3 Ninjas: High Noon at Mega Mountain

Things are in a pretty sad situation when former professional wrestler and host of American Gladiators, Hulk Hogan, gives the movie’s most emotive performance. He does just that, in “3 Ninjas: High Noon at Mega Mountain,” released in 1998, playing the role of Dave Dragon, an action hero from a television sitcom that just got canceled. Dave, whose hair line is receding and is embarrassed to be seen by his fans wearing red stretch pants, is performing for the last time at Mega Mountain, an amusement park, where evil ninjas take over the park and threaten the owner of the park (Pat Mahoney) to give Medusa (Loni Anderson) $10 million or else the park will be blown to kingdom come.

Luckily the three ninja brothers are at the park as well. Rocky (Matthew Botuchis), Colt (Michael O'Laskey II) and Tum Tum (James Paul Roeske II) have been dropped off at the park by their parents (Alan McRae and Margarita Franco) and are left to celebrate Tum Tum’s birthday there.

Since the boys have been trained by their Grandfather Mori (Victor Wang), you can be certain that the bad guys will not be able to escape. Even Tum Tum will be able to take on guys half his size.

There are gunfights, physical fights on top of roller coasters, dart attacks, and a SWAT team that can’t figure out how to get through an electric fence! Why is that? In the end, Medusa, the leader of the villains, forcefully tells the brothers “your training is far superior to my warriors.” Lady, wasn’t that the whole point?

Obviously the brothers would not be so cool if they didn’t learn a few valuable lessons.

They wouldn’t have been able to take on everyone without Dave, who tells the brothers, “Real heroes know when to play it cool,” or without their new neighbor who also happens to be a computer genius, Amanda, played by Chelsey Earlywine.

Anita Gates of the New York Times said in her review, “For most moviegoers over 12, this, the fourth ''Three Ninjas'' movie, will be interminably boring. But it's possible that young children will enjoy the film, since it falls into both the action category and the children-are-smart-adults-can't-do-anything-right genre.”

The amusement park workers are stupid since they basically fell for Medusa as a nun even though she is wearing pounds of makeup and dangling earrings.

Do yourself a favor, and avoid this entire series because they just got worse and worse with every single film. The biggest slap in the face for moviegoers is that the late Jim Varney, who you might remember as playing Ernest P. Worrell, is in here playing Medusa’s right hand man. Now that is a shame.

Phew, what a relief. It’s a good thing I’m done with this horrible series. At least I am done with this series, and now I’m happy.

Thank you for joining in on my reviews this month and…wait a minute. Next month is October! You know what that means!? HALLOWEEN MONTH!!!! Are you looking forward to it, because I sure am. See you all then.

3 Ninjas Knuckle Up

Now I will talk about the third in the “3 Ninjas” series that should have ended with the first film, “3 Ninjas Knuckle Up,” released in 1995.

Joe Leydon of Variety said it best in his review, “The third time isn’t the charm for this latest adventure of the pint-size chopsocky heroes. TriStar is going through the motions with token theatrical exposure but it won’t be long before this uninspired installment in the kidpic series hits the video shelves.” Believe it or not, this film was actually filmed before “3 Ninjas Kick Back, which would explain why Michael Treanor and Chad Power are in this sequel and not the last. This movie turned out to be an even bigger disappointment than the last one, but you could probably figure out very quickly why TriStar thought it would be a good idea to keep making sequels.

Leydon said in his review, ““Knuckle Up” (which bears a 1992 copyright date) is thoroughly second-rate in all regards, with slapdash production values, cartoonish performances, by-the-numbers scripting and ridiculous martial-arts fight scenes that won’t convince any youngster old enough to watch “Mighty Morphin Power Rangers.””

Simon S. Sheen, who also directed the first “3 Ninjas,” tires to lighten up this movie with a handful of clowning that would be funnier if the Three Stooges were doing them.

