The Longest Yard

There have been a lot of testosterone fests in the movies, but few get to the nitty gritty of wanton comedic violence, pride, dignity, and male bonding as does the 1974 Burt Reynolds film, “The Longest Yard.” Complete with a car chase, this prison/sports comedy still hast he power to entertain and get those man veins pumping. Reynolds plays Paul “Wrecking” Crewe, a former professional quarterback down on his luck after a point-shaving scandal gets him kicked out of football.

Little more than a gigolo, he steals his woman’s (Anitra Ford) car, knocks her down, makes fun of the police, and ends up in the Citrus State Prison. The warden, Rudolph Hazen, played by Eddie Albert, is a football fan who wants his semi-pro team, the Guardsman, tow in the national title, with Crewe’s help. The coach, Captain Knauer, played by Ed Lauter, has other ideas however, and wants Crewe out of the way altogether.

When Crewe suggests to the warden that his team could sharpen up by playing an exhibition game, Hazen assigns him to assemble a team out of the prison inmates. Hazen, on a power trip, believes that he can demonstrate his power over the inmates by handing them a defeat on the football field. What he doesn’t count on, however, is the fact that the inmates look forward to nothing more than opening a can on the guards without fear of repercussions.

The centerpiece is the game itself, which is even more fun than the preparations. Reynolds excels as the slightly sycophantic smarty who has the task of turning a bunch of killers into a football team.

Michael Conrad is good as his sidekick, Nate Scarboro, another former pro. Eddie Albert is highly unlikeable as the mean-spirited warden. The rest of the cast is packed with veteran character actors and ex-football stars (such as Ray Nitschke), which makes nearly every character entertaining in one way or another.

Not to be missed in a very early part is Bernadette Peters, as the over-promiscuous Miss Toot, the Warden’s secretary with impossibly big hair.

I didn’t know about this film until a long time after seeing the remake. I think I saw this either from the library or online. For a film that was made in the 70s, it was good. If you’re a football fan, then I think you should see this. Check it out and enjoy, especially if you’re a fan of Burt Reynolds.

Now, on to the 2005 remake by Happy Madison Productions. Adam Sandler plays former MVP quarterback Paul Crewe, who lands himself in a Texas prison following a mishap with his girlfriend Lena’s (Courtney Cox) Bentley. Already on probation for shaving points in the NFL, he’s apparently tired of playing boy toy, so when Lena demands he join her for a party in progress, he locks her in the closet and steals her car, imploring a police chase and a multi-car crash.

A long hot but ride to Nowheresville sets up Paul’s new status as the target for hairy security guards/NFL fans who hate him for cheating. Turns out the political-career-minded warden, played by the late James Cromwell, sees his crime in another light, namely, that he’s the perfect man to get his steroid-enhanced guards’ inter-prison league team prepped to take the title. Paul resists, then relinquishes when threatened with hard and more time.

The plan: set up a prisoners’ team who will lose mightily to the guards, thereby securing the latter’s confidence – immediately become untenable, when Paul identifies with the inmates against the guards who include former NFL player Brian Bosworth (Stone Cold Steve Austin) and a QB (the always excellent William Fichtner).

He’s inspired to this in part by the guards’ harassment of him, and manages it by slamming one of those guards with a cafeteria try and does a week in the “hot box,” winning some cons’ admiration. These admirers include vintage coach Nate (Burt Reynolds) and manager Caretaker (Chris Rock) who walks around with a clipboard and jots down Paul’s decision.

Because the guards generally represent as Aryan blockheads, Caretaker’s blackness here helps to grant Paul access to black players (including Michael Irvin). Each member defined by a reductive trait:

·       Brucie (Nicholas Turturro) is demented

·       The Beast (K-1 Kickboxer Bob Sapp) is ferocious

·       Torres (Lobo Sebastain) glowers and smokes cigarettes

·       Cheeseburger Eddy (Terry Crews) eats what you think, and

·       Turley (Dalip Singh aka “The Great Khali”) is a hard-hitting giant whose every utterance is unnecessarily subtitled

The film spends too much time on the team’s practice antics (as well as their transvestite cheerleaders, fearing Tracy Morgan as Ms. Tucker) and growth-by-montages, by rousing speeches, by somber nods and wacky body slams. This despite some detours into old-school ASC territory, including a frightful bit where he must play adult films with the warden’s big-haired secretary, played by Cloris Leachman, and the warden’s political advisor, who looks and speaks look like Colonel Sanders.

In the context of Paul’s moral evolution, the Adam Sandler character’s signature laidbackness is something of a twist – he’s resolutely unriled, whether abused by guards, the warden, or his own teammates, which makes him a peculiar action-comedy hero.

I saw trailers for this film when it was coming out probably both in theaters and on TV. I didn’t get to see it until it was available for free on VOD. I thought it was very funny and I think that if you’re an Adam Sandler fan, you should see this. Check it out and have an enjoyable time laughing at this film. Especially with rapper Nelly, and other wrestlers Kevin Nash and Bill Goldberg in here.

Next week I will look at another Adam Sandler comedy that does have some good heart to it in “Happy Madison Month.”