Aliens vs. Predator: Requiem

“Aliens vs. Predator: Requiem,” released in 2007, is not really a movie as much as it is just a bunch of shadowy figures moving fast across a screen. Mark Dujsik said in his review, “People might enjoy it more if it were run out of focus, because then they might be able to blame shoddy theater management for hiring an inept projectionist instead of realizing they just threw down too much money (anything over a dollar is too much in this case, by the way) to watch a movie by people who don't know how to make a movie.”

Dujsik continued by saying, “There's not a specific element of this movie I especially hate; it's kind of a collective thing.” The characters are not really cardboard cutouts, only there to be victims after saying a line or two of clichés. The monsters, once really scary (the aliens) or somewhat cool (the predators), are now just shouting blurs or really dark shadows that are not scary, cool, or, in so many ways, even visible. Dujsik said, “Speaking of bad lighting, the whole movie seems to have been lit by lighting bug behind a foggy window, and don't get me started on the editing, which makes it impossible not only to follow the action but also to realize that there is anything resembling action happening on screen.”

There’s a ship in a shape of a frog flying around Earth. It has predators, the dreadlocked villains that slaughtered humans and others, and one of them has an alien, H.R. Giger’s creations that bite, rip and bleed acid, burst out of its chest. Remember that part if you’re able to, because there will eventually be a predator/alien hybrid on the loose. The predators on the ship aren’t really smart with their heavy-impact weapons while flying in a sensitive ship that separates them from the vacuum of space, and the ship crashes in to the woods, where a hunter and his son, played by Kurt Max Runte and Liam James, find the crashed ship.

You might think the kid will need to see a psychiatrist after watching his dad’s arm sliced by acid and his dad’s face attacked by a face-hugging alien, but that’s only you realize the kid’s victimized as well. That’s when we see the seemingly unending array of expendable characters. There’s Dallas (Steve Pasquale), who is friends with the local sheriff (John Ortiz), and his brother Ricky (Johnny Lewis), who has a crush on or once dated Jesse (Kristen Hager). She also has friends, but they’re obviously dead from the beginning.

A large headed predator notices the security footage from the crashed ship and goes to Earth to find the aliens that have managed to escape. He looks around the dark forest for quite some time, and directors the Strause Brothers (Colin and Greg) fill the screen with countless trees that we can’t see what’s going on. They do a long, tedious turn up a tall tree twice, and we see the predator playing around with his weapons in a close-up.

There are lots of scenes of the predator playing with himself, which is really boring (and less disturbing) than it sounds. It’s all in close-up, we have no idea what’s going on, and it’s actually really nice compared to those people we see most of the time. Along with those morons, there’s Kelly (Reiko Aylesworth) who’s on leave to spend time with her husband (Sam Trammell) and daughter (Ariel Gade). Kelly is supposed to be the Ripley of this movie, but the big question is whether or not the Army will cover the cost of her daughter’s years of therapy. There are some other people, but they’ll be dead in their first or second scene. It’s best not to like them.

The movie has a lot of hatred for people, especially the audience. Dujsik said, “The dialogue is a cliché-o-rama, clearly written by some kind of script-generating software or a roomful of action-movie-obsessed monkeys (but credited to Shane Salerno), and in one particularly hilarious scene, the dialogue consists of five of these generic chestnuts in a row ("People are dying," The National Guard will be here soon," "Not soon enough," "I can't believe I'm doing this," and "This plan is stupid; let's leave town."). You might think I'm exaggerating, and I wish I were.”

There’s also a confusing line, “Let’s hope we’re both wrong,” which, given the context that the speaker and the receiver are looking for helicopters that is to rescue the people with them, means that the person hopes there are no helicopters and all of them die. Dujsik said, “Honestly, I'd be fine with that scenario.” Once we leave the forest, we get to watch the people, the aliens, the predators and the alien/predator hybrid go around a sewer, a power plant, a dark locker room, a hospital where the electricity is out - just so your filthy, unreadable visual experience is complete – a rooftop at night in the rain.

The fights are ridiculously filmed, and there’s just one scene in a maternity ward that turns the movie from being mean to being just completely bad for the sake of being cynical. “Aliens vs. Predator: Requiem” also has a climax where the characters outrun a nuclear shot in a helicopter, and it doesn’t even have the audacity to end there. I will do that right now.

Besides the creature effects, nothing is good in this movie, since their shot in a dark and incoherent way. The characters are awful and the movie just satisfied everyone’s complaint by making it R rated and increasing the violence and gore. If you had the sad fate of seeing the first movie, avoid the sequel at all cost. You will absolutely hate it. It should never be watched by anyone who loves these two franchises.

Now that we thankfully got those two cinematic abominations out of the way, check in on Friday where we look at the third installment of the “Predator franchise” in this year’s “Halloween Month.”