Without a doubt, they’re
not directed by or starring any famous celebrity, and they’re of really low
quality, but they’ve been released.
“Jarhead: Law of Return”
came out in 2019, and is a movie that cites Israel’s “Law of Return,” the legal
validation for giving Israeli citizenship to any Jew regardless of where they’re
from. That’s how Major Ronan Jackson (Devon Sawa) ended up there, a U.S.
trained F-16 pilot flying for the Israeli Air Force, married to an Israeli
(Shanti Ashanti).
Jackson’s mother was
Jewish, so that’s how he ended having an immigrant (“oleh”) citizenship status.
Anyone who knows
military jargon knows that “Jarhead” means a Marine. How we’re sending Marines
into Israel to help rescue Jackson after he’s shot down over the Golan Heights?
Jackson’s father, played by Robert Patrick, is a U.S. Senator. Only a combo
Marine Corps/Shaldag (Israeli commandos) can save Jackson from the hands of the
Iranian-packed Golan Freedom Brigade, and their unknown, killing leader, The
Ghost, played by George Zlatarev.
“If he lets you see his eyes, you’re DEAD!”
Roger Moore noted in
his review, “Amaury Nolasco (TV’s “Deception) plays “gunny” Sgt. Dave Flores,
leader of a grizzled team of tough-talking, swaggering hulks of testosterone
and tattoos.” Meeting their Israeli equivalents (Amos Tamam plays their leader)
and the Mossad agent (Yael Eitan) makes for a slightly interesting argument.
Moore mentioned, “The
Israelis are all mysterious, anonymous warriors — “Our names, like God’s, are
not to be spoken.””
The Jarheads all say, “Yeah,
you’re Brenner, you’re Brodetsky…”
Moore said, “They
quickly find themselves in the thick of it, tracking the missing pilot,
fighting and dying on a mission that “does not exist” in a desperate race
against the clock.”
The firefights are
basic, with the odd eye-rolling mistake of a moment. The pilot fights off
terrorists packed with a truck full of machine guns and AK-47s with just his
sidearm.
Moore mentioned, “Maybe
that’s because he’s hiding out in the only field of bulletproof sunflowers in
all of the Middle East (filmed in Israel and Bulgaria). Time and again,
Palestinian fighters hold their guns up high to shoot OVER the flowers when
Jackson is hiding IN among them.”
The decree changes from
“Sure” to laughable. Moore said, “Wait’ll you see what it takes to bring
Jackson down. The wacky modified dune buggies of all low-rent commando movies
turn up as super secret assault vehicles.” A sniper uses the automatic weapon
with the shortest barrel that you’ve ever seen to become Arabic Sniper.
Then there’s the fight
in headquarters, where the Marine four-star general, played by Ben Cross, would
be a lot more impressive to the Israelis if he wasn’t clearly wearing his stars
on a jacket with sergeant’s stripes on the sleeves.
Moore mentioned, “Actor-turned
writer-director Don Michael Paul specializes in low-budget sequels WAY down the
line from the original “Death Race,” “Sniper,” “Bulletproof,” “Scorpion King”
or “Kindergarten Cop,” so don’t expect him to sweat the details. He scripted
the epic fiasco “Harley Davidson & the Marlboro Man,” so the hard-boiled
dialogue is…hardcore.”
“This is Benghazi all
OVER again!”
Moore admitted, “Yes,
the whole affair plays like Israeli propaganda, gory and trigger-happy but
cut-rate, inept and unsatisfying.” However, Universal has to make up that cash
they lost on “Cats” in some way.
Sorry guys, but this is
the worst of the franchise. As I said, never see these horrible sequels because
they suck. Every single one of these horrible straight-to-video sequels! Now
all of you know why I said this franchise is reminiscent of the “Jaws”
franchise. Just watch the first one and never bother watching the rest of the
franchise.
Thank you everyone for
tuning in for “Jarhead Month.” I’m sorry that I mostly talked about horrible
movies, but that’s what happens when studio executives don’t quit while they’re
ahead.
Look out next month for
what I will end the year off with; which I think will make everyone happy since
we all need it.