Star Wars Holiday Special

Well guys, I saw it. This might quite possibly be the worst Christmas special I have ever seen and I wish that I hadn’t seen it. For those of you who may not know what it might be, it’s the “Star Wars Holiday Special,” released on television in 1978. When you think about it, this should be good. It’s not like they got some of the cast members back for this special. Everyone from the first movie came back. After this was aired for the first time, George Lucas went out of his way to make sure that no one ever sees this horrendous movie. Apparently it was so bad, that Lucas himself is personally ashamed of this. The only reason why I know of this is because I first heard it from James Rolfe when he was reviewing all of the Star Wars movies and said that he wouldn't talk about it. Then he mentioned it again when he was reviewing the Ninja Turtles Christmas Special (yes, they made that one too). When I saw Nostalgia Critic's review of this, I felt the pain he was going through when he was reviewing it. You really want to know how bad it is. Well, since I just finished watching it, I will have to make you sit through this torture with me. Don’t even think of closing this blog. All of you need to feel the pain that I just succumbed to.

At first, it looks like it will be nice since Chewbacca (Peter Mayhew) and Han Solo (Harrison Ford) are in the Millennium Falcon running from Star Destroyers since Chewbacca needs to get home to celebrate a Wookie holiday called “Life Day.” What is “Life Day” you ask? If you want to know, you will not be able to learn about it. This special gives us the torture of never explaining the stupid holiday!! What is the point of making a holiday special if you’re not going to explain the holiday to the viewers that do not know it!?

Then it cuts to a nice looking painting of a tree house on the planet Kashyyyk, where Chewbacca’s family, which includes his wife Malla (Mickey Morton), father Itchy (Paul Gale), and son Lumpy (Patty Maloney) are waiting for him. If you thought that there will be subtitles to let us know what these Wookies are saying, you are far from mistaken. Because THESE JERKS DO NOT PUT IT IN THINKING THAT WE UNDERSTAND THE WOOKIE LANGUAGE!!!! Your ears will also bleed with the constant Wookie screams, which gets ANNOYING REALLY FAST!!! Granted it would get annoying at moments when Chewbacca did it in the Original Trilogy, BUT TO HAVE AN ORCHESTRA OF IT CONSTANTLY!?!?!?!? To keep Lumpy occupied so that he doesn’t keep asking where his father is, Malla puts on some sort of a Ringling Brothers hologram that I don’t understand what is going on.

Malla tries to scan the area of any ships, but none come in contact so she contacts Luke Skywalker (Mark Hamill), who is working with R2D2 (Kenny Baker) on a motor, who both assure her that since Han and Chewbacca left on schedule, they should be on their way but got hung up in something. Malla even contacts a local human trader named Saun Dann, played by Ed Norton from “The Honeymooners,” the late Art Carney, who tells her through a worded message that Han and Chewbacca should be arriving, and he’ll be coming to drop off a package. So Malla puts on a cooking show to try and cook a Life Day meal, which has the late Harvey Korman from “The Carol Burnett Show” on here playing Chef Gormaanda, who looks like Lady Tremaine’s other galaxy relative. Boy are you going to be in for some annoyance because this Chef keeps repeating “Stir, Whip, Stir, Whip, Whip, Whip, Stir, Beat” over and over and over again until your eardrums pop off!! SHUT UP!!!!

When Saun Dann arrives, he puts on some sort of virtual reality “fantasy” segment for Itchy, which has Diahann Carroll in it, and boy are you in for some unclean, discomfort moments for this part. If you think seeing Leia in Jabba’s slave uniform was disturbing, this came before which is “far” worse, if you can believe that. Then you have the part when Leia (Carrie Fisher) and C3PO (Anthony Daniels) contacts Malla to see if Han and Chewbacca are there, and C3PO has to translate to Leia everything that Malla says. Why does he have to do that!? How come Wookies can understand English very well, but Leia cannot understand the Wookies!?!? Are they really that hard for her to understand or was C3PO bored that he felt like he needed to do something by translating to Leia everything Malla says!?!? What is the point here, special!?!?!? Thankfully, Han and Chewbacca are not that far off from Kashyyyk, but they notice that Imperial Soldiers are on there, so they land up north and walk. Lumpy thinks they are home, but when he opens the door, two Stormtroopers and an officer barge in.