Once again, Rocky (Treanor), Tum Tum (Power) and Colt (Max Elliot Shade), are spending their summer with their Grandpa Mori (Victor Wang), who also is their marital arts sensei. Sadly, the brothers have plenty of opportunities to roundhouse kick, karate chop and basically injure many of the adults, who play the villains.

Alex S. Kim’s standard script shows the three brothers defending a Native American tribe against a cruel businessman named Jack, played by the late Charles Napier, whose dumping toxic waste on the Native American’s land. Of course Jack has evil thugs and corrupt city officials, including the Sheriff (Don Stark) and even the Mayor (Vincent Schiavelli), to make sure the Native Americans are in line. Now you can predict the formula, because our three main heroes and Grandpa Mori (along with his stunt double) once again prove that they are too much for the villains. Even though this film is only 85 minutes long, is feels really padded. Levy was right on the money when he said, “There’s barely enough plot for a half-hour episode of a weekly TV series spinoff.” Also, there’s even less effort put in with the acting, writing and filmmaking methods to interest anyone who is over the age of 10.

Do yourself a favor and avoid this one at all cost. You might be thinking, “But it has a good moral message with the toxic waste being dumped on the land.” Well sure, but it works better in other films than this disgrace of a sequel. Look out next week when I finally finish this series off.

3 Ninjas Kick Back

Who would have thought that “3 Ninjas” was good enough to have a sequel made? Well, they must have because in 1994, they released “3 Ninjas Kick Back.” I think this movie was made not only to make money, but also with their eyes on the international movie market. Set mostly in Japan and adding a female ninja to the three brothers, this sequel succeeds in communicating the positive and fun elements from both the Japanese and American cultures. Emanuel Levy said in his review, “This sequel may not be as big a bonanza as “3 Ninjas,” Disney’s 1992 sleeper hit, but TriStar should expect strong response from children of all ages.”

The second in the series puts our three main characters, Rocky (Sean Fox), Colt (Max Elliot Shade) and Tum Tum (Evan Bonifant) on two different stories. The three brothers have to help their Grandpa Mori, reprised by Victor Wang, return to Japan to give a ceremonial dagger he won 50 years ago to the new winner of the Ninja tournament. On top of that, they have to return home on time for their upcoming baseball game, where their team, the Dragons, play against their rivals, The Mustangs.

In search of the dagger, which is a key to a secret gold cave, Grandpa’s old nemesis Koga, played by Sab Shimono, hires his nephew and two rockstar friends (Dustin Nguyen, Jason Schombing and Angelo Tiffe). Largely played, and wearing ridiculous wigs and costumes, they are exactly like the villains from the last movie, which Levy describes them as “more bumbling buffoons than villains,” and also give the reason for some funny fights and severe physical comedy.

To broaden the story’s request, scriptwriter Mark Saltzman sensibly adds a girl, Miyo, played by Caroline Julio King, whose skills let her teach the boys a new move or two in martial arts. Miyo also becomes Colt’s girlfriend, the teenager who begins to experience cramps of the heart.

Levy stated in his review, “A new bicultural and reconciliatory tone underlies “3 Ninjas Kick Back.”” Some of the previous American movies have showed heated competition and lack of sympathy toward Japan. However, this film strains the similarities of the countries and what kids of both cultures can learn from one another. Staying with Miyo’s family, the Americans get a geography lesson, eat Japanese food, and improve their karate. In the same vain, Miyo gets a firsthand lesson of American culture.

Charles T. Kanganis, who has directed a handful of action movies, knows that the essential factors in some adventures are comic energy and fast pace. Indeed, expecting a few of unnecessary scenes, like the one’s involving our main character’s parents (Alan McRae and Margarita Franco), pic benefits from kinetic humor and fast pacing.

Levy said in his review, “Tech credits, notably the lensing and colorful production design, are most proficient.”

The film’s moralistic dimensions are so well put together into the narrative that they’re hardly noticeable. Levy even stated, “Still, as in “The Wizard of Oz,””The Secret Garden” and other classic fairy tales, younger viewers will get a flavor of a new and “dangerous” magical world with a healthy dosage of traditional family values, such as security of country and comfort of home.”

