy is one of Koopa’s offspring’s and Spike is this creature. Really random! I guess the people were trying to make them the comic reliefs of the movie, but they come off as nothing but bumbling idiots. They’re stupider then the burglars in “Home Alone!” You also remember big Bertha, the fish from Super Mario Bros 3? Here, she is played by Francesca Roberts as a BAR BOUNCER WHO STEALS THE METEORITE!?!?!? Unfortunately, you get a lot of shots of the meteorite around her chest. IS THIS SOMETHING YOU WANT TO SEE IN AN ADAPTATION OF THE FIRST GAME EVERYONE PLAYED IN THE 80S AND 90S!?!?!?

Also, Thwomp, the living blocks that would crush you in the games, are a brand name given to rocket boots in the movie, which would have been a great power-up in any of the games, that apparently are fueled by what look like Bullet Bills. Are you serious!? There’s also a Bob-Omb, which does what it’s supposed to in the game, only not completely. This useless thing just keeps going and going. The Bob-Omb explodes ONCE THEY HIT A WALL OR SOMETHING THAT STOPS ITS PATH!!!! Here, they climb up walls and walk upside-down, which NEVER HAPPENS IN THE GAME!! Also, they are used as product placements for REEBOOKS SNEAKERS!!! YOU CORPORATE MOGULS!!!!

Goombas are the main henchmen that we see in every game, right? The tiny little walking mushrooms with large heads and sharp teeth. Here, they are 7-feet henchmen with small dinosaur heads. WHAT IS GOING ON HERE!?!?!? Toad, played by Mojo Nixon, who originally in the game is probably the annoying and useless playable character, is turned into a hippie in the movie THAT GETS TURNED INTO A GOOMBA!!! ARE YOU TRYING TO SHATTER THE GAME INTO A THOUSAND PIECES!?!?!? Also, you remember Yoshi, the creature in Super Mario World that you could use to ride on through the levels? He could technically be called a dinosaur, couldn’t he? Well in the movie, he is just that, a generic looking dinosaur. On top of that, he is like a baby T-Rex WHO THEY CAN’T USE TO RIDE ON!!!! Both the Goombas and Yoshi are voiced by Frank Welker.

The humor in this movie is just a pain to listen to. Like the part where Koopa is trying to order a pizza, but there is no payoff. Then what was the point of putting that in the movie? What’s the purpose to make a joke with no humor that doesn’t have a payoff? Did you ever think about that? This is some of the most atrocious writing I have ever heard in a movie.

What really slaps people in the face is how the film just leaves off on a cliffhanger. Spoilers: Three weeks after everything that happens in the movie, Daisy arrives and asks the Mario Bros to help her and says, “You’re never gonna believe this!” Mario then replies, “Oh, I believe it,” while they grab their plumber belts and put them on. If you wait until after the credits, Iggy and Spike try to propose a game called The Super Koopa Cousins.

Good thing is they never tried doing another Mario movie because this movie bombed at the box office and was critically slammed by critics. If you get the chance to never see this movie, don’t watch it. Save yourself from this travesty that slammed all of our precious childhood memories of playing the Mario games by not following through with the source material and being unanimously called “The Worst Video Game Adaptation Ever.” I agree, as this movie is not only the worst movie I have ever reviewed, this is the worst movie I have ever seen. My brother also said that this has got to be the worst movie he has ever seen as well.

Now that I have finally told everyone why I hate this film so much, look out next week as we continue this torture in “Video Game Adaptations Month.”