Super Mario Bros: The Movie

I don’t think I can put this off any longer. I feel like I owe it to you, my loyal online readers, as to why I think that every video game adaptation that I have seen have been nothing but pure, utter garbage. Granted I saw a few when I was a kid and a couple more when I got older, but the fact still remains that I’m with everyone who says that an adaptation on a video game has never been good but has been complete trash. That’s because these movie makers have not captured the simple concept of the game and not follow through with the source material 100%. Without further delay, let’s take a look at the very first video game adaptation that was released, “Super Mario Bros: The Movie,” released in 1993.

When I was a child growing up in the 90s, I knew that everyone grew up playing the first three Mario games on the Nintendo Entertainment System (NES) and Super Mario World on the Super Nintendo (SNES). We actually own Super Mario Bros 2 and I remember playing Super Mario Bros 3 at my cousin’s house. I loved those games so much when I used to play them. Then I saw the “Super Mario Bros: The Movie” on TV sometime in the mid-to-late 90s and I remember liking it. Remember, I was a child, I didn’t know any better. Then I saw it again when I was like 12 or 13 on Cable and I don’t remember if I liked it or not. It wasn’t until I fully re-watched it like four or five years ago when I completely got all the reasons why I completely loathe this movie entirely. This movie, along with “Batman & Robin” and “Warriors of Virtue,” are the three movies that I remember liking as a kid and really beating myself up for liking back than, now as an adult. I just can’t believe that I would like these three movies, which are widely regarded as some of the worst films out there.

To start off, the film begins with the traditional Mario theme, which fools viewers into thinking that this movie will be just like the game. That is, until we see an animated history lesson of the dinosaurs extinction. What does that have to do with the game? Next thing you know, we cut to Present Day Brooklyn, which makes viewers think that why this isn’t being taken place in the Mushroom Kingdom? You know, like EVERY MARIO GAME OUT THERE!?!?!? Mario is played by the late British actor, Bob Hoskins, and Luigi is played by Latino actor, John Leguizamo. ARE YOU SAYING YOU COULDN'T FIND ITALIAN ACTORS TO PLAY THESE CHARACTERS, WHO ARE CLEARLY ITALIAN!?!?!?!? From what I heard, Hoskins hated this movie and said it was the worst thing he has ever acted in, even going so far to call it a “nightmare.” Even Leguizamo said in his book that to not feel the pain of acting in this film, they both were always drinking scotch on set. I would probably do the same thing if I was acting in the worst video game adaptation ever.

Another problem I have with this movie is that even though a couple of times before, Mario does say clearly that him and Luigi are brothers, when they are on a double date, Luigi said that Mario raised him, calling him his father, brother, uncle, everything. So what is the relation!? Do you mind making that clear? On top of that, they made their last names Mario!? ARE YOU FLIPPING SERIOUS!?!?!? YOU COULDN’T THINK UP OF AN ITALIAN LAST NAME!?!?!? Unlike the game, which hinted at the fact that the Mario Brothers could be plumbers, in the movie, their occupation is they are plumbers. Also, like every Mario game where Mario is out to save Princess Peach, she’s nowhere in the movie. Instead, we get NYU archeology/paleontology student Daisy, played by Samantha Mathis, as the love interest for Luigi. You mean the Princess from the Game Boy game Super Mario Land!? WHERE IS PEACH, YOU JERKS!?!?!? Instead, it looks like Mario is dating some girl by the name of Daniella, played by Dana Kaminski.

The biggest slap in the face to people is that the villain, Koopa, is played by Dennis Hopper. There is nothing wrong with Dennis Hopper playing the villain, since he played that a lot in the 90s, but Koopa is dragon/dinosaur hybrid. Here, he is a human who looks like a Donald Trump alike magnate! WHY!? Koopa apparently has some sort of fascination with mud, dirt and fungus, which comes off as making you feel unclean. In the end, he does get de-evolved into his dinosaur form, which is a horrible dinosaur CGI effect that looks nothing like in the game. Note: the de-evolve guns that they use are SNES Super Scopes.

