Batman week Part 4

Well guys, I have finally come to it. A day that I have been hoping wouldn't come this whole week, but unfortunately it has. I have to look at the absolute "worst" comic book adaptation ever made. It is none other than Schumacher's worst of the worse, "Batman & Robin," released in 1997. I am talking about a film that is so bad, that our government is debating on whether or not this should be a new form of capital punishment: subjecting their prisoners to watching this horrendous piece of manure. At first, I was laughing when I watched it, since it pretty much plays as a comedy, and it promoted a line of action figures, but when I was returning the film to the library, I had no idea what I had watched. Even when I saw it as a kid when we got this monstrosity from the library, I don't remember hating or liking it, but I didn't know it was this bad. Remember, I was a kid, so I didn't know any better. Also, I may want to add that I will be going off on this one since this will be the worst one I have reviewed yet. Trust me; there are a lot worse films than this one that will be coming along the way. So please sit tight because this is going to be a long post.

First off, I want to start out by saying Val Kilmer did not return for this one because he was off shooting "The Saint," and instead was replaced by George Clooney, who you might remember from that hit Television sitcom, "ER." Interesting choice...NOT! His Batman was so horrible, that it was just a pain to see him play it, but as Bruce Wayne, he did well. Chris O'Donnell reprised his role as Robin, but in this one, they made him into a whiney pain that you just want to punch dead in the face. All he does is complaining. "You just can't stand it! Maybe she wanted me instead of you. I mean, this is your idea of friendship, isn't it, Bruce? It's your house, it's your rules, it's your way to the highway! It's Batman and Robin, not Robin and Batman, and I'm sick of it!" "I want a Robin signal in the sky, I'm sick of being in your shadow"....SHUT UP!! He contributes nothing to this film, and the only good thing he does is save Batman from the frozen handcuffs in the Rocket Ship. However, when they go sky-surfing down onto the houses to land safely, Robin yells "COWABUNGA!" That was superfluous. Just like the last film, the Bat-Nipples and Bat-@$$es are shown again. How much do you want to bet that this gave Saturday Night Live the idea to start the "Ambiguously Gay Duo" cartoon? I wouldn't be the least bit surprised.  The major issue with this film is that its camp value is WAY more than the 60s show, if you can believe that. I would also like to point out that if you are not a fan of one-liners, this film is full of them, but they are all horrible. For instance, the first lines are Robin telling Batman, "I want a car. Chicks dig the car" to which Batman responds, "This is why Superman works alone." WHY DID YOU JUST SAY THAT, THAT MAKES NO SENSE! WHY WOULD YOU EVEN BRING UP SUPERMAN WHEN THERE IS NO MENTION OF HIM IN THE PAST THREE!? SO YOU DECIDE TO MENTION HIM HERE!? WHY SCHUMACHER, WHY!?

Now let's talk about how horrible the villains were done here. Once again, just like "Batman Returns," there are three villains. First off is Dr. Victor Fries aka Mr. Freeze, played by none other than Austrian bodybuilder and former California governor, Arnold Schwarzenegger. This has got to be the worst role he has ever done. Granted, a lot of the roles that he has done may have been bad, but at least they are enjoyable to watch just because of how laughably bad they are. Here, it's not even funny to begin with, but a pain to sit through. Now, Batman fans will tell people who are not familiar with Batman so much that Mr. Freeze is a villain who has been stripped of all emotion. He is a scientist who only can survive in the cold after his laboratory boss pulled the plug on his experiment to use a freeze ray on his wife, Nora, (played by Vendela Kirsebom Thomessen) who was in cryo-stasis. As a result, she was frozen and shattered, causing him to go insane. The only feelings he has are love for his wife and hate for all humanity. And what does Schumacher have him doing here? MAKING ICE PUNS THAT WILL MAKE YOUR EARS BLEED! HAVING HIS MINIONS SINGING CHRISTMAS CAROLS! THEY MADE HIM LOOK LIKE THE BEST THING THAT EVER HAPPENED TO HIM WAS THAT HE GOT FROZEN AND HIS WIFE ALMOST DIED! ARE YOU SAYING THAT MR. FREEZE WAS DOING DRUGS WHICH IS CAUSING HIM TO FEEL EVERY EMOTION!? YOU TOOK THIS GREAT SUPERVILLAIN AND MADE HIM INTO A COMIC FOIL, SCHUMACHER! SHAME ON YOU!!!!!

