Kindergarten Cop

“Kindergarten Cop,” released in 1990, is made up out of parts that shouldn’t fit, but somehow, they do, making a shiny entertainment out of the unlikely, the impossible, and Arnold Schwarzenegger. He plays a cop who finds himself teaching kindergarten, as part of an undercover mission to locate a little boy and his mother. There is no way that Schwarzenegger can believably teach class, but that doesn’t stop him from finding warm-hearted possibilities in the role – and it doesn’t get in the way of several large laughs, either.

The movie starts with Schwarzenegger and his partner (Pamela Reed) tracking down one of the evilest drug dealer and mama’s boy (Richard Tyson). Tyson and his mother, played by Carroll Baker, are desperate to find the location of his ex-wife and their son. Just like Schwarzenegger, because he wants to find this criminal, and also because he believes that the ex-wife may have $3 million of Tyson’s drug money.

Roger Ebert described in his review, “The trail leads to a storybook town in the Pacific Northwest, where Schwarzenegger and Reed believe the little boy is attending kindergarten.” Reed used to be a schoolteacher, and so they convince the local school authorities to let her teach the kindergarten class – hoping to pick up clues even though the little boy and his mother have changed their names. Then Reed gets food poisoning, and it’s now Schwarzenegger to teach the screaming groups of 5-year-olds.

“Kindergarten Cop” was directed by Ivan Reitman, whose best work, like “Ghostbusters,” shows a way to combine the strange with the dramatic, so we’re laughing as the suspense reaches the max.

That happens this time. The parts with Schwarzenegger and the kindergarten students are the best parts in the movie, not only because the kids say the darndest things, but also because Schwarzenegger’s strength is gentle comedy, often with himself as the joke.

Ebert noted, “Contrasting with the classroom stuff is a low-key little romance involving Schwarzenegger and one of the other teachers (Penelope Ann Miller), and a parallel story involving the vicious drug dealer and his mom, and a journey to the small town for the obligatory, but quite effective, violent climax. Reitman juggles the light stuff, the heartwarming scenes, the comedy and the violence with endless invention, so that the movie doesn't seem to be shifting gears even when it is.”

Movies like this are often no stronger than their villains, and Tyson and Baker make a scary and believability team. He’s a spoiled-rotten mama’s boy who has never grown up, and whose love for his son is pretty much narcissistic. She is a jerk. Ebert admitted, “The other key performances are also effective, and it was interesting to observe, while seeing the movie in a large audience, what genuine affection the public has for Schwarzenegger.” He has a way of turning situations to his advantage, and creates an entertaining relationship with the students in the movie.

Please be advised: This is not a film appropriate for smaller children. Despite the title and the ad campaign, which make it look like a nice and fun film, it has images that will scare grade-schoolers, like a man setting the school on fire, small children kidnapped and tortured, a father slapping his child, etc. In context and for mature viewers, the scenes have a reason and the movie works. However, it’ll be frightening for smaller children who see it.

Fun fact: the “Who’s your daddy and what does he do” game was all the students telling what their father’s actually do. Reitman instructed them to tell the truth and you wouldn’t believe that when you see it. However, for much older people, this movie is a comedy that you should see. Just to see Schwarzenegger play a role that you don’t see man do in real life is funny. Check it out and see some lines that you will remember after seeing it.

Now this comes as a complete shock, but in 2016, they came out with a direct-to-video sequel, “Kindergarten Cop 2.”

After getting a huge box office success with “Twins,” star Arnold Schwarzenegger went into comedy again with Reitman in “Kindergarten Cop.” Brian Orndorf said in his review, “This time, the pairing pants Schwarzenegger’s action persona, challenging established brawn with the unpredictable energy and honesty of children, finding a unique way to celebrate the actor’s strengths by taking him out of his comfort zone in a broadly comic manner.” It took 26 years for Universal to make a sequel, but they’ve gone the direct-to-video way, replacing Schwarzenegger with Dolph Lundgren, trying to find the same comedy tone with another bodybuilder teaching a classroom of 5-year-olds.