Apparently, Daisy wears a piece of the meteorite that made the dinosaurs extinct around her neck at all times. Koopa wants to get that meteorite piece because apparently that piece can cross dimensions into another world where people are descended from dinosaurs instead of monkeys and merge the two dimensions together. Sounds typical, right? Ok, this movie does get credit that they followed the main part of Koopa capturing a princess and the Mario Bros have to go save her. Also, Daisy's father is King Reznor, played by Lance Henriksen, who has been turned into fungus by Koopa. The dimension where humans are descended from dinosaurs look like the same, typical futuristic setting that we have seen in other films like “Blade Runner” and “The Fifth Element,” which doesn’t really have anything new to offer.

Koopa has two henchmen, Iggy (Fisher Stevens) and Spike (Richard Edson). If you remember from Super Mario Bros 3, Iggy is one of Koopa’s offspring’s and Spike is this creature. Really random! I guess the people were trying to make them the comic reliefs of the movie, but they come off as nothing but bumbling idiots. They’re stupider then the burglars in “Home Alone!” You also remember big Bertha, the fish from Super Mario Bros 3? Here, she is played by Francesca Roberts as a BAR BOUNCER WHO STEALS THE METEORITE!?!?!? Unfortunately, you get a lot of shots of the meteorite around her chest. IS THIS SOMETHING YOU WANT TO SEE IN AN ADAPTATION OF THE FIRST GAME EVERYONE PLAYED IN THE 80S AND 90S!?!?!?

Also, Thwomp, the living blocks that would crush you in the games, are a brand name given to rocket boots in the movie, which would have been a great power-up in any of the games, that apparently are fueled by what look like Bullet Bills. Are you serious!? There’s also a Bob-Omb, which does what it’s supposed to in the game, only not completely. This useless thing just keeps going and going. The Bob-Omb explodes ONCE THEY HIT A WALL OR SOMETHING THAT STOPS ITS PATH!!!! Here, they climb up walls and walk upside-down, which NEVER HAPPENS IN THE GAME!! Also, they are used as product placements for REEBOOKS SNEAKERS!!! YOU CORPORATE MOGULS!!!!

Goombas are the main henchmen that we see in every game, right? The tiny little walking mushrooms with large heads and sharp teeth. Here, they are 7-feet henchmen with small dinosaur heads. WHAT IS GOING ON HERE!?!?!? Toad, played by Mojo Nixon, who originally in the game is probably the annoying and useless playable character, is turned into a hippie in the movie THAT GETS TURNED INTO A GOOMBA!!! ARE YOU TRYING TO SHATTER THE GAME INTO A THOUSAND PIECES!?!?!? Also, you remember Yoshi, the creature in Super Mario World that you could use to ride on through the levels? He could technically be called a dinosaur, couldn’t he? Well in the movie, he is just that, a generic looking dinosaur. On top of that, he is like a baby T-Rex WHO THEY CAN’T USE TO RIDE ON!!!! Both the Goombas and Yoshi are voiced by Frank Welker.

The humor in this movie is just a pain to listen to. Like the part where Koopa is trying to order a pizza, but there is no payoff. Then what was the point of putting that in the movie? What’s the purpose to make a joke with no humor that doesn’t have a payoff? Did you ever think about that? This is some of the most atrocious writing I have ever heard in a movie.

What really slaps people in the face is how the film just leaves off on a cliffhanger. Spoilers: Three weeks after everything that happens in the movie, Daisy arrives and asks the Mario Bros to help her and says, “You’re never gonna believe this!” Mario then replies, “Oh, I believe it,” while they grab their plumber belts and put them on. If you wait until after the credits, Iggy and Spike try to propose a game called The Super Koopa Cousins.

Good thing is they never tried doing another Mario movie because this movie bombed at the box office and was critically slammed by critics. If you get the chance to never see this movie, don’t watch it. Save yourself from this travesty that slammed all of our precious childhood memories of playing the Mario games by not following through with the source material and being unanimously called “The Worst Video Game Adaptation Ever.” I agree, as this movie is not only the worst movie I have ever reviewed, this is the worst movie I have ever seen. My brother also said that this has got to be the worst movie he has ever seen as well.

Now that I have finally told everyone why I hate this film so much, look out next week as we continue this torture in “Video Game Adaptations Month.”