Scream 3

What we are taught in "Scream 3," released in 2000, that the difference between a trilogy and a sequel is that sequels keep going, but a trilogy has a beginning, a middle and an end: "In a trilogy, nobody's safe. Even the hero can die in the final chapter. This is explained by Randy in the third of this ridiculous slasher franchise where the characters know every horror cliches and get stuck in them sadly.

The movie this time moves every surviving character from the last "Scream" movies to Hollywood, where a horror film titled "Stab 3" is in production. There is a murder, then another: the murderer is killing the actors in the same way they are killed in the screenplay. However, the third victim may be hard to guess: "There were three different versions of the script," an executive, cameo made by Roger Corman, explains, "to keep the ending off the Internet. I don't know which version the killer read." All of that doesn't matter. The fax machine goes off, and it's a call from the murderer, sending revised script pages. Every issue with spoilers on the Internet could make a slasher movie of its own (Roger Ebert was funny when he said, "a serial killer, under delusion he is Freddy Krueger, kills to prove a Web rumor site is wrong.")

Ebert actually admitted, "And in an attempt to keep actual Web sites from revealing the movie's secrets, the studio delayed screenings of "Scream 3'' until the last possible moment, and even then banned many Web-based critics from attending (although the lads from Playboy.com were hunkered down happily in the row in front of me)."

Anyone who is able to know who the murderer in "Scream 3" was would be the smartest person of this franchise, since you keep guessing who it could be. Why? Because it's completely random. It could be any of the characters in the movie, or (what could have been a funny trick) none of them. Ebert is right when he says, "The characters are so thin, they're transparent. They function primarily to scream, split up when they should stick together, go alone into basements and dark rooms, and make ironic references to horror cliches and earlier movies in the series." Director Wes Craven already did the self-aware horror genre cleverly in "Wes Craven's New Nightmare," and this is the idiotic version.

Some of it is hilarious. You can actually recognize the cameo appearances from celebrities like Roger Corman, Kevin Smith and Carrie Fisher (she's a studio worker in charge of archives who says, "I was up for Princess Leia, but you know who gets it - the one who sleeps with George Lucas.")

You can also get the reasoning behind Parker Posey, who plays Jennifer Jolie, an actress who is casted to play Gale Weathers and tells her, "Everywhere you go, I'm gonna follow you, so if he wants to kill you, you'll be there to be killed, and he won't need to kill me." Ebert said, ""Scream 3'' is essentially an interlacing of irony and gotcha! scenes. The monster in his (or her) fright mask can be anywhere at any time and jump into the frame at any moment. All we know for sure is that two out or three scares will be false. (When will the characters in these movies learn that when victims are being "cut up into fish sticks,'' it is NOT FUNNY to sneak up behind friends to scare them?)" Neve Campbell is back as the main character, a woman who went through so much torture that she changed her name, moved to Monterey, and has a job for a hot line. The camera loves her. Ebert noted, "She could become a really big star and then giggle at clips from this film at her AFI tribute."

Also casted are David Arquette as a former cop, now a security guard who's still in love with Gale Weathers, Scott Foley as the "Stab 3" director, Dean Richmond as the man who knows every movie conventions, Liev Schreiber as a talk-show host, Patrick Dempsey as a cop, Lance Henriksen as a crazy horror film director with old secrets, and Jenny McCarthy as an actress who does or does not get killed, but, as Ebert stated, "certainly wears a dress we will see again in Playboy's annual "Sex in Cinema'' feature." Patrick Warburton, a fast-popular action star, has a funny part as a "professional celebrity guard" who clients have "included Julia Roberts and Salman Rushdie." Ebert admitted, "My own feeling is relief that the series is at last ended. If "Scream" (1996) was like a funny joke, "Scream 2" (1997) was like somebody telling you, "here's how I heard that joke,'' and "Scream 3'' is like somebody who won't believe you've already heard it."

Ebert went on to say, "What I will remember from the movie is that everyone uses cell phones constantly, which is convenient for the screenplay, since the characters can be anywhere and still call for help or threaten one another."

Ebert asked, "Remember the 1980 horror movie named "Don't Answer the Phone''?" If the "Scream 3" characters had taken that advice, there would have been (thankfully) no movie, just a lot of boring characters spread out through California, waiting for calls.

If you liked the first two movies, you won't like this one, I assure you. This movie is so bland and tired that it repeats the same formula that the past two movies did. Just because it may have worked before doesn't mean that it will keep working. Just try something new for crying out loud.

For those who thought this was the last movie, think again. A fourth one was made, which we will look at tomorrow in the last of my reviews on the ridiculous "Scream franchise."