Jarhead: Law of Return

One great thing about the popularity of Netflix streaming is its contribution to the general public’s intelligence of film history. One example is that even though people may remember “Jarhead” from 2005 that had Jake Gyllenhaal/Sam Mendes, not many people know there were three sequels.

Without a doubt, they’re not directed by or starring any famous celebrity, and they’re of really low quality, but they’ve been released.

“Jarhead: Law of Return” came out in 2019, and is a movie that cites Israel’s “Law of Return,” the legal validation for giving Israeli citizenship to any Jew regardless of where they’re from. That’s how Major Ronan Jackson (Devon Sawa) ended up there, a U.S. trained F-16 pilot flying for the Israeli Air Force, married to an Israeli (Shanti Ashanti).

Jackson’s mother was Jewish, so that’s how he ended having an immigrant (“oleh”) citizenship status.

Anyone who knows military jargon knows that “Jarhead” means a Marine. How we’re sending Marines into Israel to help rescue Jackson after he’s shot down over the Golan Heights? Jackson’s father, played by Robert Patrick, is a U.S. Senator. Only a combo Marine Corps/Shaldag (Israeli commandos) can save Jackson from the hands of the Iranian-packed Golan Freedom Brigade, and their unknown, killing leader, The Ghost, played by George Zlatarev.

 “If he lets you see his eyes, you’re DEAD!”

Roger Moore noted in his review, “Amaury Nolasco (TV’s “Deception) plays “gunny” Sgt. Dave Flores, leader of a grizzled team of tough-talking, swaggering hulks of testosterone and tattoos.” Meeting their Israeli equivalents (Amos Tamam plays their leader) and the Mossad agent (Yael Eitan) makes for a slightly interesting argument.

Moore mentioned, “The Israelis are all mysterious, anonymous warriors — “Our names, like God’s, are not to be spoken.””

The Jarheads all say, “Yeah, you’re Brenner, you’re Brodetsky…”

Moore said, “They quickly find themselves in the thick of it, tracking the missing pilot, fighting and dying on a mission that “does not exist” in a desperate race against the clock.”

The firefights are basic, with the odd eye-rolling mistake of a moment. The pilot fights off terrorists packed with a truck full of machine guns and AK-47s with just his sidearm.

Moore mentioned, “Maybe that’s because he’s hiding out in the only field of bulletproof sunflowers in all of the Middle East (filmed in Israel and Bulgaria). Time and again, Palestinian fighters hold their guns up high to shoot OVER the flowers when Jackson is hiding IN among them.”

The decree changes from “Sure” to laughable. Moore said, “Wait’ll you see what it takes to bring Jackson down. The wacky modified dune buggies of all low-rent commando movies turn up as super secret assault vehicles.” A sniper uses the automatic weapon with the shortest barrel that you’ve ever seen to become Arabic Sniper.

Then there’s the fight in headquarters, where the Marine four-star general, played by Ben Cross, would be a lot more impressive to the Israelis if he wasn’t clearly wearing his stars on a jacket with sergeant’s stripes on the sleeves.

Moore mentioned, “Actor-turned writer-director Don Michael Paul specializes in low-budget sequels WAY down the line from the original “Death Race,” “Sniper,” “Bulletproof,” “Scorpion King” or “Kindergarten Cop,” so don’t expect him to sweat the details. He scripted the epic fiasco “Harley Davidson & the Marlboro Man,” so the hard-boiled dialogue is…hardcore.”

“This is Benghazi all OVER again!”

Moore admitted, “Yes, the whole affair plays like Israeli propaganda, gory and trigger-happy but cut-rate, inept and unsatisfying.” However, Universal has to make up that cash they lost on “Cats” in some way.

Sorry guys, but this is the worst of the franchise. As I said, never see these horrible sequels because they suck. Every single one of these horrible straight-to-video sequels! Now all of you know why I said this franchise is reminiscent of the “Jaws” franchise. Just watch the first one and never bother watching the rest of the franchise.

Thank you everyone for tuning in for “Jarhead Month.” I’m sorry that I mostly talked about horrible movies, but that’s what happens when studio executives don’t quit while they’re ahead.

Look out next month for what I will end the year off with; which I think will make everyone happy since we all need it.

Jarhead 3: The Siege

Winston Groom wrote a sequel to his bestselling book Forrest Gump, called Gump & Co., but I doubt that will ever get made into a movie. However, Anthony Swofford has never written a sequel to Jarhead, and that was made into a movie with Jake Gyllenhaal in 2004, but there have been two straight-to-video sequels.

Alonso del Arte said in his review, “My memory of the first Jarhead movie is rather fuzzy. If I recall correctly, it covers all of Swofford’s enlistment in the Marine Corps, as well as can be done in two hours, and he did not re-enlist. There was plenty of combat readiness in that movie but no combat.”

