Red Sonja

In “Red Sonja,” released in 1985, certain things seem to be done better than the wrongfully bashed “Conan the Destroyer.” Even though this has a lower budget, the production values are done better, thanks to a handful of familiar Italians. (“Red Sonja” was shot completely in Italy.) Even though it looks nice, Federico Fellini’s usual cinematographer (Giuseppe Rotunno) and art director (Danilo Donati) were working on this film. With some exceptions (Carlo Cavagna said in his review, “in particular a set ripped off from The Police's "Wrapped Around Your Finger" video”), they estimated the epic quality of the original “Conan the Barbarian.” Composer Ennio Morricone continues the tradition of great scoring done in the first two Howard adaptations. Sadly, the score is the most exciting part in the movie, and the opening credits are the most watchable part. After five minutes, you’ve seen the entirety of “Red Sonja” that’s worth seeing. The remainder of the movie is about Sonja’s journey for revenge against Queen Gedren, who murdered Sonja’s family and let her soldiers to rape her.

It would take too long to say everything that hurts “Red Sonja,” but three things particularly are noticeable. First, and most shocking, is Swedish model Brigitte Nielsen in her American film debut, with her fifteen minutes of fame still ahead of her. She make co-star Arnold Schwarzenegger look worthy of an Oscar. Cavagna said, “Nielsen rarely changes expression, and the few times she does, she is funnier than any of the intentional comedy (more on that in a moment). Her action sequences are similarly stiff. Nielsen does look good, however–I'll give her that–particularly because Red Sonja predates her eccentrically large breast implants. Although a bit under-aerobicized by today's exigent standards for female action heroines, she is impressively lithe and statuesque.”

Second is Ernie Reyes Jr., as aggravating ten-year-old Prince Tarn. He and his loyal servant Falkon, played by Paul L. Smith, are the comic relief, but there’s no relief from the comic relief. Cavagna noted, “Imagine an extremely petulant, spoiled version of Indiana Jones' sidekick Short Round in Temple of Doom, and you get the idea. In fact, that's probably where the writers got the idea themselves. Heaven forbid they should think up anything original.”

Third is the choice for returning director Richard Fleischer, who also did “Conan the Destroyer.” Cavagna said, “He wastes the efforts of the Italian contingent by turning in an even more lackadaisical directorial effort. There's even a boom mike visible in one scene. Fleischer could have directed this movie from his living room via speaker phone and achieved the same result.” Obviously, Fleischer should have been tougher with Nielsen! Make her work on her acting a little – if you do enough takes, she’s going to say her lines halfway decent sometime, even if unintentionally. Cavagna said, “A novice director could have elicited an equally evocative performance from a tree stump.”

What is Arnold doing in this movie? He was under a contract to star in a third Conan movie, but once his movie career launched, he was reluctant for that. Executive producer Dino de Laurentiis generously allowed Arnold to work off his contract by starring in a supporting role as Kalidor in “Red Sonja.” Sadly, Arnold is not made to play a polite lover – he really should have reprised his role as Conan. Cavagna said, “It's impossible to discuss the chemistry between him and Nielsen because there isn't any, and their interactions are written so clumsily that the dialogue is reminiscent of a particularly bad episode of Hercules or Xena.” Hoping maybe to redo the success of “Conan the Barbarian,” the producers decided to not only redo the story, but also the heroine, Sandahl Bergman, who plays evil Queen Gedren, who does a decent job with the role.

To the point that it is set in Howard’s Hyborian Age, “Red Sonja” is loosely based on Howard’s works, but Howard never wrote about a character named Sonja. However, Sonja is a spinoff character created by David C. Smith and Richard L. Tierney, who wrote six Red Sonja novels “based on Howard’s Hyborian Age” for Ace Books in the early 1980s, by the time Conan had degraded into a brand name under everything of sad nonsense was made. Cavagna said, “Perhaps Sonja was intended as a feminist counterbalance to Howard's sexism, but with the camera leering at its scantily-clad heroine and the evil lesbians, Red Sonja is not much of a feminist manifesto.” Sonja says that she does not need a man, but obviously she does need Kalidor in the end.

Difficult to find anywhere today, “Red Sonja” was quickly forgotten immediately after it came out. In this series there is no worse for it, but it’s no surprise to say this, because “Red Sonja” could easily have been better than “Conan the Destroyer.” Instead, the de Laurentiis family and Richard Fleischer directed another failure.

In all honesty, I think the only reason to see this movie is to see Brigitte Nielsen in her film debut. She looked really hot in this movie. Terry Richards, Ronald Lacey and Pat Roach, who all appeared in the Indiana Jones franchise, all are in this movie. However, like I said, Brigitte Nielsen is the only reason to see this. Otherwise, it’s nothing but a bad movie. Reportedly, Schwarzenegger admitted to torturing people by repeatedly showing them “Red Sonja.” I don’t think this is the worst film he’s done, but it is definitely a waste of time that gives nothing new and is just poorly done.

However, like I mentioned before, Schwarzenegger was under a contract to star in a third Conan movie. Unfortunately, the third Conan movie fell in development for many years, but eventually got made. Sadly, it’s not a Conan movie, but a completely different movie. If you want to know how that turned out, look out next Friday for the next installment of “Conan Month.”