Next up we have Dr. Pamela Isley aka Poison Ivy, played by Uma Thurman, who would later go on to do Kill Bill Vol. 1 and 2, which is a "major" step up compared to this. Now Poison Ivy has her own type of plant life biology, because she uses this poisonous gas to attack Batman. Yes, you can see that in the comics and the Animated Series. At one point, she actually uses one of her plants as a whip, which she never does anywhere else. She uses her plants to attack people, but never as a whip. And her plants don't eat her!! That doesn't work!!!!! And to top it off, you make her yell "Curses?" WHAT IS THAT SCHUMACHER, DID YOU NEVER BOTHER TO LOOK THIS OVER BEFORE SHOOTING IT!? Now her origin is that she was a science experiment by a scientist, but in here, the scientist, Dr. Jason Woodrue, played by John Glover, is over-the-top. She spots him testing on a man, he finds out she saw it, and pushes her into some chemicals, transforming her into Poison Ivy. NOT CORRECT!! Also, if this was supposed to be geared towards kids more, than why did you make her act like a prostitute? Especially with her blowing that poisonous kiss onto people. Oh, I forgot to mention, SHE DOESN'T BLOW THAT GAS ONTO PEOPLE AS A KISS!!! Yes, she has her own plant-life to make men fall in love with her, but she doesn't blow the kisses onto them, the plants spray the gas. She hates men, but she goes after those men that can't resist her, but Batman is able to do that. She is obsessed with Batman, but doesn't love him. Why do you have her talking to herself and getting obsessed with Mr. Freeze? Is he the perfect pawn for you to take over Gotham? Also, is he really that gullible to believe her when she tells him Batman and Robin pulled the plug on his wife? Poison Ivy and Mr. Freeze don't work with one another. Poison Ivy cares more for her plant life. Also, call her a hypocrite when she says, "I'm a lover, not a fighter."

Finally we have the films biggest flaw: Bane played by Jeep Swenson. As I mentioned before, Poison Ivy saw that her boss was experimenting on Bane, by turning him into some sort of luchador and auctioning him off to foreign leaders. Was there a war going on that was caused by this film? I wouldn't be the least bit surprised. Now Bane in the comics is one of the smartest villains ever. For Batman fans that have read the Nightfall series, they know that Bane is the villain who breaks Batman's back over his knee. In this one, he is nothing but a drone. He doesn't even do anything. All he does is walk around with Poison Ivy speaking only in grunts. Want me to be more specific? Picture if they made Hulk stupid. And who defeats him? Batman's sidekicks, not Batman! Uma Thurman may have been the worst performance, but this is the most butchered character I have ever seen.

There is one scene that I would like to share with everyone that is just flawed from start to finish. First off, Batman is making a public appearance in front of the Mayor, WHICH BATMAN NEVER DOES AT ALL!!! Yes, he did that a lot in the 60s series, but that was for the camp value. At least they didn't make him go out during daytime or else that would have "really" killed him off. So as the scene goes on, Poison Ivy comes along to spread those poisonous kisses on all the men. She makes sure she gets Batman and Robin, and they start betting over her. They start from two million and go all the way up to seven million. This is the part that has scarred all the Batman fans ever since they saw it in this putrid adaptation...The Batman Credit Card. WHY SCHUMACHER, WHY!? HOW COULD YOU!? YOU HAD THE AUDACITY TO GIVE ONE OF THE GREATEST SUPERHEROES EVER A CREDIT CARD!? Look at the Nostalgia Critic's reaction to it when watching his review of Batman & Robin. Notice that he and I share the same feelings. Then, in comes Mr. Freeze, who starts his whole ice jokes.