Arte continued, “The biggest thing that sticks out in my mind about that first movie is the protagonist drinking out of a clear plastic bottle. Makes for a poetic image, but I hope in real life Marines are still using the drab green canteens. So I am not alone in being surprised about these two sequels seeming to be nonstop action.”

Universal Studios had the thought that Swofford does not own anything on the word “jarhead.” Arte said, “Therefore, they can make as many Jarhead movies as they like, though I do hope they give Swofford some kind of fee, however ambivalent he might feel about it.”

“Jarhead 3: The Siege,” released in video in 2016, stars Charlie Weber as Corporal Albright, a young Marine whose tour of duty becomes completely different from what he thought. That could be the only connection this has to the first movie.

To make sure good no one thinks this sequel will have more talk than action, the screenwriters made sure to begin with a short prologue with a voice-over where Albright says he doesn’t know anything as bullets are being fired.

The movie then flashbacks to Albright’s arrival at “the Kingdom,” one of the Arab counties, we don’t need to think about which one. Maybe the screenwriters were trying to prevent complaints.

They probably thought a lot of American has some recognition with Iraq, Kuwait, Saudi Arabia or Afghanistan. Picking a Middle Eastern country besides those could still get complaints, so it’s safer for the writers to not specify which country it is. No one can say “They don’t have those in Qatar” or “We don’t do that in Yemen.”

Despite some people are convinced that this movie is definitely taking place in Saudi Arabia, a monarchy where the king has a lot of real power. Arte admitted, “Not that I’d do well in a Jeopardy! Middle Eastern countries category, but I’m pretty sure Jordan is also a monarchy. So I’m not going to insist that “the Kingdom” refers or does not refer to a specific real country.”

Now Albright is assigned to the embassy detail at the United States embassy in the Kingdom, where his main job looks like to act as a human lectern in blue clothing for Ambassador Cahill, played by Stephen Hogan, to read children’s books to the local children.

It’s the job other embassy Marines looks like they have done without complaining before Albright was enlisted, but it motivates the new man to go rogue in a training exercise. The scene is that ambassador has been kidnapped by some terrorist group or another.

Arte said, “Albright charges ahead and rescues the pretend-ambassador, but fails to notice a pretend-terrorist in the shadows, who can then pretend-kill the entire unit. Sometimes the most important Marine is the one at the rear. It’s a lesson I think Albright has forgotten by the end of the movie.”

In another situation of unthankful initiative, Albright identifies real terrorist Khaled al-Asiri, played by Howard Hadrian, casing the compound, and takes this information straight to the ambassador. Albright is not taken seriously because intelligence is sure that al-Asiri died in a recent drone strike.

Trouble is, al-Asiri did somehow survive the drone strike, but didn’t have his cellphone with him at the time. Arte noted, “Unlike JAG, Jarhead 3 can’t send Trisha Yearwood to analyze drone strike debris to identify human remains and make sure the intended target was in the building.”

Also, al-Asiri is looking to get his cellphone back, which for some reason is in a safe at the embassy but hasn’t yet been uploaded to CIA computers (yeah, there are some details in the story that doesn’t really make sense, other than to put the main character in more dangerous situations).

Arte noted, “Pretty soon, the embassy is under siege, bullets are flying everywhere and Kingdomians on both sides of the conflict are having simplistic theological discussions while holding guns.”

The ambassador and the terrorist’s brother are in the embassy’s safe room, but Albright and computer tech Olivia Winston, played by Sasha Jackson, must take bullets and go to a separate building in the embassy compound to retrieve the terrorist’s phone and upload the important information it contains (Arte said, “I guess terrorists don’t have ways to tell their accomplices to make information obsolete”).

“The is just like Benghazi!” the embassy’s goofy media intern Blake, played by the voice of Zuko from “Avatar: The Last Airbender,” Dante Basco, exclaims at one point. No, it’s not. Arte noted, “John Kerry is Secretary of State and the Republicans don’t look like they're interested in politicizing embassy deaths during his tenure.”

One of the Marines tells Albright that a Marine dying in the line of duty is an act of bravery, a civilian dying is a national tragedy. Also, Benghazi was a consulate, not an embassy, and Ambassador Stevens was supposed to be there only for a short period.

Dennis Haysbert is wasted as Marine Major Lincoln, the MARSOC commander who doesn’t get to do much besides tell Albright to hold things together until he can get there with his MARSOC unit.

Arte noted, ““Jarhead 3 is 13 Hours with less class and more Marines,” declares the review at the War is Boring blog. That reviewer rightly takes issue with how foreign aid is depicted in Jarhead 3. In the movie, foreign aid is literally given under the table, and seems more like protection payments to the local mob.”

