Fantastic Four (2015)

I can’t take it anymore. Before I crack, I have to talk about the latest “Fantastic Four” adaptation, which came out about a month ago. As everyone probably knows, this movie has tanked at the box office and has received nothing but negative praise from critics. Is it really “that” bad? Could the fourth attempt at making it really have been the worst? Oh, you bet it has. Bear in mind that this will be a spoiler-full review, so if you haven’t seen the movie, then don’t read the review. If you want a short version: "Don't" see this movie!"

The movie starts off with Owen Judge and Evan Hanneman playing Reed Richards and Ben Grimm, respectively, as kids. Apparently Ben works in a junkyard and his older brother, played by Tom Hanks’ son, Chet Hanks, looks like he is in late high school, early college and likes to pounce on Ben. Luckily the mom, played by Mary-Pat Green, comes in and beats the living tar out of the older brother telling him not to beat up on a child. That’s right because there could be a lawsuit pulled on you for beating up a kid who is not even, or might be half your age, knucklehead!

Cut to seven years later when Reed and Ben, now played by Miles Teller and Jamie Bell, are at their high school science fair when they are approached by Dr. Franklin Storm (Reg E. Cathey) and his adopted daughter, Sue (the hot Kate Mara). Hold your horses right there, filmmakers!!! You made Sue adopted in this version!? Did any one of you ever read a Fantastic Four comic book!? SUE WAS NEVER ADOPTED, YOU IDIOTS!!!!

Before we go any further, let’s talk about the characters. Miles Teller does do a nice job as playing Reed Richards, but the problem with him is that we do not get inside of his head. I would like to know just how smart of a guy he is or his relationship with his mom (Mary Rachel Dudley) and stepdad (Tim Heidecker). We never get that opportunity. Kate Mara is probably better than Jessica Alba, but she mostly plays the role completely dead faced. She doesn’t show any sort of emotion except for a couple of times when she smiles. Also, Reed and Sue are supposed to have a relationship, but we don’t really see that at all. Well, ok, maybe a couple of times, but it’s never developed. Reg E. Cathey is exactly like how Kate is playing Sue. He is completely expressionless and doesn’t seem to change the look on his face throughout the duration of the movie. I want to see more of Jamie Bell as Ben Grimm, but he’s mostly just shoved to the side and we don’t get to see much of him. Michael B. Jordan plays Johnny Storm in this one, but he plays the role as a reckless idiot. He’s immature, juvenile, doesn’t listen, stubborn, and wants things to go his way. Now you might be saying, well Chris Evans played that somewhat in the 2005 version and the 2007 sequel. Yeah, but in that one, he showed likability, unlike in this one where you just want to reach through the screen and strangle this nincompoop. Toby Kebbell plays Victor von Doom in this movie, but he comes across as nothing but a school bully who never grew up and is living in his mom's basement. He apparently closes blinds with his mind and just wants power, nothing else. That’s the best that you could come up with!? He wants complete control over everything and is proving to Reed that he is wrong, when in actuality, Reed is smarter than Victor!! Do we see Reed proving that anywhere to Victor? No!

I didn’t mind the couple of changes they made to this movie. I wasn’t bothered over the fact that Michael B. Jordan would be playing Johnny Storm, as the late Michael Clarke Duncan portrayed the Kingpin in the “Daredevil” movie, and he played a good job there. You would think that they would do it again, but it didn’t work this time around.

This movie is slow-paced to the point where they make it seem long, tedious and boring. Unlike the 2005 adaptation where they jumped straight into them getting their powers, here it takes them about 45 minutes before they get them. They don’t go into space, but instead make a dimension-jumping shuttle where they go to a different planet called Planet Zero, which I didn’t mind at all. Obviously the first test would be with monkeys, but after making that a success, Reed, Victor and Johnny get tanked, Reed invites Ben, and the boys decide to go to Planet Zero, when NASA said that they wanted to test it out with professionals!!! Do these guys ever think things through? When they get to Planet Zero, they realize they made a mistake and leave, but Victor gets trapped on there when Reed tries to save him, and the rest are not able to get back to the base on time. If that’s how they get their powers, how did Sue get them through the computer when she wasn’t even with them? Explanation!?