Want my honest opinion? Not only is this film feeling more like another cash-in to copy “Ninja Turtles,” but it almost feels like it’s copying “The Karate Kid II.” Seriously it does, with the traveling to Japan and Rocky falling in love with one of the Japanese girls. Don’t you think that, for those of you who have seen this movie? If you get the chance to not see this one, do so. If you have seen it from your childhood, do yourself a huge favor and save yourself from seeing this again because you will not like it.

Now that I got that out of the way, let’s try to recollect ourselves before next week when I look at the third in this horrible franchise.

3 Ninjas

Well, it looks like you children are back in school for another year. To add on to your misery, this month I will review another franchise that ripped-off Ninja Turtles. I’m of course talking about the “3 Ninjas” franchise. For those of you who grew up watching “3 Ninjas,” you might have liked it as children, but now, looking back, you probably don’t remember it fondly. To prove that, I will review the first “3 Ninjas” movie, released in 1992.

If you were one of those kids that either begged your parents or you were allowed to watch violent movies like “The Karate Kid,” “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles” or “Home Alone,” save yourself from the misery of “3 Ninjas.”

However, if you only saw those movies as harmless, cartoony enjoyment, then consider “3 Ninjas” in the same ballpark. Actually, think of it as a clone.

The story, which Chris Hicks described as “little more than an outline for three big set pieces,” shows three brothers (Michael Treanor, Max Elliott Slade, and Chad Power) learning karate from their aging but very agile grandfather, Mori Shintaro (Victor Wong).

There’s a subplot in this movie that shows the typical workaholic dad, FBI agent Sam Douglas, played by Alan McRae, who makes his kids learn martial arts while he basically ignores his family. Want to guess what the moral will be at the end of the movie? Also, the boys bump into your typical school bullies, played by Baha Jackson and Scott Caudill.

Most of the film focuses on this evil gunrunner named Snyder, played by Rand Kingsley, whose evil plan is to kidnap our three main heroes so that their father will leave him alone. On top of that, Snyder was taught in his youth by Shintaro.

Like all movies, the first fight sequence is the opening, which shows the three brothers being trained by their grandfather and end up meeting Snyder and his henchmen for the first time. The second arrives when three goofballs (D.J. Harder, Race Nelson and Patrick Labyorteaux), as described by Hicks as “talk in Waynespeak (as in "Wayne's World"),” attempt to kidnap the boys while they are sleeping but failed because the brothers set up this film’s version of the “Home Alone” traps. The third is the final fight on the docked freighter, which is a one-on-one battle between Shintaro and Snyder.

All of these three fight sequences are subjected to cartoon sound effects and lots of comedic variations on how to fight people, to make them light-hearted, which Hicks described it “resembles a Tom and Jerry cartoon.”

Hicks said in his review, “For me, "3 Ninjas" had its amusing moments but was also tedious at times. For the kids who surrounded me it was terrific — they laughed, hooted and cheered the three young heroes, with whom they obviously identified.”

Here’s something that you will be asking yourself when watching this movie: How come Shintaro is Asian and no one else has at least one Asian trait? Also, he’s their mother’s father, and the mother, played by Margarita Franco, isn’t Asian. Hicks asked, “Was it really necessary to cast Mom and the kids as WASPs?”

This film contains bloodless violence (well it should since this is a kids movie), some disturbing moments like when a gun is put to a kid’s head, some soft bad manners, such as the expected low blow kicks and a scene where one of the kidnappers drinks laxative and gets diarrhea, which isn’t anywhere as funny as it was in “Dumb and Dumber.”

Overall, avoid this film. The director, Jon Turteltaub, luckily got out of directing the other sequels, but the rest of the people who worked on it didn’t. This film is the reason why you should never combine “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles” and “Home Alone,” it doesn’t work. However, like I had mentioned, they didn’t stop here, so look out next week when I look at the first sequel in the franchise for “3 Ninjas Month.”