It doesn’t look like anything learns anything from the whole war experience. Albright gets promoted to Staff Sergeant and becomes the Marine embassy detail’s new NCOIC (the trigger-happy guy died during the war, and it looks like there isn’t supposed to be even one Marine officer in the table of organization), while Agent Winston continues to make under-the-table payments to locals.

Dennis Haysbert is on the DVD box and promotional materials for the movie, despite his role being very small. Arte said, “I guess it’s just to give this direct-to-DVD production a small sheen of Oscar credibility (Haysbert has been nominated for a Golden Globe and Screen Actors Guild awards).”

Marines want to see themselves in the movies more. Arte said, “In Operation Hollywood, David Robb mentions that the Marine Corps floated the idea of making Forrest Gump a Marine in exchange for less government interference on the screenplay. I guess it is mainly on that level that the Jarhead movie franchise is of interest to me.”

The third installment, as already mentioned, went straight-to-DVD in 2016. Arte advised, “If you happen to see it at your local library, I would recommend checking it out. But I wouldn’t recommend actively searching for it. And if I happen to come across Jarhead 2, I will review that here as well.”

However, I feel that you should avoid this one because this franchise just keeps sinking into disaster with every installment. This one is no exception because it feels like they just want to make money off of a good movie. Just don’t watch this one at all.

Sadly, they made one more attempt at a sequel. If you want to know how that one is, just wait until next week when we finally wrap up “Jarhead Month.”

Jarhead 2: Field of Fire

“Jarhead 2: Field of Fire,” released in 2014, spends time on gunfire montages. Jake Gyllenhaal never fired his gun in the first “Jarhead,” which was the point.

The leftovers of “Jarhead” stays, despite they do so as a limited look in the psyche of Marine Corps soldiers stationed in Taliban-ruled areas. Matt Paprocki said in his review, “However, this in-name-only sequel is less about the grind, pressures, and alluring promises hoisted upon our youngest recruits than it is a tale of sagging heroism mingling with bullet fed patriotism.”

Paprocki continued, “Mostly ignoring the mental toll, that which made Jarhead a captivating and purposeful non-spectacle, is egregious. Spinning into recruitment video level jingoism is an outright illegitimatization of the concept.”

What’s left for Don Michael Paul to direct is way out from studio areas. Paprocki said, “Universal demanded a war movie soaked in blood squibs more than internal turmoil. In that sense, Jarhead 2, in spite of heinous bro chatter dialog, is a drooping if effective war drama.” Josh Kelley enters in to take over an available Corporal post as Merrimette, taking down orders from Stephen Lang whose roughness is really evident.

Story making throws Merrimette and his team in dangerous Taliban country after a car accident, showing a series of fights with Afghan rebels meant to make up this stuff for a wider audience. It’s a usual way of modern cinematic militarism, filled with sacrifice and bravery without any context.

Paprocki said, “Jarhead 2 slinks past any potential flare ups of boredom; there’s enough desert-born bullet trading to ensure it.” However, there is also no substance. Afghanistan’s difficult existence is taken down to a single native woman who is just there so show that she is a damsel-in-distress in a finale than just give a reason for her country’s chaos.

Paprocki said, “So much of this feature is inter-cutting between B-level, shaky cam close-ups of M-16s and nondescript men in turbans flailing as they’re hit. I’s a wonder if most of this wasn’t stock material welled up in Universal’s library. Jarhead 2’s statement is only to prop up currently held belief systems of superiority.” This is cliché and obsolete, nothing like the exaggerated posters, showing helicopters blowing up villages in the name of democracy – however in plan, “Jarhead 2” is not far off from a difference from that look.

As you might have guessed, this movie is bad. What could you expect from a direct-to-video sequel? Why did they feel to make a sequel to “Jarhead?” Was there any good reason? Did the first one even leave off with a hint that there will be a sequel? Just avoid this one, if you loved the first one.

Look out next week for the continuation of the downhill slope of “Jarhead Month.”

Jarhead

For the month of November, I thought that I would review another war franchise, specifically the “Jarhead” franchise. Let’s start off with the very first film, “Jarhead,” released in 2005.

This is a war movie that goes above the war and tells a soldier’s point of view. It shows the urgency and emptiness that every man’s stories have, because if something happened to us, then it is important to us regardless of how apathetic the world is.

“Four days, four hours, one minute. That was my war,” the Marine sniper Tony Swofford says. “I never shot my rifle.”

