The Punisher

Jonathan Hensleigh’s “The Punisher” was one of the enjoyable films of 2004. Chuck O’Leary mentioned in this review, “Based on the Marvel comic that was borne out of the mid-70s heyday of Bronson and violent revenge movies in general, this second big-screen version of The Punisher is not only an infinite improvement over the awful 1989 film adaptation starring Dolph Lundgren, but also one of the best films ever to be based on a comic book.”

O’Leary credited, “Unlike most modern-day movies with comic-book origins, co-writer and first-time director Hensleigh doesn't get carried away with CGI and incessant quick cutting, instead setting out to make a grittier, darker and tougher tale done in the more traditional and hard-edged style of action filmmakers like Sam Peckinpah, Don Siegel and Walter Hill.  Hensleigh definitely succeeds, and handles things with the sure hand of an old pro.”

The film was originally written to start with a prologue set in Kuwait City during Operation Desert Storm in 1991, but the scene was removed before filming began after told to be too expensive for a film with a $30 million budget, which is a very modest amount for an action film today. However, when an extended edition was made, Hensleigh went back with illustrators and stars Thomas Jane and Russell Andrews to create an animated version of the segment that sets up a subplot almost completely removed from the theatrical version.

When we first meet Frank Castle, played by Thomas Jane, he’s the heroic soldier of the Special Forces Unit during the ’91 Gulf War. After returning from the war, both Castle and his military friend, Jimmy Weeks, played by Russell Andrews, become FBI agents.

While working undercover as a South African arms dealer, Castle successfully fakes his own death during a sting operation so he can retire with his wife (Samantha Mathis) and his son (Marcus Johns). However, during that sting operations, the twin sons (James Carpinello) of a Tampa-area crime lord, Howard Saint (John Travolta), are killed. Along with his vengeful wife, played by Laura Harring, Saint immediately plans to find the man responsible for murdering his twins.

By misusing Weeks’ secret gambling addiction, Saint finds out Castle’s real identity as The Castle Family is vacationing in Puerto Rico. Soon Saint’s men crash the family reunion and kill almost everybody. O’Leary said, “The massacre wipes out Castle's entire family, and by entire I mean not just his wife, son, father (Roy Scheider) and mother, but aunts, uncles and cousins too.” However, Castle somehow survives even though he was shot three times and was blown out to sea, which shows no chance of surviving, but this is a comic book adaptation.

Castle then recovers over the course of several months with the help of a fisherman on a remote island, played by Veryl Jones. When he returns to where his family was massacred, he finds some guns and a T-Shirt with a skull on the front that his son gave him as a gift. The skull becomes the sign of Castle’s vigilante as he tracks those responsible for murdering his family and punish them.

O’Leary said, “That Castle seeks revenge is not surprising, but he goes about doing it in ways that are a lot more imaginative than usual in such a vengeance-is-mine movie.  This one also has a surprisingly sharp script with a lot of nice off-beat touches; one of my favorites involves a scene where a Johnny Cash-looking assassin named Harry Heck (real-life Country & Western singer Mark Collie) hired to eliminate Castle walks into a diner where Castle is eating and sings him a little ditty he wrote especially for the occasion.”

Another good part is the uncertain friendship that is made between Castle and three other outcasts living in the rundown building where Castle moves in to. Living down the hall is Joan (Rebecca Romijn), then there’s Dave (Ben Foster), who has so many facial piercings, and his obese sidekick, Bumpo (John Pinette). The friendship of these four outcasts is strangely liking and gives this intense revenge thriller some sudden heart.

Villains are always another important part to action films, and Travolta’s serious performance is way more effective than the way he played the villains in John Woo’s “Broken Arrow” and “Face/Off.” Will Patton plays Saint’s dangerous right-hand man and he steals every scene he’s in, again showing he’s skilled at evil understatement.

O’Leary credited, “The down-to-earth villainy of Travolta and Patton contrasts nicely with exaggerated characteristics of two secondary hit-men heavies, the aforementioned singing contract killer and a massive hulk called the Russian (pro wrestler Kevin Nash, formerly Diesel of the WWF), who has an over-the-top fight scene with Castle that plays like a great wrestling match.”

