Conan the Barbarian (1982)

For the month of March, I thought I would finally give in and review the movies based on the famous novels written by Robert E. Howard (which I have never read), the “Conan” movies. Now bear in mind, even though I did say the “Conan” movies, there are a couple that may not be related, but do in some way count since they fall under “Sword and Sorcery.” With that said, let’s get the month started with the very first film, “Conan the Barbarian,” released in 1982.

Roger Ebert said in his review, “Not since Bambi's mother was killed has there been a cannier movie for kids than "Conan the Barbarian." It's not supposed to be just a kids' movie, of course, and I imagine a lot of other moviegoers will like it. I liked a lot of it myself, and with me, a few broadswords and leather jerkins go a long way. But "Conan" is a perfect fantasy for the alienated preadolescent.” The story starts off with Conan’s parents (William Smith and Nadiuska) are badly killed by the villain Thulsa Doom (James Earl Jones), which was the only way for them to get out of the way. The boy, played by Jorge Sanz, is taken to the Wheel of Pain, where he just pushes the wheel around for years, which is the only education he gets. The kid becomes so ripped that he could be a bodybuilder. One day he is set free by Luis Barboo. He joins Subotai the Mongol (Gerry Lopez), who is the classic literary best friend, and with Valeria, Queen of Thieves (Sandahl Bergman), who is the real best friend.

Valeria is everything you want in a woman, if you are obviously a weight-lifting man. She is long-limbed and muscular and a great team member and she can ride, throw, stab, fence and climb ropes as good as a boy. Sometimes she starts a poor talk about love, but you can tell she’s joking, and she comes back fast with obscure talk about loyalty and betrayal – emotions that seem relatable to Conan’s experience and maturity.

With Subotai and Valeria with him, Conan goes to find Thulsa Doom and get revenge for the murder of his parents. Also, he is tasked by King Osric (Max von Sydow) to free his daughter Yasmina (Valérie Quennessen) from Thulsa Doom’s snake cult. He needs to prepare for this trip to the mysterious East, where he learns a little fast kung-fu, and then to the mountains where Thulsa Doom controls his slave-priests from the top of his Mountain of Power. Ebert said, “There are a lot of battles and a few interesting nights at crude wayside inns and, in general, nothing to tax the unsophisticated. "Conan the Barbarian" is, in fact, a very nearly perfect visualization of the Conan legend, of Robert E. Howard's tale of a superman who lived beyond the mists of time, when people were so pure, straightforward, and simple that a 1930s pulp magazine writer could write about them at one cent a word and not have to pause to puzzle out their motivations.”

The movie’s casting is perfect. Arnold Schwarzenegger is undeniably cast as Conan and Sandahl Bergman as Valeria. Physically, they look like the novel’s depiction of themselves. What’s nice is that they also make entertaining versions of their characters. They, and the movie, are not without humor and a type of quiet cunning that is never allowed to go too far. Ebert noted, “Schwarzenegger's slight Teutonic accent is actually even an advantage, since Conan lived, of course, in the eons before American accents.” We also have the late Mako playing Akiro the wizard.

Ebert continued, “The movie is a triumph of production design, set decoration, special effects and makeup. At a time when most of the big box-office winners display state-of-the-art technology, "Conan" ranks right up there with the best. Ron Cobb, the sometime underground cartoonist who did the production design on this film (and on "Alien") supervises an effort in which the individual frames actually do look like blow-ups of panels from the Marvel Comics "Conan" books.” Since this Conan could have so simply looked silly, that’s success.

Ebert admitted, “But there is one aspect of the film I'm disturbed by. It involves the handling of Thulsa Doom, the villain. He is played here by the fine black actor James Earl Jones, who brings power and conviction to a role that seems inspired in equal parts by Hitler, Jim Jones, and Goldfinger. But when Conan and Doom meet at the top of the Mountain of Power, it was, for me, a rather unsettling image to see this Nordic superman confronting a black, and when Doom's head was sliced off and contemptuously thrown down the flight of stairs by the muscular blond Conan, I found myself thinking that Leni Reifenstahl could have directed the scene, and that Goebbels might have applauded it.”

Ebert continued, “Am I being too sensitive? Perhaps. But when Conan appeared in the pulps of the 1930s, the character suggested in certain unstated ways the same sort of Nordic super-race myths that were being peddled in Germany. These days we are more innocent again, and Conan is seen as a pure fantasy, like his British cousin, Tarzan, or his contemporary, Flash Gordon. My only reflection is that, at a time when there are no roles for blacks in Hollywood if they are not named Richard Pryor, it is a little unsettling to see a great black actor assigned to a role in which he is beheaded by a proto-Nordic avenger.”

Ebert went on, “That complaint aside, I enjoyed "Conan." Faithful readers will know I'm not a fan of Sword & Sorcery movies, despite such adornments as Sandahl Bergman -- having discovered some time ago that heaving bosoms may be great, but a woman with a lively intelligence and a sly wit is even greater.”

The flaw with “Conan” is the flaw with every Sword & Sorcery movies. After the main story (which normally is about revenge) is said, we don’t really have a lot to expect besides the sets, special effects, costumes, makeup, locations, action, and surprise entrances. Almost by meaning, these movies don’t have the possibility of interesting, complex characters. Ebert ended his review by saying, “I'd love to see them set loose an intelligent, questing, humorous hero in one of these prehistoric sword-swingers. Someone at least as smart as, say, Alley Oop.”

Look, I know this may not be liked by everyone, thinking that it’s a stupid movie, but I still enjoy this movie a whole lot. The film has memorable characters, great cinematography and has some of the best movie music. I think that it’s one of the best Sword & Sorcery movies out there. If you’re a Schwarzenegger fan, I would recommend this one.

Seeing how successful this one was, there was a sequel that came out two years later. How is that one compared to this? Find out next week in the next review to “Conan Month.”