The movie is weird in its effect. It has no heroism, little action, no easy laughs. It is about men who are tired, bored, isolated, trained to the point of insanity and not given a chance to use their training. Roger Ebert said in his review, “The most dramatic scene in the movie comes when Swofford has an enemy officer in the crosshairs of his gunsight and is forbidden to fire because his shot may give advance warning of an air strike.”

His spotter, Troy, goes crazy: “Let him take the shot!” Let him, actually, kill one enemy as his revenge for the torture of basic training, the midpoint of the desert, the sand and heat, the pain of months of waiting, the look of a highway traffic jam made of burned vehicles and fresh burnt corpses. Ebert mentioned, “Let him take the shot to erase for a second the cloud of oil droplets he lives in, the absence of the sun, the horizon lined with the plumes of burning oil wells.” Let him take the gosh darn shot.

The movie is based on the best-selling 2003 memoir Jarhead by Anthony Swofford, who served in the first Gulf War. It is not like most war movies where it mainly tells the personal experience of a young man in the middle of the military process. At one point, Swofford, played by Jake Gyllenhaal, is being interviewed by a network newswoman who asks him why he serves. He has already given two or three usual answers. She continues, and finally he looks in the camera and says: “I’m 20 years old, and I was dumb enough to sign a contract.”

His best friend is his spotter, Troy, played by Peter Sarsgaard. Their small unit of scout-snipers has gone through training by Staff Sgt. Sykes, played by Jamie Foxx, who knows why he serves: He loves his job. Ebert said, “Others in the group include borderline psychos and screw-ups but mostly just average young Americans who have decided the only thing worse than fighting a war is waiting to fight one -- in the desert, when the temperature is 112 and it would be great for the TV cameras if they played a football game while wearing their anti-gas suits.”

Ebert said, “"Jarhead" is a story like Robert Graves' Goodbye to All That, in the way it sees the big picture entirely in terms of the small details.” Sykes informs them about Saddam Hussein’s invasion of the Kuwait oil fields, but says their main duty is to guard the oil of “our friends, the Sauds.” They do this by killing time. The narration has this one verse that sounds like it came straight from the book, where Swofford lists everything they do through their time: They train, they sleep, they watch TV and videos, they get in pointless fights, they read letters from home and write letters to home, and mostly they satisfy themselves.

Ebert noted, “These are not the colorful dogfaces of World War II movies with their poker games, or the druggies in "Apocalypse Now."” They have no smart remarks, we don’t see drugs, they get drunk when they can, and there is a Wall of Shame covered with the photos of the girls back home that broke up with them. They go on patrols in the desert, looking for nothing which doesn’t look like any place, and their greatest tension comes when they encounter eight Arabs with five camels. They think it’s a trap and their fingers are on their triggers. They are in formation to attack. Swofford and one of the Arabs meet on neutral place. He comes back with his report: “Somebody shot three of their camels.”

Ebert noted, “In a war like this, the ground soldier has been made obsolete by air power. Territory that took three months to occupy in World War I and three weeks in Vietnam now takes 10 minutes.” Sykes warns them to expect 70,000 casualties in the beginning of the war, but as anyone remembers, the Iraqis surrendered and the war was over. Now we are involved in a war that requires soldiers on the ground, against an enemy that no longer wears uniforms. Ebert says, “Yet many of its frustrations are the same, and I am reminded of the documentary "Gunner Palace," about an Army field artillery division that is headquartered in the ruins of a palace once occupied by Saddam's son, Uday.” They are brave, they are skilled, and dying comes suddenly from unseen enemies in the middle of routine.

“Jarhead” was directed by Sam Mendes, and it is the other side of the story of David O. Russell’s “Three Kings,” also about the Gulf War. Ebert noted, “If Russell had Catch-22 as his guide, it is instructive that the book Swofford is reading is The Stranger by Camus. The movie captures the tone of Camus' narrator, who knows what has happened but not why, nor what it means to him, nor why it happens to him. Against this existential void, the men of the sniper unit shore up friendships and rituals. Their sergeant is hard, not because he is pathological but because he wants to prepare them to save their lives. They are ready. They have been trained into a frenzy of readiness, and all they find on every side, beautifully visualized by the film, is a vastness -- first sand, then sand covered with a black rain, then skies red with unchanging flames 24 hours a day.”

It is not often that a movie does exactly what it was like to be this person in this place at this time, but “Jarhead” does. They say a story can be shown by how its characters change. For the rest of his life, Swofford informs, whether he holds it or not, his rifle will always be a part of him. It wasn’t like that when everything began.

This is one of those movies that is a must to see. If you haven’t seen it, then you should. You will love this movie because it really shows the realism of being a soldier in the army. For those who are or have been a soldier, you will relate to these characters.

However, the rest of the franchise just got worse, like the “Jaws” franchise. Look out next week to find out in “Jarhead Month.”