“The Punisher” is a grim, violent film about an anti-hero who doesn’t care whether he lives or dies because a large part of him was murdered. We the part where Frank Castle died spiritually. This is a well-planned, well-shot (cinematographer Conrad W. Hall), and intense film, and Hensleigh does a good job of balancing the serious action with dark humor, while still giving enough important character moments. O’Leary pointed out, “He also finds just the right exaggerated, yet not-too-exaggerated tone for the material.  And harking back to the likes of Death Wish and Dirty Harry, the film is refreshing in this age of cockamamie political correctness in the un-PC way it appeals to the righteousness of viewers who want to see innocence protected, evil defeated and the guilty to suffer.”

I didn’t get to see this movie in the theaters with my siblings, but my brother liked the ending of the film where Castle is on the cable-stayed bridge. I did hear my cousins praise this movie and it is good, which is why I don’t understand why critics thrashed it when it came out. Don’t listen to the critics, see the movie and judge for yourself.

There were talks of a sequel, which I would have loved, but instead we got the 2008 reboot, “Punisher: War Zone.”

You used to be able to depend on a bad film being poorly made, but not anymore. Roger Ebert credited in his review, ““The Punisher: War Zone” is one of the best-made bad movies I’ve seen. It looks great, it hurtles through its paces and is well-acted. The soundtrack is like elevator music if the elevator were in a death plunge. The special effects are state of the art.” The only problem is that it’s disgusting.

Ebert said, “There’s a big audience for disgusting, and I confidently predict the movie will “win the weekend,” if not very many hearts and minds.” Here you will see a man’s kidney ripped out and eaten, a chair leg pushed through a head by the eyeball, a roomful of men murdered by the Punisher revolving upside-down from a chandelier and firing machine-guns with both hands, and widow and her little girl threatened with chaos, heads decapitated, victims impaled and pierced, and the villain thrown into a machine that breaks glass bottles in the same way concrete is mixed.

Ebert admitted, “The glass-crushing machine caught my eye.” Billy (Dominic West) is thrown into it by the Punisher (Ray Stevenson) and revolves up to his neck in cutting edges while screaming a handful of four-letter words, which given the situation, are appropriate.

Ebert then said, “What confused me is that nearby in the same factory, there is a conveyor belt carrying large lumps of hamburger or something. I expected Billy to emerge as ground round, but then I thought, how much ground glass can you really add to ground round? It’s not often that you see meat processing and bottle crushing done in adjacent operations in the same factory. I was looking for the saltwater taffy mixer.”

Billy survives his situation and announces to his henchmen, “From now on, my name is Jigsaw.” This is after he has surgery, apparently only through minutes by the movie’s timeline, to fix his face with twine. Ebert described, “He now looks like the exhibit in the entrance lobby of the Texas Chainsaw Museum, and one eye looks painfully introspective.”

The movie is not heavy on plot. Ebert said, “By my Timex Indiglo, there was no meaningful exposition at all during the first 15 minutes, just men getting slaughtered.” Then things slow down enough to reveal that Frank Castle or the Punisher, who avenged the murder of his family in the previous film, has now killed FBI agent Nicky Donatelli (Romano Orzari), Angela’s (Julie Benz) husband and Grace’s (Stephanie Janusauskas) father, who will Never Be Able to Forgive Him for What He’s Done, which she shouldn’t, but she will.

The film was shot in Montreal, but is set in New York, which has a small population with only good and bad guys and not much of anybody else. Ebert admitted, “I’d get out, too. It’s the kind of violence the president should fly over in Air Force One and regard sadly through the window. It goes without saying that the bad guys are unable to shoot the Punisher with their machineguns. That’s consistent with the epidemic of malfunctioning machineguns in all recent super-violent films.” However, the Punisher kills a handful of henchmen with his machine guns, while spinning upside-down under the chandelier.

Ebert asked, “Now pause to think with me. Everyone around the table is heavily armed. More armed men bust in through the door. The revolving Punisher is suspended in the center of the room. Because of the logic of the laws of physical motion, most of the time, he is shooting away from any individual bad guy. How can they possibly miss hitting him? It’s so hard these days, getting good help.”

