The Evil Dead (2013)

For some 30 years now, small groups of movie teenagers have made the journey to countless cabins in countless woods. The return part of such journeys is one surviving, bleeding, traumatized, hospitalized teenager for every 10 dead friends left behind. Also the part of entertaining, original movies about attractive young people and the scary monsters that follow them is about the same. For every smart remake or newly abnormal spin, there are countless stab fests with nothing original to say.

Thus we come to the 2013 remake of “Evil Dead.”

This isn’t a severe remake of Sam Raimi’s incredibly powerful 1981 horror classic, but it does include the basic structure and some visual nods to the original. On its own, it’s an absolute, aggressive torture chamber partying in the bloody, flinch-reminding deaths of some of the stupidest people ever to spend a rainy night in a remote cabin in the woods.

Shiloh Fernandez is the boring and mindless David, who returns to the family’s old cabin along with his new girlfriend, Natalie (Elizabeth Blackmore); his former childhood friends Eric (Lou Taylor Pucci) and Olivia (Jessica Lucas), and his little sister, Mia (Jane Levy). Richard Roeper noted, “Even before we learn Mia's trying to kick smack, we know this kid has problems because she's got a bit of a goth look going, she believes in the spirit world, and she likes to sketch.”

Like most cabins in the woods, this cabin in the woods seems to be so far away from any other cabins or any signs of life. Wow, the family must have an enjoyable time there, especially with Mom fighting insanity, and Dad – well, we never hear about Dad.

Roeper mentioned, “Within a few hours, the dog finds a blood-covered trap door leading to a basement filled with strung-up cat carcasses and a book of evil curses.” Soon after that, Mia starts having visions and speaking in an evil voice. Yet these idiots don’t move. (Roeper mentioned, “When they finally do try to leave, there's a conveniently biblical-style rainstorm flooding the exit road.”)

Roeper was funny when he mentioned, “Olivia's a registered nurse, but she doesn't seem smart enough to know how to register for Google Plus. Eric, who for some reason is groomed and dressed as if he'd just come back from a Kurt Cobain look-alike contest, opens a book that says "leave this book alone" and starts reciting a chant that should never be recited.” I wonder whose smart idea it was to invite Eric on this trip.

Enter the banshee from another universe, who’s possessing Mia and plan on killing everyone in sight in the most disgusting, extended manner possible. Roeper said, “Cue the ominous score, the cheap scares and the increasingly moronic behavior by David and his dunderheaded friends.” The jab factor goes all the way up to 11, with admittedly remarkable makeup and special effects. Over the course of a rainy night that seems like it will continue, we’re given multiple scenes of cartridge throwing up, handfuls of nail-gun shots piercing flesh and bone, black ooze and blood everywhere, tearing apart and stabbings…All shown in agonizing detail.

Save for a few mysteriously funny one-liners, there’s almost no wrong humor here, and there’s certainly nothing original about the plot. The actors do a pretty fair job of expressing terror, but the characters they’re playing are such one-dimensional morons, you begin cheering on the evil banshee from another universe to take them out.

Roeper ended his review by saying, “I love horror films that truly shock, scare and provoke. But after 30 years of this stuff, I'm bored to death and sick to death of movies that seem to have one goal: How can we gross out the audience by torturing nearly every major character in the movie?”

Overall, this remake you don’t want to see, especially if you like the original. This will probably upset you, since horror remakes are horrendous. I don’t think I have seen a horror remake that has been in anyway good, and this is no exception.

Well, that ends my reviews on the “Evil Dead Series.” Stay tuned tomorrow when I look at a very lovable film that is a classic for all ages.