Double Dragon

Our next atrocious video game adaptation that we will be looking at is “Double Dragon.” From what I have gathered, because I never played any of the Double Dragon games, it was a beat’em up game about twin martial artist brothers, Billy and Jimmy Lee, who fight through the Black Warrior gang to rescue their common love interest, Marian. The arcade game, released in 1987, was such a hit that it was later ported to home video game consoles, famously a trilogy on the Nintendo Entertainment System (NES). With the arcade game and NES games being so famous, an adaptation was made in 1994. That’s right, seven years after the release of the arcade game. It took you that long to make an adaptation?

The story is about a magic medallion called “Double Dragon,” where if the two pieces come together as one, the person who holds it will be powerful. Our main problem with this movie is that the Lee brothers are not twins in the movie, but Jimmy (Mark Dacascos) is two years younger than Billy (Scott Wolf). Did these people ever played the game before adapting it? They are under the care of their guardian, who I think is also supposed to be the adoptive mother, but she looks “way” too young for that, Satori Imada, played by Julia Nickson. She ends up sacrificing herself when the theater home the Lee Brothers live in gets doused in gas and set on fire, but like I said, she is too underrated to even care about. Also, this movie takes place in 2007, after a really bad earthquake hit Los Angeles that it left it looking like a post-apocalyptic and a 80s/90s mix punk environment, now being called New Angeles. You know what? I think I actually remember seeing that all over the news on TV and the Internet back in 2007.

As mentioned before, the movie revolves around the “Double Dragon” medallion, which Satori holds possession of one piece. The other piece is apparently located “Somewhere in China,” which is actually what the movie says. ARE YOU SERIOUS!?!?!? DO YOU NOT KNOW ANY CITY NAMES IN CHINA!?!?!?!? The ninja Lash, played by Kristina Wagner, goes to find the other piece. She is under the command of Koga Shuko, played by Robert Patrick, who looks like a clone of Vanilla Ice and Donald Trump.

Unlike the video game, where you fight the Black Warrior, here we have the Mohawks. These are they gang you have the Lee brothers fighting? Do you really think these people are threatening? These people are nothing but a complete joke that deserves to be in “The Warriors.” Even with the leaders name being Bo Abobo, played by Nils Allen Stewart. DID CHILDREN WRITE THIS MOVIE!?!? WHAT KIND OF A NAME IS BO ABOBO!?!?!?

Look at the car the Lee Brothers drive. It’s a rip-off of all the famous cars from the 80s. The fire exhaust is from Batman’s Batmobile, the design is copied from the Ecto-1 from “Ghostbusters,” the car runs on Mr. Fusion from the DeLorean in “Back to the Future” and even has Knight Industries Two Thousand (KITT) from “Knight Rider.” WHAT IS GOING ON HERE!?!?!? NO ORIGINALITY!?!?!?

We also get some painful cameos in here. George Hamilton and Vanna White (famous for being the hostess on “Wheel of Fortune”) are the anchors on the news and Andy Dick is the weatherman. What were you people thinking when you were making these cameos!? Are they supposed to be funny, because it makes no sense to have them in the movie!!! Especially with some dated jokes about Madonna and Tom Arnold!!!

Remember in the beginning of the review when I mentioned that the Lee Brothers’ common love interest was Marian in the arcade game? Here, Marian is played by Alyssa Milano as the leader of the Power Corps, a Technicolor gang. WHERE ARE YOU FINDING THESE GANGS!?!?!? EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THESE GANGS IN THE MOVIE ARE NOTHING LIKE THEY ARE IN THE GAME!?!?! I know people are probably saying that I shouldn’t get worked up about this because I never played the game, but that doesn’t excuse the fact that video game adaptation or not, this film is one of the worst ever made, especially with some horrible writing, atrocious acting and ridiculous fighting.

Now the biggest slap in the face to those who love the Double Dragon game is when Shuko possesses Jimmy, he backs Billy up into the Double Dragon arcade game. ARE YOU SERIOUS!?!?! YOU PUT THE DOUBLE DRAGON ARCADE GAME IN THE DOUBLE DRAGON MOVIE!?!?!? WHAT’S WITH THIS PARADOX!?!?!?!? THAT’S LIKE IF THE MARIO BROTHERS WHERE PLAYING THE MARIO GAME IN THE MARIO MOVIE!?!?!? IT MAKES NO SENSE!?!?!? ADDITIONALLY, HOW DARE JIMMY KICK THE ARCADE GAME!?!?!?

Shuko, or “Guisman” as he was called before, gets the two halves of the medallion and become these Shadow Warriors who look like Noob Saibot rip-offs.

Bottom Line: this movie blows! If you ever played the Double Dragon games, don’t see this movie because it will make you want to throw this movie out of your window and smash it with a hammer.

Check in next week where I look at two movies that are adaptations on one of the greatest fighting games ever made.