Agent Reed (Dolph Lundgren) is a top agent in the FBI, working difficult cases as he tries to track a criminal named Zogu (Aleks Paunovic), often getting close to those entering the witness protection program. With his partner Sanders, played by comedian Bill Bellamy, Reed finally finds a chance to catch Zogu when he learns that a special flash drive with sensitive FBI information has been hidden by a kindergarten teacher, requiring undercover work to find the evidence. Disguising as a teacher, Reed goes into Hunts Bay Academy ready to take control of his kindergarten class. Orndorf notes, “Instead of establishing authority, Reed is rendered powerless by the kids, unable to find what he’s looking for as the job demands intense concentration, forced to turn to fellow teacher Olivia (Darla Taylor) for help corralling his students, tending to their specific dietary and educational needs.”

Orndorf continues, “A long time has passed since the original film’s release, and to the effort’s credit, “Kindergarten Cop 2” embraces the hyper-sensitivity to everything that’s permeated the educational system in the interim. It’s not a good film, but it’s a sharp film on occasion, especially when it spotlights Reed’s attempt to manage the individual needs of the kids, finding a unique challenge at lunchtime, struggling to prepare tofu without using plastic in a microwave oven, while his bite into a peanut butter and jelly sandwich is akin to pulling the pin on a grenade, causing mass panic in a peanut-free zone. Reed is also behind the times on language sensitivity, lambasted for asking the kids to sit “Indian-style” on the floor, also shocked to discover that “retard” is no longer accepted as a term for slow students. These are small pieces of the “Kindergarten Cop 2” puzzle, but they’re the most inventive, satirizing the modern day educational system while using Lundgren as a blunt object of confusion, unprepared to deal with the needs of his students with a job he naturally assumed would involve simple monitoring and crowd control.”

The rest of “Kindergarten Cop 2” isn’t as playful, pretty much repeating parts from the first movie, making it a remake instead of a sequel. Orndorf said, “The set up is banal, delivering a broad Eastern European villain in Zogu and an unfunny partner in Sanders, who demands to join the assignment, helping Reed with surveillance and intelligence needs once the teaching job proves to be more complicated than originally imagined. Director Don Michael Paul (a DTV specialist, with credits such as “Jarhead 2,” “Tremors 5,” and the upcoming “Death Race 4”) doesn’t have Reitman’s instinct for comedy, often using the children as blunt instruments, keeping them in nose-picking, screaming mode instead of playing their innocence against Reed’s professional severity. And I don’t think Paul has ever seen the inside of a kindergarten classroom before, imagining Reed’s educational space as a cavernous playground that resembles the entrance of a well-funded community library.”

A few supporting turns work, finding Sarah Strange making laughs as Principal Sinclair, a woman obviously attracted to Reed, unwillingly scolding him when he makes a mistake, but the main focus stays on Lundgren. Orndorf notes, “The action star doesn’t play absurdity comfortably, trying to project a loosey-goosey vibe to match the effort’s sense of humor, but this isn’t a reprise of Schwarzenegger-ian contrast. Lundgren doesn’t have the chops to sell silliness, making moments with the children oddly flat.” However, “Kindergarten Cop 2” does show a scene where Reed visits a country bar, line dancing with Olivia to develop a romantic interest in his colleague. For Lundgren fans, that’s an unexpected scene.

Orndorf said, ““Kindergarten Cop” was criticized for its surprising violence, and “Kindergarten Cop 2” follows the same formula, bookending the story with extended shoot-outs that find Reed in his element, mowing down baddies, which somehow involves the presence of a name brand candy bar to satisfy product placement needs.” It’s hardly shocking, but still strange, especially when the rest of the film details relatively gentle tricks from little kids. The world didn’t need a Schwarzenegger-less “Kindergarten Cop 2,” but what’s most disappointing about the remake is how little it tries to define its own type of silliness, fine to redo instead of making a new direction of action icon confusion for a new generation.

As you might have guessed, the sequel is not one to see. You will not like it at all. Just avoid it at all cost. There is nothing good in it.

Next week, I will talk about another Schwarzenegger movie in “Buddy Cop Month.”