“Punisher: War Zone” is the third in the Punisher movies. It follows the 1989 “The Punisher” starring Dolph Lundgren (which I have never seen) and the 2004 film starring Jane and Travolta. Since those two films have the same title, it’s hard to tell them apart, but why would you want to? Ebert ended his review by saying, “My fellow critic Bill Stamets, settling down for the screening, shared with me that he watched the 2004 movie for his homework. I did my algebra.”

I don’t know if I can recommend this film, as I can’t recall if that left an impact on me that I could remember. I cannot remember exactly what happened, but maybe it was one of those forgettable films. However, since the Punisher came back with the Netflix series and the MCU, I think we should hopefully see the character again soon. Still, if you want to see these films, I can say watch the 2004 film, but I don’t know about “Punisher: War Zone.”

Thank you for joining in on “Wrestlers in Movies Month.” I hope everyone enjoyed and stay tuned next month to see what I have in store for everyone.

Mr. Nanny

The late Hulkster came back, now credited as Terry “Hulk” Hogan, in the 1993 film, “Mr. Nanny.”

Chris Hicks asked in his review, “Remember when Lou Gossett became Louis Gosset Jr. for "Roots" — and then all his credits thereafter. Could it be that Hogan is so proud of "Mr. Nanny" that he's decided to use his real first name from now on?”

This isn’t “Roots.”

“Mr. Nanny” is a stupid children’s film that copies the formula better done in “Mr. Mom,” “Home Alone,” and any other of the countless copies.

Even though Hogan made a surprisingly interesting role in “Suburban Commando,” here he is stiff, distant, and less charming as a retired wrestler who unwillingly becomes a bodyguard to a strange inventor (Max from “The Muppet Movie,” Austin Pendleton), only to realize that he’s really been hired to babysit his pestering children (Robert Gorman from “The Leprechaun” and Madeline Zima).

Hicks mentioned, “But before we blame Hogan too much, let's acknowledge that "Mr. Nanny" is an arch and unfunny film, amateurishly written and directed by Michael Gottlieb ("Mannequin"). Even the veterans here look uncomfortable.”

The story has Hogan becoming a bodyguard as a favor to his former manager, played by George Jefferson from “All in the Family” and “The Jeffersons,” the late Sherman Hemsley. The job is to protect Pendleton, who has a microchip that works on an anti-missile, called “The Peacemaker.”

The villain, played by David Johansen, who has a metal plate on his head – thanks to a fight with Hogan and Hemsley long before – is after the chip, and, you guessed it, he’s not above kidnapping Pendleton’s children to get it.

Now Hogan becomes the kids’ “nanny,” and is the victim of the pranks have made the other nannies quit, including a bowling ball that falls out of a closet and lands on his head, trip wires that send him trampling down a flight of stairs and get electrocuted when he steps out of a shower.

One device, an exploding wallet, is thought as so good by Gottlieb that he uses it three times.

For his part, Hogan is all for the pratfalls, walking into doors – and even wearing a tutu and curlers in his hair.

Hicks said, “But the film is predictable sludge, lacking energy and laughs, and the "comic" mayhem isn't particularly recommendable for the kiddies.”

Jo Anne Hart, who you might know better as Mother Love, the original host of the daytime syndicated talk show, “Forgive or Forget,” is in here as the maid.

The jokes in here don’t work and this is just another bad film of a bodybuilder who has to look after bratty children. This is a terrible film. I’m not kidding, it’s that bad. I made the mistake of watching this after I saw Nostalgia Critic’s review of it, and I regret that decision. I have no idea why I would watch this bad movie, especially seeing how bad it looked through the review. This is not a film I would want anyone to watch because they would not find this funny at all. Why would the children be setting up traps around the house for Hogan? Did they think it was funny? Were they trying to make him leave because they thought they could defend themselves? They are children, they are not old enough to defend themselves. Just look at the part where the boy has to face the bullies at school. Just because “Home Alone” was popular, there Culkin is defending himself against burglars. Here, Hogan is there to defend them, there is no reason for them to set up traps. These are sick children because they are trying to be murderers, I think. These kids should be locked up and have they key thrown away.