Now, I didn’t mind that they made them all around the age of 17 or 18 in this movie, but around that age, kids normally mature since they are all young adults and are nearing adulthood. They are not portrayed like that, but instead juvenile morons that come off as unlikable. If you want to make them younger, show them as likable, mature and smart young adults!!!

When they finally get their powers, do we get some action!? No, instead the officials want to run some tests as to what happened. We see Reed looking at what happened with Ben and saying that he will promise to get them out, but then he runs away!? ARE YOU SERIOUS!?!?!?!? HE IS SUPPOSED TO BE THE LEADER!?!?!?!? HOLY HECK, IS HE THE WORST LEADER OF ANY TEAM!!?!?!?!? Why? Because no leader would ever leave their team at a time like this for an entire year! I’m serious, an entire doggone year!!!

Moving on, when we see the tests run on Sue, Johnny and Ben to see what powers they have and control them, it’s fine, but that’s the only time we see it. Before going on, Johnny says the reason why he is working with them is because he was in the hospital after car racing with some friends and Dr. Storm said that he has to earn his car back by working with the team. That’s the only reason he says he is working at the lab and not showing any love to Sue at all when he should be happy that he gets the chance to work with his sister. What a selfish brat! 

Also, it's ridiculous how Dr. Storm keeps using the excuse to higher authorities, "They're just kids." If you're going to use that same excuse every time, WHY DID YOU HIRE THEM FOR THIS JOB!?!?!? You should have gone with someone more professional then them, even though Reed and Ben showed potential and this looked like a project that you have been working on that best fit their credentials, since your base has college kids working there.

Finally, we see Victor become Dr. Doom on Planet Zero, but he isn’t one of the best villains I have ever seen. Instead, he comes across as one of the lamest. Why? Because he doesn’t really do much! That’s the problem in this movie is that they made him too pathetic. He just comes across as one of those typical villains who just wants more power and wants to rebuild Planet Zero in his own image and the human race needs to be destroyed. Gee, where have I seen that before? Maybe in TOO MANY MOVIES TO COUNT!!! I like the fact that he can have telekinetic powers and can control the elements, but how much does he utilize it? Not much that I can say. Like when he walks down the lab's hallway and blows up people's mind just by walking past them. The last action sequence is actually decent, after a long time seeing them not use their powers since they ran tests and when they got Reed to come back. He blocks the teams’ attacks Darth Vader style, but Reed takes him out by simply punching him!? How could you have made one of the greatest villains in comic books a wimp by being taken out with a punch!? What were you people thinking!?

I can’t remember the last time I got so worked up and hateful of a comic book movie. It has been years, I can assure you that. Even movies that I once hated, like “X-Men: The Last Stand” or “Spiderman 3,” I became easy on after I saw it, which everyone can see if you have read my reviews on those movies. This one, I don’t think I will ever like. However, I bet everyone can tell that it has been a long time since I have seen garbage like this.

However, in the end, the actors are good, the acting is decent, and there isn’t anything in it that is atrocious. (Actually, the acting is bad, they are so dull, everyone is stoned-face, and the characters don't work off of each other at all. That is especially seen when there is only one confrontation between Johnny and Ben, when they had multiple.) Calling this a “Fantastic Four” adaptation is a giant slap in the face for fans of the comic series. This is supposed to be light-hearted and comedic, which the 2005 version and the 2007 sequel tried to be, and I gave it credit for at least trying. This one, they didn’t even try, instead darkened it. Hands down, this is the worst comic book movie this year, and I would highly suggest don’t go to the theaters to see it. If you want to check it out as a DVD or Blu-Ray rental, then do so and be happy that you didn’t waste money on it. Like how Jeremy Jahns said, this one is going to be easily forgettable. You will want to see the 2005 version and the 2007 sequel after watching this, I promise you that, because that's what they successfully pulled off in this movie.

Heads up: there is going to be a sequel in 2017. In this amount of time, you better fix the mistakes you made in this movie to make the sequel at least better and likable compared to this trash.

Oh boy, what a relief. Thankfully I have gotten that out of the way. Stay tuned next week to see what I finish the month off with. In the meantime, I'm going to jump in the shower and cool off because I feel dirty after seeing this adaptation.