King Kong Lives

I must get this sequel out of the way because of how horrendous it is. This is the sequel to the 1976 “King Kong” remake, “King Kong Lives,” released in 1986. Nobody gets thrilled in the movies anymore. They have seen it all.

King Kong, played by Peter Elliott, is a gorilla that has got to be at least 50 feet tall, and everyone takes him for granted. For instance, four hunters (John Aston, Jonathan Canfield, Jack and Joe Wheeler, and David Hartzell) chase him into the woods and set off some dynamite to trap him under tons of rocks, and then tease him with burning logs. If these hunters were sensitive and thoughtful like the people in the National Rifle Association ads, they wouldn’t tease Kong. They would regard him with a sense of quite awe and respect, after setting off the dynamite.

Or take the head of the research institute, played by Peter Michael Goetz. He’s in charge of a project to transplant an artificial heart into Kong. When he’s told that the operation is impossible because of Kong’s low blood plasma level, he goes ballistic: “That heart cost $17 million!” Roger Ebert commented, “In real life, he would have cackled, "...and now we're going to need another huge injection of government research funds to study gorilla blood!"” The problem with everyone in this movie is that they’re in a boring movie, and they know they’re in a boring movie, and they just can’t beat themselves to make an effort. Ebert mentioned, “Even the lowliest extras in a 1950s' B picture would have been able to scream better and roll their eyes more than the actors in this film.” They act like they’ve used Kong’s tranquilizer gun for target practice on themselves.

The movie’s big news: Kong did not die after being machine-gunned and falling from the top of the World Trade Center. (Ebert said, “I guessed that from the last picture, in which Kong looked remarkably intact after arriving at street level.”) The injured Kong was taken to a university research center outside Atlanta, where he has been in a coma for a decade, awaiting an artificial heart.

Anyway, wouldn’t you know that just when things look horrific for Kong, a big-game hunter (Brian Kerwin) finds a female Kong (George Yiasoumi) in the jungles of Borneo, and brings her to the research headquarters for a transfusion that will make it possible to implant Kong’s artificial heart?

After the operation, romance starts between the two apes, who break their restraints and escape into the woods, where the Army attempts to shoot them down, while the female heart specialist, played by Linda Hamilton, and the big game hunter (who have shared sleeping bags while out) use computers to monitor the giant ape’s condition.

Every movie like this at least has one amazing line of dialogue. Ebert commented, “I especially liked it when the heroine cried to the Army troops: "Don't shoot the female! She's gone into labor!"” This moment was especially amazing since the two Kongs had mated for the first time three days prior to them tracking the apes down. Ebert commented, “With a turnaround time like that, it's remarkable that there isn't a little Kong in every one of the holiday movies.”

Like I had mentioned yesterday, if you get the chance to pass this one up, do so. I seriously think everyone should avoid this movie because of how bad it is. This is a giant insult for King Kong and I don’t think that anyone who likes Kong should watch this and be enraged at how boring and ridiculous they made this movie.

That entire rant aside, there is still one more King Kong movie that I have to cover. Stay tuned tomorrow in the finale of “Kong-a-thon” to find out if it’s good or bad.