Jarhead: Law of Return

One great thing about the popularity of Netflix streaming is its contribution to the general public’s intelligence of film history. One example is that even though people may remember “Jarhead” from 2005 that had Jake Gyllenhaal/Sam Mendes, not many people know there were three sequels.

Without a doubt, they’re not directed by or starring any famous celebrity, and they’re of really low quality, but they’ve been released.

“Jarhead: Law of Return” came out in 2019, and is a movie that cites Israel’s “Law of Return,” the legal validation for giving Israeli citizenship to any Jew regardless of where they’re from. That’s how Major Ronan Jackson (Devon Sawa) ended up there, a U.S. trained F-16 pilot flying for the Israeli Air Force, married to an Israeli (Shanti Ashanti).

Jackson’s mother was Jewish, so that’s how he ended having an immigrant (“oleh”) citizenship status.

Anyone who knows military jargon knows that “Jarhead” means a Marine. How we’re sending Marines into Israel to help rescue Jackson after he’s shot down over the Golan Heights? Jackson’s father, played by Robert Patrick, is a U.S. Senator. Only a combo Marine Corps/Shaldag (Israeli commandos) can save Jackson from the hands of the Iranian-packed Golan Freedom Brigade, and their unknown, killing leader, The Ghost, played by George Zlatarev.

 “If he lets you see his eyes, you’re DEAD!”

Roger Moore noted in his review, “Amaury Nolasco (TV’s “Deception) plays “gunny” Sgt. Dave Flores, leader of a grizzled team of tough-talking, swaggering hulks of testosterone and tattoos.” Meeting their Israeli equivalents (Amos Tamam plays their leader) and the Mossad agent (Yael Eitan) makes for a slightly interesting argument.

Moore mentioned, “The Israelis are all mysterious, anonymous warriors — “Our names, like God’s, are not to be spoken.””

The Jarheads all say, “Yeah, you’re Brenner, you’re Brodetsky…”

Moore said, “They quickly find themselves in the thick of it, tracking the missing pilot, fighting and dying on a mission that “does not exist” in a desperate race against the clock.”

The firefights are basic, with the odd eye-rolling mistake of a moment. The pilot fights off terrorists packed with a truck full of machine guns and AK-47s with just his sidearm.

Moore mentioned, “Maybe that’s because he’s hiding out in the only field of bulletproof sunflowers in all of the Middle East (filmed in Israel and Bulgaria). Time and again, Palestinian fighters hold their guns up high to shoot OVER the flowers when Jackson is hiding IN among them.”

The decree changes from “Sure” to laughable. Moore said, “Wait’ll you see what it takes to bring Jackson down. The wacky modified dune buggies of all low-rent commando movies turn up as super secret assault vehicles.” A sniper uses the automatic weapon with the shortest barrel that you’ve ever seen to become Arabic Sniper.

Then there’s the fight in headquarters, where the Marine four-star general, played by Ben Cross, would be a lot more impressive to the Israelis if he wasn’t clearly wearing his stars on a jacket with sergeant’s stripes on the sleeves.

Moore mentioned, “Actor-turned writer-director Don Michael Paul specializes in low-budget sequels WAY down the line from the original “Death Race,” “Sniper,” “Bulletproof,” “Scorpion King” or “Kindergarten Cop,” so don’t expect him to sweat the details. He scripted the epic fiasco “Harley Davidson & the Marlboro Man,” so the hard-boiled dialogue is…hardcore.”

“This is Benghazi all OVER again!”

Moore admitted, “Yes, the whole affair plays like Israeli propaganda, gory and trigger-happy but cut-rate, inept and unsatisfying.” However, Universal has to make up that cash they lost on “Cats” in some way.

Sorry guys, but this is the worst of the franchise. As I said, never see these horrible sequels because they suck. Every single one of these horrible straight-to-video sequels! Now all of you know why I said this franchise is reminiscent of the “Jaws” franchise. Just watch the first one and never bother watching the rest of the franchise.

Thank you everyone for tuning in for “Jarhead Month.” I’m sorry that I mostly talked about horrible movies, but that’s what happens when studio executives don’t quit while they’re ahead.

Look out next month for what I will end the year off with; which I think will make everyone happy since we all need it.