All the Time in the World

Ok, I just can't wait any longer. I have to get this review out of the way, or else I think I might just go crazy. Now, the third Spy Kids film came out in 2003, and you thought that Robert Rodriguez would have just left it as a trilogy that died in the third film, which is normally the case when it comes to trilogies. However, he didn't leave it there, and instead came out with a fourth installment 8 years later. In 2011, we got the most shameful sequel to a franchise that could have gone on for a long time, but instead killed it off, "Spy Kids 4D: All the Time in the World." You might be wondering, "What is 4D?' Well, according to Carey Bryson from About.com, "3D movie with Aromascope cards to convey the smell in certain scenes of the movie." Now that we got that out of the way, onto the review, which I just want to get over with immediately.

So the film starts off with the drop dead gorgeous actress, Jessica Alba, playing OSS Agent Marissa Cortez Wilson, who is Juni and Carmen's aunt. Just like in the first movie, she is expecting a baby, and is going to retire after she gives birth. Gee...does that NOT SOUND FAMILIAR!!!!! After she finally manages to arrest the villain Tick-Tock (no, I am not making that up), played by Jeremy Piven, she goes into labor and gives birth to her daughter, Maria Wilson/Spy Baby, played by Belle Solorzano and Genny Solorzano. Her husband, Wilbur, played by Joel McHale, hosts a spy catching show, not knowing that Marissa is a retired spy. He tries to spend enough time with his children, Rebecca and Cecil Wilson, played by Rowan Blanchard and Mason Cook, but can't because of his work. Also, time seems to be speeding up now, and everyone is losing track of time...literally. Time is speeding up to the end of the world. Tick-Tock has broken out, and is working for a villain known as the Timekeeper, also played by Piven. Just like in the last one, I have to ask, why give him that name. Wouldn't you call him the Timestealer since he is stealing time from everyone, not keeping it for himself?

Anyway, Rebecca hates her stepmom, Marissa, and is always trying to play a prank on her. In case you are wondering, Rebecca and Cecil's mom is dead, but she is mentioned while looking at her photos and when they talk about her. Another on-going annoyance is that Rebecca and Cecil keep betting with one another and say they owe each other a dollar. And yes, it does get old, "really" fast. Now Cecil is a genius who is really good at cracking codes, which I have to say is pretty cool, despite the fact that this film is a pain to sit through.

Now Marissa gets thrown back into action after her boss, strangely named Danger D'Amo, also played by Piven, throws her back into action. She takes Maria with her, and leaves Rebecca in the care of her red-sapphire necklace, which is the key to the Timekeeper's plan. When the house is under attack, their dog, Argonaut, voiced by the funny insult comic, Ricky Gervais, (a role I'm sure he wants to forget) talks to them about how to escape. Now guess what they use to get away from the Timekeeper's minions and get to the OSS? Vomit bags, and I am not kidding. Rebecca and Cecil meet Carmen, and Juni comes out of retirement to help them, saying that he was out being independent, which ironically, didn't work out so well. Also, when the minions come into the OSS and the kids try to get away, Argonaut asks them to do some things that makes him leak out oil, defecate silver balls that either make the minions trip or they are smoke bombs, and just for being funny, which it's not, they pull his paw, and he farts out a green gas. That's the main problem with this film, there are feces jokes and fart jokes that are not even funny, many of which involves Maria. Come on, every time you attempt that joke, it just makes it even more juvenile. Maria farts like 8 times, because the first one was just pure gold. They have to really keep showing that because that will make the audience laugh even more, or so they think.

Every time Rebecca and Cecil fight, it's like, "stop it already, it's starting to get really old and really annoying." When Juni enters in the picture again, Carmen and him start fighting like little kids again. What type of audience would want to sit through this torture? According to Bryson:

"The action and humor are similar to the original movie, but less original, because the concept has of course been done before. The new spy gadgets are less abundant and less creative. In fact, the movie mostly focuses on Step-mom Marissa and her ridiculous spying while pregnant or with a baby in tow. Overall, the storyline about the importance of not wasting time could have been a cool message to slide into an action movie, but it was also overdone and underwhelming. Kids may like this movie, but only a very narrow age range will love it.

"The movie contains some sibling bickering and a few rude words like "butt." Also expect the usual farting and poop jokes thanks to the baby. Some perilous scenes may be frightening to young children" (Bryson).

I just can't believe that such a great film series that could have been James Bond for kids had turned down to this torture. It's just unbelievable. What a shame! This feels like it's trying to either re-hash the first one or try and start over, since it was so great in the first one. Just because it worked the first time doesn't mean that you can try and do it again. It won't work!!!!! An example of this is where they have Carmen say her famous, "Oh shitake mushrooms" line that was so perfectly done in the first one. I actually thought she swore in the first one when she said that, but when I saw the quote on IMDB, then I realized what she actually said. You want to know what else? It wasn't funny here...really. Also, "it is the first of the series that uses "Aroma-scope" that allows people to smell odors and aromas from the film via scratch & sniff cards (reminiscent of the infamous 1960s Smell-O-Vision) last used theatrically in the 2003 animated film Rugrats Go Wild. This is the first film without the participation of Antonio Banderas and Carla Gugino and the first film without the distribution of Walt Disney Studios Motion Pictures and Miramax Films" (Wikipedia). You want to know what else? "Dimension Films announced in February 2012 that Spy Kids 5 was under talks to begin production possibly later in 2012 with an unknown (even prospective) release date. The original cast is expected to return" (Wikipedia). Why? This film was so bad, why keep dragging it on? It's just like what they are doing with the Scary Movie franchise, since I heard the fifth one was so bad. Just stop please.

Phew, what a relief! I finally got that over with. Thanks for joining in on "Spy Kids Month," and thanks for staying through the torture. I know it got painful throughout the month, but thankfully it's over and I am feeling much better. Stay tuned for more of my reviews coming right at you. I will see you all next month.