The officer is searching for Chewbacca, but Saun Dann and Malla distract him by cooking some food and putting on a Jefferson Starship music video that looks like MTV was on some kind of heroin injection, since that’s what early music videos used to look like. After that, the officer demands searching Lumpy’s room, so they put on a cartoon for Lumpy, which actually is interesting. This segment people remember from everything else in this terrible special, especially since Boba Fett, voiced by Don Francks, makes his first appearance. Actually, why wasn’t the whole special an animated segment? I mean, granted it does look like the early Fast Food Cartoon Commercials, but it still would have been engaging.

Also, call those Troopers heartless jerks for trashing Lumpy’s room and making him go upstairs to clean it up just to keep him busy. Man, do I want to hurt these people. However, Lumpy decides to put on an instruction video with Harvey Korman as some kind of malfunctioning droid that looks like he was drunk while doing this. This part is so boring that it will instantly put you to sleep. In fact, this whole special is boring!!! Nothing about this special will keep your interest!!! I mean, Lumpy is trying to fool the soldiers by faking a transmission message for Stormtroopers to evacuate the area, but do we really need to see this instruction video!? Especially since Harvey Korman gets bored of it himself and falls asleep at the end.

Next up is a news segment on the Mos Eisley Cantina on Tatooine. Alright, is this special trying to be a sketch comedy segment? If they are trying to be like Saturday Night Live, MadTV, The Muppets Show, Second City Television or In Living Color, it failed miserably! Harvey Korman is in this one as Krelman trying to give a flower and hit on the bartender, Ackmena, played by Maude Findlay in “All in the Family” and “Maude” and Dorothy Zbornak in “The Golden Girls,” the late Beatrice "Bea" Arthur. To Bea Arthur’s credit, she was making a good effort of playing the bartender. However, why does the Empire all of a sudden want to put Tatooine on a curfew? That makes no sense! Also, the song “Good Night, But Not Good Bye” sounds like the poor man’s version of Mary Hopkins “Those Were the Days My Friend.” It's completely ridiculous how at the end of every verse is "friend." That shows no originality.

Thankfully, Lumpy fakes the transmission to get everyone out and Han and Chewbacca arrive. However, they grab some crystals and are transported to outer space going through a bright light to the Tree of Life wearing red robes like they are part of some sort of choir. I feel like the Wookies are going to do “Bohemian Rhapsody.” Leia then breaks out into a speech before singing a cheesy “Life Day” song. WILL THIS SPECIAL JUST END ALREADY!?!?!? HOW LONG ARE YOU GOING TO DRAG THIS OUT AND TORTURE EVERYONE!?!?!? WE JUST WANT THIS TO END SO WE CAN GO BACK TO OUR LIVES!!! Did I also forget to mention that Carrie Fisher was doing drugs in the late 1970s, and it's quite evident when you look at her on screen in this garbage?

Seeing how this special is only 97 minutes long, it feels like forever. It’s one of those annoying, boring, irritating, pestering and aggravating specials that you are just torturing yourself watching from first second to last. In fact, this film should be a new form of capital punishment since it feels like it. How is any of this entertaining? Why did George Lucas decide to make this holiday special a year after the original movie came out? Was the first movie "that" successful that they needed to make a holiday special between Episodes four and five? What were you all thinking? Especially since James Earl Jones only says like five lines throughout this special for Darth Vader. How can you do that to one of the greatest villains?

If you think the song is the end, think again. They are just dragging it with Chewbacca flashing back to the original movie like he wants them to know that he’ll come back to them and cutting to him sitting at the table with his family holding hands and bowing their heads in prayer. Maybe they are praying to never appear in any other Star Wars spinoffs since this one was so painful to go through.

George Lucas did a good job keeping this special away from everyone. However, thanks to the birth of the Internet, everyone can see this and shed light to everyone on how horrendous this special is. And people think the Prequels are the worst thing to have the “Star Wars” label on it? THIS IS AN INSULT TO THE STAR WARS NAME!!! And this is coming from a lifelong “Star Wars” fan. Believe me, this is worse than the Prequels, which I still say are not as awful as everyone says they are. Just do yourselves a favor and never try and look for this special online. If you do, you will regret it, I promise you that. You will never feel so bored in your life than seeing this monstrous special.

Oh boy, what a relief. Well, Happy Holidays and Season’s Greetings my online readers. Hopefully everyone had a splendid Christmas and I hope that all of you saw some great Christmas Specials that will be timeless and watch every year around the Christmastime. Merry Christmas, and I’ll see all of you tomorrow on the next entry of “Disney Sequel Month” with another good sequel.