Now let's talk about the latest addition to the Batman family: Batgirl. Alicia Silverstone plays Barbara Wilson, Alfred's niece...wait, what? Barbara is made into Alfred's niece in this one? Schumacher did you do your homework before making this? Her name is Barbara Gordon, Commissioner Gordon’s daughter, not Alfred's niece! As far as any Batman fan would know, WE DON'T KNOW ANYONE IN ALFRED'S FAMILY!!!! And if you haven't read the comics, which I'm sure you haven't, you would have known that Barbara is a redhead, not a blonde! In the comics, Barbara Gordon is a rebel who is very much a troublemaker, and likes to get into fights and stop criminals. She goes out to fight crime, is a high-spirited likeable character, and is very adventurous, but an innocent character, not snobby. In here, she doesn't want to get into any adventure and isn't likeable at all. At first she is looking around commenting on Wayne Manor, then goes to call them rich snobs, before discovering the Bat Cave and acting like a little kid in a candy store. Oh, and might I add that she is apparently from England who went to a top Computer school, and comes to Wayne Manor for vacation, AND SHE DOESN'T HAVE A STINKING ACCENT!? Were you afraid to offend the British if you just tried? Everyone can do a British accent, it's not that hard! Also, why would she go out at night doing motorcycle races off the edge of a bridge? That makes no sense at all! Apparently Alfred prepared a suit for her when she discovered the Bat Cave, which looks nothing like the suit in the comics or any other adaptation because her mask is similar to Robin's mask. Also, is it that hard for Batman and Robin to recognize her with just that small mask on? May I ask that she made her own suit instead of having to go to the Bat Cave to get it prepared!? At the end, when Bruce tells Barbara that she is going back to school, she instead insists on staying at Wayne Manor to fight crime. Ok, when Batgirl first started off, she was rarely seen. Yes, she became a permanent partner, but she never lived with them. Also, when it comes to fighting crime or going back to school, Schumacher was telling kids to jepordize their education by dropping out to go fight crime.

I would like to finish off with talking about Alfred. In this film, Alfred is dying from some sort of a disease that he shared with Nora Fries. Unlike Nora, Alfred was luckily in an earlier stage, which Mr. Freeze was able to find a cure for. Mr. Freeze was researching a cure for the other stages, especially the one his wife was in. Before I go on, how come Mr. Freeze wants to take over the world? I understand he steals the jewel in the beginning of the movie to power up his ice suit and also wants to use those jewels to power up a freeze ray gun, but why take over the world? The other villains in all the other Batman films said they wanted to take over Gotham, which worked well. Especially when it was just fine in "Batman Forever," but the world? Why? Just stick to Gotham City, that's what every other villain did!! And how does it work that Mr. Freeze can freeze the whole world? Ok, getting back to this, Poison Ivy pulls the plug on Nora, which she tricks Mr. Freeze into believing Batman and Robin did it, to which he replies, "First Gotham city, then the world!" After Batgirl plays a recording that Poison Ivy confessed she pulled Nora's plug, he helps them by giving them the antidote for Alfred's stage of the disease. Of course, a man that dresses like a bat goes out and fights crime every night, but if the butler is dying, there's the real drama. Before I wrap this up, which I really want to do, you're probably wondering if Bruce had a girlfriend in this. Yes, as a matter of fact he does, but she doesn't play a big role in this, unlike the past ones. In here, we have Elle Macpherson playing Julie Madison, who is just looked over for a good majority of the film.

Whew, it's a good thing I'm done with this piece of garbage now. As you have noticed, this is not the Batman film fans wanted and were ashamed to see him sink to this level. Believe it or not, Schumacher actually came out and apologized for this film. He said, and I quote, "If there is anybody who's watching this, that...let's say loved "Batman Forever," and went into "Batman & Robin" with great anticipation, if I have disappointed them in anyway, then I really want to apologize because it wasn't my intention. My intention was to just entertain them." Thanks to this film, Batman was never seen on the big screen for almost a decade. On the side they were planning Batman Triumphant; I believe one that was based on "Batman Year One" and a Batman vs. Superman film. These ideas were scrapped mainly due to the negative criticism given to "Batman & Robin." However, one director would come around and clean the slate to revamp the series, which is what it needs. Who will that director be? Tune in next episode! Same Bat-Time! Same Bat-Channel!