What was Hogan thinking? Wait a minute…I don’t think he was thinking. For a professional wrestler turned host of “American Gladiators,” this was a bad film for him to star in. Just because he thought the last film he did might have been bad doesn’t mean that it would make the next film good. Just look closely at the script before making a decision. That goes for anyone who has made bad films. I know I shouldn’t say this, seeing how Hogan passed not too long ago, but he did leave behind some films that he shamefully starred in, so what can we do? Just don’t watch this.

Next week, I will be finishing “Wrestlers in Movies Month” with an actually good comic book adaptation that I don’t really hear anyone talk about.

Suburban Commando

You know what’s strange about trailers to movies that are coming out? They may or may not be a correct look of the movies they advertise – but they’re almost always the right guide to what the movie the makers wanted to make. For example, look at “Suburban Commando,” released in 1991, where the trailers looks like a crazy comic thriller through sci-fi and the suburbs, and in the movie, it looks more like a trail.

Roger Ebert stated in his review, “This is the second feature starring Hulk Hogan, the man who looks like a comic strip hero. Hogan’s range is limited, but not as limited as the movies he’s appeared in. Despite the fact that his public image is often aimed at children – there’s a whole line of Hulk Hogan toys – his first film, “No Holds Barred” (1989) was surprisingly violent, sexist and blood-soaked.” Now we have “Suburban Commando,” which is harmless, but it gives Hogan so little to do that his fans may think why he agreed to do this film.

The movie starts off in space, where Hogan plays Shep Ramsey, an intergalactic bounty hunter. (Ebert asked, “Ever wonder, by the way, how much of a bounty they’d have to pay to finance an intergalactic hunt?”) After a fight with his nemesis Suitor, played by William Bell, Ramsey damages his ship and lands on Earth, where he quickly lives with the rather eccentric Wilcox family.

Charlie Wilcox (Christopher Lloyd) and his wife Jenny (the late Shelley Duvall) don’t think that Ramsey is actually from space. Ebert asks, “I mean, why should they? If Hulk Hogan turned up at your door, where would you think he looked like he was from, aside from the funny pages?” However, Charlie is some kind of an inventor (anyone else thought of “Back to the Future?”), and after he looks into Ramsey’s ship there is a lot of nonsense with humans getting stuck in the middle of a fight between beings from other planets.

Ebert ended his review by saying, “Somebody was asking the other day, do I ever get tired of going to the movies? Naw, I said, I love movies and so some days it’s not really a job, it’s more of a lucky break. But I wasn’t feeling lucky the day I saw “Suburban Commando,” and you know what? By golly, by the time it was over, I was feeling kind of tired of going to the movies.”

Michael Faustino and Laura Mooney play the Wilcox children, Larry Miller plays Charlie’s boss, and Mark Calaway aka The Undertaker makes his feature film debut in this film. This film was originally meant for Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny DeVito with the title “Urban Commando,” but when they both decided to star in “Twins,” New Line Cinema bought the script as the follow-up to “No Holds Barred,” which I have never seen.

I saw this movie sometime after I saw the Nostalgia Critic’s review of the movie, which I shouldn’t have done, but I do agree with what he said about the film. This is mostly a stupid movie, but at least there was a laugh here and there, but not like a bust out laughing moment. However, the funniest part of the movie is when Ramsey and Charlie have an argument, and Charlie says one of the funniest out-of-context lines, “I WAS FROZEN TODAY!” I think I should use that line next time when I’m in the middle of an argument to see what the reaction will be. Still, you shouldn’t see this movie because it is just stupid and you will beat yourself up for putting this on. Just avoid it.

One more flaw I have to point out, which I think everyone has pointed out when watching this film, is when Ramsey walks into an arcade and sees a kid playing a game, the kid is constantly saying that he is fighting a space villain by the name of Dragos. However, the game he was playing was a 1987 jet combat game released by Sega, After Burner, which had nothing to do with aliens, phasers, photon torpedoes, or anything science fiction related. I have never played or heard of the game until Nostalgia Critic pointed it out in his review, but when you watch that scene, you will know that it is clearly a jet combat game and not a game about space aliens.

