Ebert continued, “But let me catch my breath. This movie is awful in so many different ways. Even the opening titles are cheesy. Sci-fi epics usually begin with a stab at impressive titles, but this one just displays green letters on the screen in a type font that came with my Macintosh. Then the movie's subtitle unscrolls from left to right in the kind of "effect" you see in home movies.”
It is the year 3000. The race of Psychols have taken over the earth. Ebert noted, “Humans survive in scattered bands, living like actors auditioning for the sequel to "Quest for Fire."” Soon they leave the woods and stroll through the ruins of theme parks and the city of Denver. The ruins have been looking good for 1,000 years. (Library books are dusty but readable, and a flight simulator still works, despite where it gets the electricity is the question.) The protagonist, named Jonnie Goodboy Tyler, is played by Barry Pepper as a smart human who gets smarter, thanks to a Psychlo gadget that shoots his eyeballs with knowledge. He learns Euclidean geometry and how to fly a jet and proves to be a quick learner for a caveman. The villains are two Psychlos named Terl (John Travolta) and Ker (Forest Whitaker). Terl is head of security for the Psychlos and has a secret plan to use the humans as slaves to dig gold for him. He can’t be complained to his superiors because (and this is no joke) he can blackmail his enemies with secret recordings that, in the time of his death, “would go straight to the home office!” Ebert noted, “Letterman fans laugh at that line; did the filmmakers know it was funny?” Jonnie Goodboy figures out a way to avoid slave labor in the gold mines. He and his army just go to Fort Knox, break in and steal gold. That’s where it has been waiting for 1,000 years. What Terl says when his slaves hand him melted gold is beyond explanation. Ebert said, “For stunning displays of stupidity, Terl takes the cake; as chief of security for the conquering aliens, he doesn't even know what humans eat, and devises an experiment: "Let it think it has escaped! We can sit back and watch it choose its food." Bad luck for the starving humans that they capture a rat. An experiment like that, you pray for a chicken.”
Casting Travolta and Whitaker was a complete waste, since we can’t recognize them with all that tangled hair and hairy makeup. Ebert was funny when he said, “Their costumes look like they were purchased from the Goodwill store on the planet Tatooine.” Travolta can be charming, funny, touching, and brave in his memorable roles. Why make him a bad alien villain? The Psychlos can fly between galaxies but look at their nails: Their civilization has mastered hyperdrive but not manicure.
Ebert admitted, “I am not against unclean characters on principle--at least now that the threat of Smell-O-Vision no longer hangs over our heads. Lots of great movies have squalid heroes. But when the characters seem noxious on principle, we wonder if the art and costume departments were allowed to run wild.”
“Battlefield Earth” was written in 1980 by L. Ron Hubbard, the founder of Scientology. The film has no evidence of Scientology or any other thought process. It is shapeless and senseless; without a convincing plot or characters we care for even minorly. The director, Roger Christian, has learned from better films that directors sometimes tilt their cameras, but he has not learned why.
Ebert said, “Some movies run off the rails. This one is like the train crash in "The Fugitive." I watched it in mounting gloom, realizing I was witnessing something historic, a film that for decades to come will be the punch line of jokes about bad movies. There is a moment here when the Psychlos' entire planet (home office and all) is blown to smithereens, without the slightest impact on any member of the audience (or, for that matter, the cast).” If the film had been destroyed in a similar disaster, there might have been a standing ovation.
This is, hands down, without a doubt, one of the worst sci-fi films ever made. I cannot believe they would make a travesty like this ever. And to think, this film came out in 2000. The air the Psychlos breath reacts violently to radiation, are you on drugs!? The air is a reactive gas and nuclear radiation would set it off into a nuclear explosion, did you even read this!? How can an advanced trigger-happy violent alien species not have invented nuclear fusion? Earth, which is said to be a peaceful planet, have invented it and the Psychlos didn’t? Look, I never heard or read the book, so I can’t say how closely this follows, but from what everyone else is saying, this movie doesn’t follow the book at all. You would think that casting Travolta, who is a follower of Scientology, would help, but he probably didn’t even have a single say in it. Also, that horrible line “While you were still learning to spell your name.” Just do yourselves a favor and never see this monstrosity. You will regret the day you put this into your DVD/Blu-Ray player.
Now that we have thankfully gotten that atrocious flick out of the way, next week we’re going to look at some good films in “Science Fiction Month.”
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