Surf Ninjas

Well guys, I have sad news. I didn’t get a chance to see the new Ninja Turtles movie before today, so I can’t review that one…yet. However, I don’t want to leave you all out in the dust without a review today, so I think I’ll review another Ninja Turtles knock-off that was something very common among filmmakers in the early to mid-nineties. Let’s see…how about the 1993 surfing-ninjitsu movie, “Surf Ninjas?”

There’s a moment in the beginning of the movie when one of the high school students is asked to introduce an Asian religious leader during a school assembly. One problem: he’s forgotten to prepare something. A usual problem with high school students, they love to procrastinate, don’t they? At the last possible minute, instead of preparing a speech, he gathers some of his friends together and makes them sing the classic Beach Boys song “Barbara Ann,” instead using the religious leader’s name. The leader is played by Keone Young.

This kind of spirited and contagious disrespect is what the film torments its viewers with throughout the 90 minute runtime. Aside from those occasional moments, the film instead relies on familiar themes, lazy comedy and ridiculous martial arts humor. There might have been some inspiration prepared, but that was discarded along the way to rely on using the same old thing we had seen so many times before.

Chris Hicks stated in his review, “A lame cross between the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and Bill and Ted (or is that Wayne and Garth?), "Surf Ninjas" is yet another teen (or pre-teen) adventure-comedy that aims so low even kids in the audience find few chuckles.”

Also, this film follows another strange movie rule: Do not use any comedy that casts the late Leslie Nielsen outside the “Naked Gun” trilogy.

Now the story, if there is one, is about Southern California surfing brothers, Johnny and Adam (Ernie Reyes Jr. and Nicolas Cowan), along with their friend Iggy (Rob Schneider), being stalked by ninjas. God seems to be on their side because anytime the ninjas try to attack; another ninja pops up and attacks those ninjas before the boys ever get a chance to realize what is going on.

When the boys eventually meet up with their savior ninja, named Zatch, played by Ernie Reyes Jr.’s father, Ernie Reyes Sr., he tells that he was assigned to protect the boys because they are heirs to the throne of the island called Patu San located in the South China Sea. The ninjas that are trying to kill them have been sent by the half-robotic Colonel Chi, played by Nielsen, who is now the dictator.

For some odd reason that was probably not explained very well, the brothers were spirited off as babies and were adopted by Mac, played by John Karlen, who they thought were their father for their whole lives. The brothers don’t believe this, which is believable, until Mac is kidnapped by Chi’s men.

Zatch then takes Johnny and Adam (and sadly Iggy tags along) to a Patu San restaurant in Los Angeles, where Johnny meets Princess Ro-May, played by one of the hottest actresses, Kelly Hu, who he has been engaged to since they were children.

Now we get to Patu San, where everybody joins in to fight Chi and his henchmen. Also, much to his everlasting shame, I believe, rapper Tone Loc tags along with them in this movie playing an L.A. officer.

I agree with Hicks when he says in his review, “Most of the way, though, the movie is merely another uneasy blend of martial arts action comedy, offbeat anachronisms (especially with Nielsen's character) and occasional music videos.”

The cast seems to be enjoying themselves. Heck, you get the feeling that everyone had a good time making this movie since it was filmed both in Hawaii and Thailand. Sadly, that sense of fun does not sit well with the audience.

Director Neal Israel and writer Dan Gordon seems perfectly content to let the film go on the fascinations of Ernie Reyes Jr., which he does have, undeniably. However, that’s not enough to hold together something weak like this film.

If you get the chance to pass this film up, do so. You’re not missing anything if you don’t watch this film. Maybe when you were a child and you saw this, you probably liked it, but if you saw it again as an adult, you wouldn’t like it at all, I promise you.

Alright everyone, keep your fingers crossed that I will see the new Ninja Turtles movie while it’s still in theaters. I don’t want to wait until I rent it on DVD, because I don’t know how long it will be. Stay tuned, because “Ninja Turtles month” will not be over until the new movie is reviewed.