Jingle All The Way

So I didn’t have time to watch the fifth Home Alone at all today because things were pretty busy here at home. Instead, I think I will review a Christmas special that you should all avoid at all costs. I am talking about none other than the 1996 disappointment, “Jingle All the Way.” Roger Ebert thought that this film was inspired by the panic a few years prior to this film’s release when stores had run out of their stock of Cabbage Patch dolls. Who knows? Maybe some guy thought that this film would be loveable, but it’s not close.

The movie begins with Jamie Langston, played by Jake Lloyd, who is watching his favorite show, TurboMan, on TV and asks for a TurboMan action figure with all its accessories for Christmas. Jamie’s dad, Howard, played by Arnold Schwarzenegger, is a busy businessman who doesn’t keep his promises to his son. This time, he promises that he will buy Jamie the action figure, but it turns out that he didn’t get it in time for Christmas. This leads to what the movie thought would be a hilarious chase through the town to see if anyone has the TurboMan action figure. In case you are wondering, yes, this is the film’s plot. Enjoying it so far? I’m not sure that you are.

Whatever happened to the good old Christmas specials that were about Santa Clause and peace on Earth that you could watch with the family every year around this time? It seems that Christmas, which Ebert says it “struggles to widen its lead in the holiday-shopping sweepstakes, products and not sentiments are what turn kids on.” Jamie wants the toy, and his mother, Liz, played by Rita Wilson, is mad at Howard for always being a workaholic to put his family first. For that, Howard has to go out to fight the other fathers in Minneapolis who are also looking for the TurboMan toy. This is turning into one of those Black Friday shopping mayhems that happened this year, or when parents fought over the Tickle-Me-Elmo toy, or people fighting over concert tickets of their favorite bands or artist.

At the first store Howard goes to, he meets the psychotic postal worker Myron, played by the comedian who had his own sitcom back in the 90s, Sinbad. Myron goes completely nuts when he goes off on the evil people that are making us battle one another over our goods and services. He explains to Howard, “I know what I'm talking about because I went to junior college for a semester and studied psychology. I'm out there.” These two will meet constantly throughout the day, and the movie never clearly tells us if they are friends, enemies or a figure of fun, so they changed in all of these roles, making your head spin into thinking what they are.

Howard’s biggest challenge comes during the part where he is in the mall and they are raffling the last TurboMan toy at a double retail price. Ebert comments, “Somehow I imagine that last detail was looped in later, and not shouted out inside the mall itself.” A child gets the last numbered ball and Howard chases the kid through the mall on one of those jungle gyms you would see at those funhouses. This leads to the mothers beating Howard with their purses while he is telling them, “I’m not a pervert! I just was looking for a TurboMan doll!” This painfully brings the great James Belushi in the film as a Mall Santa. I don’t think I will tell anymore of the plot. Some of it involves Howard’s next-door neighbor Ted, played by the late Phil Hartman (who you might remember as doing voice work in the great “Simpsons” cartoon, like Lionel Hutz, Fat Tony and Troy McClure among others), who has his eye on Liz, and is one of those guys that enjoys Christmas a little too much. So much so that he rents a reindeer (I am not joking) to put up the Christmas lights in the house. Arnold will punch that reindeer but will make up with it by giving it a beer. Talk about a moment that people will make fun of Arnold for doing.

Now the climax to the movie uses a lot of special effects and flying through the sky and kids in trouble and close calls, all of them well done, especially the flying around, and with a nice touch of humor. The climax has two inevitable kid movie cliches: a kick to the groin by Jamie and Howard saying, “Yesssssss!” Ebert said, “I liked a lot of the movie, which is genial and has a lot of energy, but I was sort of depressed by its relentlessly materialistic view of Christmas, and by the choice to go with action and (mild) violence over dialogue and plot.” He has a point since this film is placed on Christmas day, but doesn’t really have a nice Christmastime charm to it like the other specials I talked about. I’m pretty sure there is an audience out there for this film that will enjoy it, but I didn’t enjoy it fully. This is one of those Arnold movies that I thought was stupid, but not one of his worst. In the end, I would probably give this a 5.

Alright, now I will try and watch the fifth “Home Alone” movie tomorrow so that I can blog about it and get it over with. Stay tuned because my 25 days of Christmas reviews is still going on.