Next week, I will be looking another terrible Hogan movie in “Wrestlers in Movies Month.”

The Running Man

I have an exciting month planned ahead, as I will be looking at a few films that star professional wrestlers in them. The question we all think is whether wrestlers should go on to star in movies? Especially since certain wrestlers who have become actors that I have not been a fan of. However, when you think about it, wrestlers are already acting when they come out and do all the trash talk with one another and know how to perform their stunts when they come to the ring. Since I have reviewed certain movies that had wrestlers in them, I picked out others that I didn’t review and thought of reviewing this month. Let’s get started with the 1987 enjoyably fun movie, “The Running Man.”

Roger Ebert started his review by saying, ““The Running Man” is an arcade game for the big screen, a contest in which the player is Arnold Schwarzenegger and the game keeps throwing big bruisers at him. To cast this movie, they called up the reserves of Hollywood heavies. There are villains named Fireball, Captain Freedom, Dynamo, Buzzsaw and Subzero, all thrown at Arnold like new chapters in a superhero comic book, and with true comic justice, each villain dies by his own weapon.”

The cast is consisted of so many action heroes and pro wrestlers: Jim Brown, Jesse Ventura, Erland Van Lidth, and Professor Toru Tanaka. One after another, they go fighting and are killed. Ebert said, “This formula would quickly get old if it were not for some sort of gimmick to hold it together, and the movie has just that gimmick in the form of a deadly futuristic TV show named “The Running Man,” which is hosted by the veteran TV game show emcee Richard Dawson.” The first and late host of “Family Feud” plays himself, he finally found the role he was meant to play.

This takes place in the 21^st century where the country is a one-party society. Ebert mentioned, “Schwarzenegger is a cop who flies his own helicopter gunship and is ordered to fire on citizens who are rioting for food. Refusing to fire on innocent civilians, he is knocked unconscious, jailed, accused of false charges and assigned to a penal colony. Meanwhile, life goes in in the society, which is numbed by a steady diet of fabricated news.” One day Arnold and some friends escape from the penal colony, and the footage of their escape is seen by Dawson, TV’s top host.

The ratings for his show are supposedly very high (it is shown on screens the size of billboards to the countless that are poor to live indoors). Ebert said, “But Dawson wants them higher still, and as he sees Schwarzenegger doing a broken-field run past some inept guards, he decides that Schwarzenegger is the ideal guest for the program, which consists of criminals who are given a chance of freedom if they can defeat the heavily armed killers who are guest stars on the show.”

This is the set up for the last hour of the movie. However, there is still the girl, which all movies like this needs, who mainly is to be pulled helplessly behind the protagonist as he tries to escape. By casting Maria Conchita Alonso in the role, the filmmakers got more than they asked. Ebert noted, “she remains one of Hollywood’s undaunted high spirits, a nice comic counterfoil for Schwarzenegger.”

The movie’s problem is that every action scene are versions of the same situation. TV host Dawson introduces a killer and his signature weapons (electrical shock, fire, chain saws, etc.) and Schwarzenegger fights them all. Ebert said, “The one element in the movie that is not standard and that does have some energy is the TV show itself, with Dawson’s performance as the egotistical, sleaze-bag host.”

Ebert continued, “Playing a character who always seems three-quarters drunk, Dawson chain-smokes his way through backstage planning sessions and then pops up in front of the cameras as a cauldron of false jollity.” Working the audience, soaking in the laughs and the tears, he is not so much different than most real game show hosts – and that’s the movie’s secret joke.

If you haven’t seen this movie, and you’re a Schwarzenegger fan, this is a must for you. You will love the one-liners, comedy, and action scenes that all Schwarzenegger movies are known for. See it currently on Paramount+ or Pluto TV because I think everyone will enjoy this one a lot. This is like watching an actual game show that was made into a movie and that’s what is so enjoyable about it.

Next week, I will be looking at a movie that is mostly stupid but does have some laughs here and there in “Wrestlers in Movies Month.”